What is the naughtiest thing you ever did?
As questions go, it’s both a softball and a curveball – and one the British prime minister was not expecting from Julie Etchingham on ITV’s Tonight programme. Theresa May was visibly taken aback.
“Oh goodness me. Um. Well, I suppose – gosh. Do you know, I’m not quite sure.”
“There must have been a moment,” pressed Etchingham.
The PM stalled, accurately observing that “nobody is – nobody is ever perfectly behaved, are they”.
Her response, when it came, began promisingly – then plummeted off a cliff.
“I have to confess, when me and my friend, sort of, used to run through the fields of wheat – the farmers weren’t too pleased about that.”
Even allowing for the fact she’d been put on the spot, May’s confession disappointed for its undeniable lameness. She was a “bookish” child, she said: “You can’t get away from the fact that I was a vicar’s daughter.”
One has to imagine even the most bookish of children is capable of more noteworthy wrongdoings than causing fleeting irritation to local agriculturalists. Matilda glued her hat to her dad’s head, and she’d read Hardy.
But even if the transient displacement of grain was the pinnacle of May’s youthful misbehaviour, her response failed the test implied of the question.
When you’re the sitting prime minister seeking reelection, an interview isn’t as straightforward as answering questions truthfully and appropriately. May’s prevarication – not to mention her expression – reflected the immense demand on her: to regale a childhood misdemeanour that was, if not humanising, at least relatable; and, above all else, definitely not illegal.
May’s answer may well have been truthful, but that it failed on all but the final count was clear from the gleeful response it was met with on social media. Even Ed Milliband got his gag in, casting aspersions at the prime minister’s self-assessment with the hashtag “#wheatandwobbly”: “Mark my words, by tomorrow it will be barley.”
— Tim (@CookPassTim) June 6, 2017
theresa may after running through a wheat field pic.twitter.com/IlNOChOWg3
— alex (@tangerinetearss) June 6, 2017
When you remember them maddddd times in the fields of wheat pic.twitter.com/dLXGNwuvJ4
— Scotty T MBE (@ScottGShore) June 6, 2017
me: *comes home late*
— houssein (@CheekyHoussein) June 6, 2017
mum: WHY U ALWAYS COMING IN LATE?? U KNOW TH-
me: WELL AT LEAST IM NOT RUNNING THROUGH FIELDS OF WHEAT LIKE MOST KIDS
On my way to trample your wheat. pic.twitter.com/LyLYiRtVKg
— Ben Kelly (@BenKellyMusic) June 6, 2017
Me: Siri I'm feeling naughty
— strong + scrabble (@niallhamilton) June 6, 2017
Siri: Searching for local fields of wheat
Theresa May's crop circle from when she ran in a wheat field pic.twitter.com/T1607cVkPj
— Olly (@oladams) June 6, 2017
What's the naughtiest thing you've done?
— Hannah Rose Woods (@hannahrosewoods) June 6, 2017
PM: Jog through some wheat?
Eight hours later-
PM: Also I'll probably take away your human rights
The right self-effacing story from May could have done wonders for her image. Etchingham’s question was a Gordian’s knot to be undone with an anecdote about kids saying the darnedest things.
“Talk about something you broke as an eight-year-old and covered up,” suggested one man on Twitter. “Old enough to have some moral culpability, but not, like, a serious thing.
“It’s an absolute softball of a question – just pivot to humour. Tell the wheat story, but make it about how angry the farmer was. Peter Rabbit stuff.”
When I put the question to Guardian staff to answer as though they were the prime minister being interviewed on ITV, I received a range of stories of middling misdemeanours – getting caught looking up sex in the World Book, skipping sport at school, smoking cigarettes, low-level shoplifting, taking money from Mum’s purse. (Please, don’t think less of us.)
That’s not to say May had an easy task. One colleague, articulated the fundamental difficulty of the question: “It’s a tough one, as much about self-censorship as opening up.” In his case, it seemed the former impulse outweighed the latter, and he did not submit any instances of his own naughtiness for publication.
What is the naughtiest thing you did as a child, that you’d own up to as a politician? Let us know in the comments ...
