BIG CUP, BIG DREAMS
It’s matchday six (part one) in Big Cup and so many questions still have to be answered. Take Manchester City’s hugely anticipated Battle of Britain clash with the Queen’s Celtic at the Etihad Stadium, where punters will arrive wondering whether Sergio Agüero is going to succumb to The Rage again and attempt a spot of amputation on Scott Brown’s legs, eager to discover whether W1lly Caballero will be dressed in full clown regalia and curious to find out whether Pep Guardiola chooses to give promising young buck The Fiver a run-out at some point.
Unfortunately for anyone gullible enough to purchase a ticket, it promises to be that sort of occasion in Manchester. City are already through and can’t finish higher than second in Group C, and the Queen’s Celtic are already out, so Brendan Rodgers has spent the afternoon shopping at the Arndale Centre. Rodgers has planned this perfectly. He’ll be keen to show Guardiola his new skinny jeans and cashmere jumper. If he’s lucky, he might even get to do that weird thing where he greets the opposing manager by clasping his face with both hands before going all boggle-eyed and gurning furiously, so keep an eye on the two dugouts and also watch out for Crazy Sergio, who’s been a bit weird ever since Guardiola put him on a diet of raw steak and pig’s blood, carrying a chainsaw on to the pitch.
Otherwise, though, getting up for this one isn’t easy and there isn’t a great deal of intrigue elsewhere. Why, it’s almost as though Uefa’s flagship competition doesn’t quite live up to the hype, that it’s almost as predictable as Arsenal finishing second in their group. They looked set to seal top spot in Group A a fortnight ago, only for PSG’s predictable late equaliser to take it out of their hands. Don’t go away! Arsenal, who face Basel/Basle/Baaarl/Barzuhl, can still do it! But they’re reliant on PSG coming unstuck against Ludogorets at home. By the way, there’s a documentary about the Queen on ITV at 8pm.
But wait! All is not lost. Ignore the non-event that is Group D, where PSV Eindhoven and FC Rostov were shockingly left behind by Atlético Madrid and Bayern Munich, and head to Group B, where one point separates the top three sides. Benfica and Napoli, who meet in Lisbon, are both a point in front of Besiktas, who can nab a spot in the last 16 with victory away to already eliminated Dynamo Kyiv. That settles it. Uefa suits can give themselves a well deserved pat on the back. Who could possibly be ungrateful enough to complain about one group in four still offering genuine intrigue before the final round of matches? That’s a 25% success rate! Hats off, Uefa! You’ve done it again!
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I played for six years for Liverpool, it was the best time of my life. Last week we [Feyenoord] played against Manchester United. One thing happened during the game. Sixty thousand supporters shouted against me: ‘You scouse b@stard!’ Normally when your rivals shout at you it’s not the best thing that can happen to you, but actually it made me proud to be named a scouser – an adopted scouser – because for me scousers are good people; hard-working people, committed people and people who never give up” – Dirk Kuyt, man of the people.
FIVER LETTERS
“I’ve been writing a geeky Christmas gift guide and came across this gem: ‘Assemble some of the mightiest Marvel characters on your Christmas tree with this official Marvel Avengers bauble pack … the perfect addition to any comic fan’s festive setup! 100% Tin.’ I made me wonder what percentage Tin The Fiver is? And if that percentage rises the closer it gets to a tea-timely deadline, as I’ve always had a sneaky suspicion much of its inspiration is beverage related” – Matt Chapman [do you really need to wonder, Matt? – Fiver Ed].
“Catching up with my old Fivers as some kind of punishment – I’m currently up to 28 June and the aftermath of Iceland v England at the Euros. Now the link to ‘If pizza-shilling, penalty-missing Gareth Southgate is the answer, what exactly is the question, ponders Daniel Taylor’ failed to answer the central question – can someone explain ‘why Southgate’ please? Also really looking forward to the new season – José Mourinho is surely a shoo-in for the title – if you look past Leicester that is” – Antony Melvin.
“With regards to referees not being able to unsee what they have seen (yesterday’s Fiver), it is well known in medical circles that electro shock therapy can cause memory loss. Maybe in the interest of all-important neutrality and fairness, we should electroshock every referee before every game to make sure their judgment of each player isn’t tainted by past actions. I can think of a few fans who would be more than happy to administer it (and let’s just hope they remember the rules)” – Dan Makeham.
“I think you’ll find that Jürgen Klinsmann did not introduce the dark art of diving to the Premier League (yesterday’s Fiver). Indeed, upon arrival he was told in no uncertain terms that it was not acceptable on these shores, hence sending himself up by diving after his debut goal v Sheffield Wednesday. He was a serial diver before his stint with Spurs, but not during it. You dangled the bait, and I have gleefully gobbled it up” – Richard Offord.
“Paul Cox (yesterday’s Fiver letters) writes that he is a ‘semi-retired American’. I didn’t realise that one could retire from one’s citizenship; an interesting concept. Perhaps he is only semi-retired because he is waiting to see how Mr Trump will perform. I write this from north of Paul’s natural border, where we are awaiting a hoard of fully-retired Americans” – Jim Helbig.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Dan Makeham.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The lawyer for Andy Woodward and Steve Walters has said there are prominent figures named by the abuse victims that “still work in senior echelons of football”. Ed Smethurst said: “There are certain names who do come up repeatedly. There are absolutely people in the game today who victims have spoken to me about.”
Chapecoense have officially been crowned winners of the Copa Sudamericana.
England’s assistant manager Sammy Lee is now known as Sammy Lee. “I have great respect for Sammy,” honked Gareth Southgate. “I felt it was important for me to bring in my own support team and Sammy fully respected that.”
Arsène Wenger is hoping Alexis Sánchez cares more about “the way the club has values, the way the club has ambition, the way the club respects the players” than cold, hard cash. “Maybe I am a bit naive,” he reassured.
José Fonte quite likes Southampton, but it seems he’d prefer to live somewhere else.
And gong!
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Jürgen Klopp’s mulled wine, Adam Lallana’s jeans and an interpretation of Eddie Howe’s face all feature in David Squires’ weekly cartoon.
STILL WANT MORE?
Hearts have a new, exciting, young manager in Ian Cathro, so Ewan Murray has sharpened his pen, pointed it towards Stephen Craigan, Jamie Fullarton, Kris Boyd, Malky Mackay and the Scottish FA, and scribbled 1,211 excellent words which are yours for zero Scottish pounds.
As the Moussa Dembélé hype machine continues to whirl, David Hytner discusses the comparisons to Didier Drogba, Raúl, and Henrik Larsson.
David Conn and Nazia Parveen have written this excellent piece on Montagu and North Fenham, the family-run boys club at the heart of north-east football abuse scandal.
West Brom fans rejoice! A feature, on Tony Pulis, by Martin Laurence.
The countdown to January has begun, and the Rumour Mill couldn’t be more excited.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
