Tracy-Ann Oberman is an actress best known for her roles in EastEnders and Doctor Who. As a writer, her work includes Radio 4 plays Bette and Joan and Baby Jane, about the rivalry between Hollywood diva Davis and Crawford, Rock and Doris and Elizabeth, about the “love triangle” between movie stars Hudson, Day and Taylor, and Mrs Robinson, I Presume, about the making of The Graduate.
I’ve been having that terrible food dream again. I’ve mysteriously made it through to the quarter final of Celebrity Masterchef and, just as John Torode is about to take a huge Masterchef-y bite into my chicken kiev, I realise I’ve left the toothpick inside, possibly quite fatally sticking up and it could kill him! As I wake up in a cold sweat, I realise – like the scene in 12 Monkeys – that it wasn’t a dream at all.
I did nearly kill John Torode with a toothpick on Celebrity Masterchef (series four). Luckily, he was saved from the potentially fatal bite by having to pull a strand of my garlic-coated hair from between his teeth as he swiftly eliminated me. This. Happened.
Since that fateful day, I have fully peeled back the plastic backing from the oven and learnt to make five things brilliantly well. Just five. So when I was elected to be the one to “host the dinner party to properly acquaint with our old friend’s first ‘serious’ post-divorce girlfriend”, I embraced it. I decided to go off-piste and try lamb tagine. With apricots and raisins. It looked delicious in the picture and, having studied the recipe, I knew I could do it! I’d filmed in Casablanca and lived on tagine for months; in a moment of madness I carted back a giant terracotta pot. It sat angrily in the kitchen and stored the spare keys. This was its moment.
All was looking good until two days before blast off, I had a phone call:
Him: Laura is so looking forward to meeting you. She doesn’t want to make any fuss but she’s asked me to tell you she doesn’t eat meat.
Me: Oh, no problem (tearing through Manna cookbook). Is she a veggie?
Him: Yeah sort of. No fuss babe. But she doesn’t do fish.
Me: Right.
Him: Or dairy.
Me: OK ... No fish, dairy or meat?
Him: Or grains. At the moment. Oh or fruit. She’s fructose malabsorptive.
Me: Roast tofu?
Him: Bad for cholesterol.
Me: Tiramisu?
Him: Are you insane!? Sugar! Look, she has lots of allergies. Poor her. She can’t even eat root veg at the moment.
Me: So she’s gluten-free, fruit-free, wheat-free, dairy-free, protein-free, grain-free and no root vegetables.
Him: Yup! Bit of a bore but her naturopath is insisting.
I still went ahead with the dinner party. I made my killer fish pie. Laura had very sweetly brought something from home. Although I did see her salivating over the mashed potato.
From browsing the web for recipes to Instagramming your culinary creation, the Samsung Galaxy Tab A is an essential kitchen assistant. With its 9.7” screen, 5 megapixel camera and Android Lollipop, the only thing it won’t do is the dishes. Visit the Samsung website to find out more.
