PATIENCE OUT THE WINDOW
The internet was once assumed to be infinite, an ever-expanding philosophical arena with no boundaries or limits, a technological playground transcending time, a concept stretching out forever into space. But then the transfer window opened, and now the internet is full. There’s no room left! It’s stuffed to the brim, you see, with angry football fans bemoaning the sheer ineptitude of those in charge at their club of choice. The reason? All of their summer business has yet to be concluded. The window’s only been open for 161 hours! It’s completely disproportionate and irrational rage, the sort usually displayed by callers to phone-in shows upon being asked to name just one of the EU laws they say they don’t like, or Mike Ashley when a business associate takes longer than three-and-a-half minutes to get back from the bar with the next round of pints. But this is where we are.
Everyone really needs to calm down, given the window will remain open for another seven weeks and six days. But perspective is at a premium right now. Thankfully for the nation’s collective blood pressure, one or two clubs are beginning to rouse themselves. Romelu Lukaku has taken another couple of steps down that well-trodden path from Everton to Manchester United via Los Angeles; he’ll have his medical in the City of Angels at the weekend before a £75m deal. Wayne Rooney, no longer loved at Old Trafford, may well trudge the other way, the Norman Whiteside de nos jours only in less dependable shape. No swinging by a Hollywood clinic en route for Wayne, though; perhaps he’ll stop off in Warrington to pick up the paper, a pint of milk and some fags, just to break up the journey if nothing else.
Elsewhere, Leicester City have plonked £25m on the table for Manchester City’s Kelechi Iheanacho, and the 20-year-old striker is unlikely to be the only high-profile departure from the Etihad this summer. Joe Hart will soon decide where he’ll spend the rest of his career bravely putting his hands up for egregious errors in post-match interviews; fans of Newcastle, Watford and West Ham will already be dreaming of those heartfelt soliloquies. And … well, that’s all for now. But here’s hoping more clubs spring into action soon, and start desperately flinging around preposterous quantities of cash, their actions leading to a marked reduction in all this impotent fury. Which in turn might free up a small corner of the internet for more intellectual and/or less morally bankrupt content. Videos of kittens drinking out of toilet bowls, perhaps, or some good old-fashioned bongo.
QUOTES OF THE DAY
11.40am: “We’ve watched with an increasing sense of bewilderment as Notts County have released a series of press statements about their interest in our player. It’s one thing to engage in such megaphone diplomacy, and quite another to put false stories in the press. We have received a series of bids for Liam [Noble], the first we considered to be a joke. Their latest ‘final’ bid we received was not for £100k as their owner claimed in the press yesterday. Equally, the claim made yesterday about us suggesting they could double that amount and still not get him is completely false. [We] may be the newest and smallest member of the Football League family, but we know how to conduct ourselves and how to undertake a transfer negotiation the right way” – Forest Green Rovers chairman Dale Vince there.
12.43pm: “I can confirm that a number of bids have been made by the club, and that the final bid was for a transfer fee of £100,000 payable immediately. Why Dale Vince would deny this when it is fact baffles me. Dale Vince also claims they have been very clear from the outset that they did not want to sell Liam. While this may be the case, they have also been very clear from the outset that an offer of £100,000 guaranteed would be acceptable. It was only when this bid was lodged that they changed their minds. I am more than comfortable that we have negotiated with Forest Green in a professional and diligent manner but we now move on and look forward to welcoming them to Meadow Lane in October” – County’s Alan Hardy responds. This one’s got legs.
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FIVER LETTERS
“When I noticed that Ballymena United had been knocked out of Big Vase, I thought, that’s Odd” – Nick Kershaw.
“Can I just take this opportunity to remind everyone who is outraged about Premier League transfer fees, that they are funded directly by you. Sky and BT continue to pay excessive sums of money just to have exclusive rights to show a few football games on TV. Oligarchs and tycoons who own football clubs continue to charge a fortune for a matchday ticket. But the biggest problem is that we, the consumers, continue to pay it. Here’s an idea: stop paying Sky and BT all your hard-earned money, and within a few years, they’ll have to reduce the prices. Or alternatively, keep remortgaging your house to fund your football addiction, while a load of Premier League suits sit in their villas in the Cayman Islands drinking champagne, working out how much more they can earn, just because you want to watch your favourite football team” – Dan Makeham.
“Come on Fiver. I know you often struggle to admit that any football exists outside of the Premier League, Big Cup and Big Vase, but seriously … not even a Bit and/or Bob about Wycombe Wanderers’ glorious new goalkeeping jersey? You didn’t even need to do any research – the club has been trending on Social Media Disgrace Twitter all day, and I was looking forward to seeing what semi-witty comment you were going to make. Maybe you’d like to rectify the omission by awarding said monstrosity for a future letter of the day?” – Ben Graham.
“If Noble Francis regularly writes letters ‘with a change of names’ (yesterday’s Fiver letters), then he must be an even more prolific correspondent than previously thought, which was already prolific enough” – Jack Dunning [or is it? – Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Nick Kershaw.
BITS AND BOBS
Barcelona have got a funk on because PSG are unwilling to sell Marco Verratti. “Our coaching staff want him to come and we know that he wants to come to Barcelona,” blabbed Josep Maria Bartomeu. “The fact that there is no exit clause is a problem because you cannot go there to sign a player. PSG do not want to negotiate.”
Huddersfield are one Denmark international better off after signing Mathias Jorgensen from FC Copenhagen. “He is a super professional character,” cheered David Wagner.
Per Mertesacker will take over as Arsenal’s academy manager in a year’s time.
Arnor Gudjohnsen, half-brother of Eidur, has pitched up at Swansea City.
And China captain Zheng Zhi has been given a four-match ban by CFA suits for “not fulfilling his duty to lead players to complete the handshaking ceremony” after Guangzhou Evergrande’s 4-3 defeat by Tianjin Quanjian.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Our Golden Goal series returns with the 2007 U-20 World Cup final and spins off into the divergent fates of Sergio Agüero and Dawid Janczyk.
Chelsea have made one signing this summer: W1lly Caballero. With Romelu Lukaku set to join Manchester United, Antonio Conte ain’t happy, reports Dominic Fifield.
Jermain Defoe is double happy to be back where it all began at Bournemouth and told Ben Fisher about Big Fletch, his plans to go into management and Eddie Howe kicking people.
It’s Gold Cup preview and prediction time, featuring trendy Costa Rica, USA! USA!! USA!!!’s Colombian-born forward Juan Agudelo and 37-year-old Florent Malouda, now of French Guiana.
Tim Froh has the latest on USA! USA!! USA!!!’s youth football embezzlement scourge.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
