It's Sunday morning. Stretching out in bed, your toes touch your partner's leg. In that warm languid moment between dreaming and waking, you reach over for a kiss. But you never make it. A little voice at the end of the bed shrieks: "Get up, mummy! Get up!"
However much you've longed for children by the man or woman of your dreams, their arrival disrupts romance and can destroy intimacy. In 1998, 145,000 couples divorced, according to the Family Policies Study Centre in London. These divorces involved more than 150,000 children under 16. One in four of these children were under four years old.
While children might not wreck marriages, they make it harder for relationships to stay on track. In the heady days of early courtship not only do you find each other interesting and adorable most of the time, but when you do fall out you have a whole weekend to row about it. Try having any two-sentence discussion in the presence of a toddler.
It has been said that a baby is a hand grenade thrown into the heart of a marriage. Steve Biddulph, father of two (15 and 8), psychologist, counsellor of children and parents, and childcare guru (he wrote the bestsellers Raising Boys and The Secret of Happy Children), agrees that the arrival of a child is potentially explosive. But in his latest book, How Love Works (subtitle: How to stay in love as a couple and be true to yourself . . . even with kids), he claims that couples can stop the bomb from going off.
The first step is patience. Biddulph believes that most of us are in love with a fantasy when we get together. "Learning to love another human being takes 10 years," he says. "People are often just beginning that process when they have kids." All marriages (defined as any committed relationship) have make or break crises, he says. "Our work as counsellors has made us believe that two thirds of divorces are preventable. Life is tough. You don't get a relationship that's life-enriching just fall into your lap; it's a long-term project."
And central to this project are the arguments that many couples - particularly those with children - try so hard to avoid. You have to fight your way to closeness, Biddulph insists. Many couples go through a period of disengagement after having children. Broken nights, the social isolation of being at home with a child or the dual demands of working and childcare can make couples lose touch with each other. "It happens by accident," says Biddulph. "Often the couple used to argue but they become afraid to fight in front of the kids. You can achieve things by rowing, people are often willing to change their behaviour when they understand a person's view."
Often the changes may be practical: a man may want to have more responsibility for the child without being supervised; a woman may feel that her partner works too hard. The golden rule of rowing is to focus on the specific, and don't be abusive. "Research shows that couples who fight quite a bit are happier five years later, as long as they are not fighting abusively," says Biddulph. "If you call each other names, that's death to a relationship. You have to fight clean in front of kids, but you can be upfront about your feelings. When I was a kid my parents would go into the bedroom and I'd hear some intense whispering but never know what was going on, and that was scary. Then, maybe, my dad would storm out to the car. When Shaaron [his co-author, partner of 25 years and wife for the past 16 of those] and I started rowing we had to have ground rules. Her family had been violent, so she needed us to agree that no one would hurt anyone and my need was to agree that neither of us would walk out. We had our first row 20 years ago and it was so intense that at one stage I lifted a door off its hinges. I can't remember what it was about. I'd say it's OK to throw crockery - just not at each other."
Some of the difficulty in maintaining a relationship when couples have children is the lack of time they have to discuss how they feel about things. Partners may have different ideas about what mothers and fathers roles should be - often inherited from their own childhoods. "You accumulate misunderstandings," says Biddulph. "When we first managed to have a weekend away together without the children, we argued all the time. We had catch-up fighting to do. When you have little kids you can go for two years passing in the corridor, living on the memory of when you used to be in love. You need to ask each other, 'how's your life going?' "
Sex can become a minefield, too. "Tiredness, especially for women, is often a barrier," says Biddulph. "If a man takes his share of the childcare and housework, the couple are more likely to have sex. It's hard to feel loving towards someone who you are angry with for not pulling their weight. You have to be creative, too, just to have time together. I know couples who go home in the middle of the day to be together."
While it might seem idyllic to do everything together as a family, Biddulph cautions against it. "We find that couples with strong relationships, who have been together for a long time, often take a holiday separately once a year. Being separate for a while creates an electrical charge between you."
David and Maureen are an example of such a couple. Both 40, they have been married for 15 years and have two children, aged nine and six. They spend a week or so apart each year; David playing golf, Maureen on work-related trips. "You have to be terribly good friends for your relationship to work once you have kids," says Maureen. 'We go out together at least once a week for a meal and to watch a film. It's an expensive way of maintaining a relationship - about £100 a night once we've paid the babysitter - but eating out is important because it makes you talk. The children need to know that we lead our own lives and we are together because we want to be."
If you can't remember why you are together, Biddulph advises seeing a marriage counsellor and working at your relationship. "It's not that I don't believe in romantic love but in most societies in history, people are thrown together and learn to love each other," he says. "In our society, love starts as a blessing and continues as an accomplishment."
How Love Works is published by Thorsons at £7.99.
Trouble through the ages: damage-limitation exercises
New baby
Some problems: brings responsibility, sleepless nights. Mother often feels uncomfortable with body changes. Father often feels left out.
Action plan
Beg, scream for or buy in help. This will allow you to sleep when the baby sleeps and more besides.
Go out alone with your partner as soon as you can and don't talk about the baby.
Get your baby to take expressed breast milk through a bottle so the father does some feeding.
Be considerate about each other, ask how the other is doing and listen. Remember that you used to love each other and believe that you'll do so again, with more depth and maturity.
The toddler
Some problems: child can develop forceful personality and have tantrums. The novelty wears off.
Action plan
Discuss how you'll deal with tantrums to avoid conflict (eg taking time out).
Go out once a week on a date, taking it in turns to organise where you go, but it must involve talking.
Establish a reasonable bedtime so you have evening time together.
Make sure you see your friends on your own sometimes.
Keep your toddler active.
School age
Some problems: child experiences emotional rollercoaster of making friends at school. Pressure on parents to meet child from school and cover holidays. Rows over bedtime.
Action plan
Share responsibility of meeting child from school/holidays or get help.
Make it clear your bedroom is your room - they should knock.
When you get home, have 10 minutes together and have a nutritious snack - this avoids low blood sugar and loss of patience during the evening.
Hold sleepovers for the children.
Discuss how you will handle your child's fears - try to be consistent in your parenting.
The teenager
Some problems: stroppiness kicks in. Parents can be used as taxi service. Child experiences exam pressure.
Action plan
Discuss how you are going to deal with arguments/rudeness/homework.
Both get involved in discussing issues with your teenager - you can disagree but don't put each other down.
Encourage your teenager within limits to use public transport/taxis.
Go out at least once a week - not only to talk, but also to go to the cinema and theatre and play sport. Relax.
For younger teenagers, maintain a bedtime.
