Is anyone asking dads if they’re ok?
Or are they still being dragged down the pub to 'wet the baby’s head', sent back to work after two weeks and then forgotten?
With a focus largely on feminism, it’s easy to forget that men are only a couple of generations away from not having any parental responsibilities for their offspring (aside from financial).
With little to no advice passed down the generations for men, about the rollercoaster that is fatherhood and family life, men can get swept away with their thoughts into a pit of depression, just as easily as women.
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It only takes two minutes on Google to note that all post natal services are female-centred and there are very few recourses for dads who aren’t coping.
Statistics suggest post natal depression in men largely goes undiagnosed, and we know the biggest killer of men under 40 is suicide. HELLO!!
From my research on this subject, I've found that mental health problems in men manifest themselves differently than they do in women. Less likely to be found curled up on the floor crying, or indicate any obvious breakdown.
Rather they can become detached, irritable, overly focused on work or abandon responsibilities in favour of alcohol/drugs/gambling/shopping/internet porn, etc. They may become abusive or violent to their partner and/or children. Begin an online affair or become a internet troll. The list of activities offering unfulfilling dopamine hits is endless.
They may become so overwhelmed that they leave their relationship and in my view, our society offers little compassion to men who aren’t coping. Instead we demonise them for not being 'man enough', or for being absent or uninvolved.
Is he a gobsh*te? Or is he actually mentally ill?
Men don’t really access therapy or medication the same way women do, because of shame and internalised narratives about masculinity, coping and repressing difficult emotions. What a pickle.
Mums can scroll through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, turn on the TV, or open a magazine to find someone who looks like them, telling stories about their struggles and experiences. Yet men who are desperately in need of help, hardly see themselves represented at all.
Studies have found that overall, men are more motivated to use the internet antisocially (troll) and women were more likely to use it pro-socially (to feel more connected to people and have more of a sense of belonging). In addition (although this is not a specifically gendered trait) characteristics such as competitiveness, assertiveness, need for achievement and dominance, tend to be encouraged in the socialisation of men, yet punished in women.
Women can benefit so much from sharing their experiences online. Readers will often reach out and say they’ve experienced the same or similar, which gives the writer reassurance. While reading stories comforts others in similar situations. There’s also lots of opportunity to get paid! Parenting is big business.
Meanwhile, young (and not so young) men are screaming into the internet as an outlet for all the frustration and pain they can't express properly, because they’re taught men don't show weakness. It's so prevalent and extremely worrying.
We need men and especially fathers to be happy and healthy. We need to see men sharing their mental health stories and parenting struggles. We need to see men accessing therapy instead of projecting onto their partners.
Dads, if you want to be a hero in the eyes of your partner and children, I encourage you to embrace your vulnerability and seek support. Now go post a fire emoji under your best mate's selfie and start a blog.
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