Anyway, that’s it. Louisa Johnson has won X Factor 2015, which means this is probably the last X Factor liveblog I’ll ever write. I might change my mind, or be coerced into returning next year, but right now this really feels like the end of something. I realise this means I’ll miss Louisa’s triumphant return to X Factor next year, which will be her first of three televised appearances before she disappears forever, but I’m sure we’ll all survive.
In which case, thanks again for all the support, everyone. You guys have been great. Now, please do the decent thing and turn your televisions off.
Egg-kay! Have a very Blardigan Christmas, everyone!
Unfortunately Harry Styles didn’t run onstage and tell Louisa about all the pussy she’ll get now, but I’m sure he wanted to.
Rita Bloody Ora. Louis Walsh wouldn’t have done this, you know.
Oh look, Rita’s run up onstage to hog the limelight be there for her actual new friend Louisa.
Here she comes again, then. Louisa’s back onstage to sing the first two thirds of her winners’ single before she breaks down in tears and the other X Factor finalists run up and hug her.
Things that are happening on the television right now:
1) Louisa is crying
2) Reggie N Bollie are being impressively magnanimous
3) Rita Ora is doing her best to make it all about her. Rita Ora has never made a good decision in her entire life.
Oh god, I downloaded the X factor app for nothing. I feel so dirty.
Yup, Louisa.
The winner of X Factor 2015 is...
Flack is legitimately hyperventilating at the moment.
OK, let’s crown Louisa and get on with our lives. It’s time for the results.
Oh, I just realised. I didn’t even get sent any free Nutella this year. This whole bloody thing has been for absolutely nothing.
Usually at this point I’d get ready to time the climactic pause before the winner is announced. But I’m not going to this year, because I’m worried that Blardigan is going to wander off and bang his head on a tree if things go quiet for too long.
But first, adverts, because god knows Moon Hitler needs more stuff.
OK gang. Voting is now closed. My liveblogging future is sealed.
HELLO ADELE HAVE YOU GOT AN ALBUM OUT ARE YOU ON TOUR WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE FARTING ANIMAL? IS IT A HORSE? IT’S A HORSE, ISN’T IT? A FUNNY FARTING HORSE? NOW GET OUT.
The song ends and Adele cackles and suddenly the world can forgive her for being a bit boring when she sings.
This song is much longer than I expected. Just think how long the slowed-down John Lewis ballad version is going to be next year. We’ll all be dead by the second chorus.
Adele’s still singing, by the way. I’m sure that I’ve heard this song the last six times I’ve had to phone a customer services department. If anything, this is just gearing me up to shout at a call centre worker.
Here’s one. It’s called Funny Horse Fart. I haven’t watched it yet, but with a title like that it’s bound to be a winner.
Adele’s singing Hello, which you’ve all heard a billion times by now. I’ll see if I can find another animal fart video, shall I?
Of course, this means that we’re three minutes away from hearing Blardigan ask Adele if she’s got a new album out. I dunno, has she?
We’re back. And now, in keeping with tonight’s prominent theme, Adele’s here to sing something by Motorhead.
Is there any way I can download an app and vote for the funny animal fart video to win X Factor instead?
Just think: if you all vote for Reggie N Bollie, then five years from now Simon Cowell will have to introduce a weepy retrospective package full of emotional Reggie N Bollie tributes from James Corden and Robbie Williams. Or, you know, he would if X Factor was still going to be a thing five years from now. But it won’t be, because Jesus Christ this is dreadful.
‘After the break, someone’s life will change forever’ says Blardigan. He’s right. Mine will change forever. I’ll get my weekends back.
Oh no, don’t recap the winners’ single performances. They both sound like a bag of cats being dropped into an active minefield, but in different ways. Yeurgh.
Oh, look, a recap. Quick, Recap Iguana, sum up my mood as best you can:
Nicely done, Recap Iguana. Nicely done.
Still half an hour of X Factor left, but I’m toying with the idea of giving up now. Reggie N Bollie have been strung up by their nads and it isn’t pretty in the slightest. I’d vote for them again if I could.
Still, everyone loves a farting animal, don’t they? That’s the main thing I’m taking from tonight. I’m never liveblogging X Factor again and animals are funny when they fart.
Oh, this is interesting...
@stuheritage DEFINITELY a stitch up. Asked us in the live audience (!) to use our phone torches for Louisa but NOT r&b. Travesty
— Charlotte Whee-don (@Charlottewheele) December 13, 2015
The liveblog system just crashed. Sorry about that. I think it died of boredom.
This is exactly what you think it sounds like, and it’s boring, and it’s a stitch-up and I’m going to ignore it in favour of this compilation video of farting animals instead. Farting animals!
Yeah yeah, whatever. This is exactly what you’d expect it to sound like.
Anyway, now for Louisa. Is it going to be the same tinpot reggae version, or are they chucking the whole Hallelujah at her? I bet it’s Hallelujah, isn’t it? STITCH-UP.
I mean, that’s a total stitch-up, isn’t it? Maybe this the theme of the night, giving acts hugely unsuitable songs to sing, and Louisa will have to release some sort of Zumba megamix as her winners’ single. Right? That’s a thing that could happen, isn’t it?
They must win. Please vote for Reggie N Bollie, everyone. One person in the audience is clapping. The rest are reacting in the same way that people do when a kid wanders into a party, pulls down their trousers and craps on the carpet.
Nobody cheers.
They’re hitting, at maximum, 20% of the notes. It’s a mess. It’s a nightmare. It’s terrible. REGGIE N BOLLIE MUST WIN X FACTOR.
No, it’s not weird. It’s awful. The backing track is literally the Reggae preset of a Casio keyboard. This is a car crash of a performance, and it’s hard to see it as anything as a stitch-up job to make Louisa win.
Holy twatting christ, they literally are doing Forever Young. And they’re apparently doing it straight. This is weird.
But before that, Reggie N Bollie apparently have to recap their entire lives. Wait, who’s that knocking on the door? Hey, if it isn’t our good buddy RECAP IGUANA! Hey Recap Iguana, how’s tricks?
Oh here we go. Winners’ single time. Reggie N Bollie first. Don’t let me down, Reggie N Bollie. You. Must. Not. Let. Me. Down.
Ah. Someone is describing the bad old novelty acts to Will Ferrell, and he’s exaggerating how good they are. Only not quite as good as I made that sound.
Wait, what’s this? Will Ferrell is doing an X Factor retrospective? OK, X Factor, I’m interested.
JESUS! They’re sending him a camera too! Right, that’s it. I’m quitting this liveblog to die of loneliness miles away from everyone I love. Look at all the swag you get given! Wowee!
WAIT! MOON HITLER UPDATE! They’ve sent him a PS4 as well now. You know, I’m starting to think that being an elderly man dying of loneliness might actually be quite a sweet gig.
Ooh, Moon Hitler!
The song ends and Blardigan comes on for the post-song interview. But One Direction are splitting up, so he can’t ask if they’ve got an album coming out or a tour soon. Instead he begs them to drink beer with him. It is heartbreaking.
They’re doing another song that I don’t know because I’m not a soggy-knickered 14-year-old girl. But it seems to be their Never Forget. Old photos are flashing up behind them, back from the days when they were a) still slightly enthusiastic about singing and b) knew how to wash. It’s quite nostalgic, and it’s reminded me that I think I quite fancied Harry’s mum once. That’s my sole takeaway from this emotional farewell performance - I think I fancied one of their mums once. Well done me.
One Direction are singing another song in a minute, but first Simon Cowell is This Is Your Life-ing them. He’s saying how much he’ll miss them, as is Wayne Rooney, James Corden, Danny DeVito, Jack Whitehall, Little Mix, David Beckham and Robbie Williams. It’s a touching send-off, and it makes me sad about the fact that they’re all going to immediately be taken off and boiled for glue as soon as they stop singing now.
Oh, that song got really big before it ended. I think it was called Infinity, by the way, named ironically for the shelf-life of a reality television boyband.
This is not a very good One Direction song. It sounds like they’re trying to be mature, and they’re not mature. One of them is literally wearing your nan’s wallpaper as a suit. And his hair looks like he ran through a local market’s nylon extension stall blind drunk, too. I’ll miss him.
The boys are all here. The one who’ll end up as an X Factor judge (the blonde one), the one who started off as Gary Barlow and then turned into an uncommunicative second division footballer begrudgingly participating in a post-match interview (Liam?), the one wearing your nan’s wallpaper as a suit (Harry) and the other one (the other one).
We are back, and it’s time for One Direction. They’re here to show Louisa and Reggie N Bollie all the wonderful things that come with X Factor success. Those things in order: terrible haircuts, prison tattoos, the dead-eyed demeanour of a circus chimp. Go X Factor!
Incidentally, voting for the same act five times for free on the X Factor app – as I did earlier - is a weirdly depressing thing to do. The app keeps asking ‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ and you subsequently have to ask yourself all kinds of important life questions. I’m not sure I want to do this, app. I’m not sure I want to do this at all.
I’ll miss Blardigan.
Blardigan is backstage interviewing Louisa’s family now. Well, I say ‘interviewing’. What he’s actually doing is just saying ‘Are you proud?’ and ‘Mayzin’ over and over again, like an unsold talking Blardigan doll that’s been struck by lightning and now wants to take its vicious revenge on the world.
Clearly Simon Cowell is exaggerating as wildly as he can to improve Louisa’s chances of winning. I hope he fails, because even Louisa just said something along the lines of ‘I’m only 17’, which is possibly the most annoying thing I’ve ever heard.
Simon Cowell calls the performance ‘the best thing I have ever heard’. Excuse ME, Simon Cowell, but remember the Conway Sisters? Remember them? For shame.
Oh, this is embarrassing. In a desperate bid to stretch out the applause to Reggie N Bollie lengths, Rita Ora stands up and wobbles around for the audience. It doesn’t really work.
Oh, the song’s over. It was OK. I guess.
Someone pointed out to me this week that this song is just a list of all the brilliant things that men have invented, which makes it a bit annoying. But still, who’s to say that a man didn’t invent the electric light specifically so that a 17-year-old girl could yell about it to Simon Cowell one day?
Louisa’s doing It’s A Man’s Man’s Man’s World again, and she’s given such a preposterous introduction that it’ll be a genuine letdown if the song doesn’t climax with litres of blood squirting out of her ears.
We’re back! And now it’s time for Louisa Johnson, who is the favourite to win because she’s such a blank void that viewers get to project their own desires onto her. For instance, I’m imagining her as someone who never has to liveblog X Factor again, but that’s just me.
In the VT, Louisa watches an old performance and... HANG ON, is Louisa Johnson liveblogging her own performance? Guys, I think we know who’s going to take over from me now. That’s good news, isn’t it?
Adverts now. Apparently Michael Buble has a Christmas album out. Michael Buble hasn’t been on X Factor this year, has he? Good.
Blardigan’s backstage with Reggie N Bollie’s family. Sadly, he refrains from my new favourite of his interviewing tricks, the Suddenly Profound Question That He Expects To Be Answered Within The Space of a Soundbite. So I’ll do it instead:
Reggie’s youngest son: to what extent do you think that a man’s worth should be judged by his ability to cope with loss? You have four seconds.
Based on crowd reaction alone, I don’t see how Louisa can top that. I mean, how hard CAN you clap for a knackered power ballad performed by a void?
Ooh, Simon Cowell just said that Reggie N Bollie could win X Factor. He’s hedging his bets. Is this... is this actual tension? This is new.
The crowd is going wild. Simon Cowell – who actually, now I come to think of it, looks a bit like Tom Cruise in Collateral tonight – isn’t allowed to speak. This is probably for the best.
Oh good crikey. Now they’re doing I Like to Move It Move It. They’re surrounded by dancers. There are lasers everywhere. This is a level of energy that simply doesn’t deserve to belong on an X Factor final. It’s astonishing. Reggie N Bollie must really want me to carry on liveblogging this.
Reggie N Bollie are doing their song of the series, which quite rightly You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful. It’s certainly going down a storm - I think I just saw Simon Cowell doing a simultaneous neck-dance and overbite. That is HIGH PRAISE INDEED.
Reggie N Bollie’s first song of the evening now. Can they win X Factor? That depends on the answer to the question ‘How many times is the British public willing to listen to two men repeat their own names over an identical backing track?’ If the answer is ‘Slightly more than they already have’, then I’m pretty sure they’ve got this in the bag.
In the VT, Reggie N Bollie watch an old performance of theirs and clap their hands. I think this technically counts as a recap, but Recap Iguana is drinking milk to ease his gullet. Maybe next time.
Time for the post-song interview. HELLO COLDPLAY ARE YOU ON TOUR WHEN’S YOUR ALBUM OUT WHO’S YOUR FAVOURITE NOW GO AWAY ADELE’S ON IN A MINUTE AND SHE’S BETTER.
Four men in unconvincing monkey suits have now joined Coldplay onstage for some synchronised dancing. Remember the year when Coldplay led 10,000 people in a dazzling light show that pushed HD television to brave new heights? Now they’ve just got three rolls of toilet paper and 4th Impact in monkey suits. The music industry isn’t what it was, is it?
Here they are, singing their new song that sounds like it was specifically recorded to provide 75% of ITV2 shows with a soundtrack. It’s quite the new look for Coldplay. Especially for Chris Martin, whose new thing is staggering around on the stage as if he’s been shot in the kneecap.
Now for tonight’s big Coldplay performance, which seems to happen with such deadening regularity during X Factor finals that I fear they might be attempting to become the new Take That Singing The Flood On X Factor 400 Times In A Row. Guys, you’re going to fail. Nobody is the new Take That Singing The Flood On X Factor 400 Times In A Row. Remember Take That Singing The Flood On X Factor 400 Times In A Row? Happier times.
While the ads are on, here’s an updated Cheryl Fernandez Versini lookbook, courtesy of Twitter
@stuheritage - Cheryl looks like one of those 70s toilet roll holders pic.twitter.com/1ATIuDunFy
— Nina (@NinaHampson) December 13, 2015
Some words of advice for the finalists from Mariah Carey now. Although they’re less ‘words of advice’ and more ‘apparently the results of a meaningless platitude generator gone horrifyingly haywire’. I’ve read inspirational Instagram quotes that have had more valuable content than that. 2/10 for Mariah Carey.
Che’s back! And that woman who sang like her mouth was full of pasta is clinging the hell onto him, because she knows that she’s guaranteed a bit more screentime if she does. It’s a cynical tactic, but I can’t remember what her name is so who’s the real winner?
Seann Miley Moore’s being given a lot of time here, though. He pretty much got his own entire verse then. Admittedly he filled it with an absolute maximum of two vowels, but it’s the thought that counts.
I literally cannot remember who the majority of the other acts are, though. And I do this for a living. I mean for crying out loud.
Oh dear lord. Here’s a group performance from all the X Factor finalists. They’re singing Downtown. 4th Impact are here, being good.
Now, would you like to hear what happened last night, or would you prefer to watch a lizard vomit up a deer? I’m being rhetorical - HERE’S RECAP IGUANA
Blardigan just said ‘Egg-kay’ AND forgot to talk into his microphone. This is like a once-around-the-block greatest hits package for him. I’m going to miss Blardigan. I hope he comes to my house after this and just bollockses everything up over and over again for my entertainment.
Time, for the very last time, to meet the judges.
NICK! Dressed as Louis Walsh
JOHN TRAVOLTA! Dressed as the bellydancer who accidentally turned up to your granddad’s funeral.
CHERYL! Literally a feather duster.
SIMON! I am living purely for the one solitary inch of hairless flesh that separates his beard and his chest hair.
Here they are, Flack and Blardigan. Tonight, their shtick is...
HOLDING HANDS, MIMING A SONG AND NOTHING ELSE.
This is the sort of blazing charisma that’ll serve them well in their upcoming careers as the caretakers of an abandoned fairground in the middle of nowhere.
Well this certainly counts as a recap, so let’s say hello to our new favourite recurring Guardian character. It’s RECAP IGUANA!!!
IT’S TIME! TO DEFACE! THE MUSIC!
God, I really do want Reggie N Bollie to win tonight. In fact, you know what? Here’s an ultimatum: I was sort of planning to make this my last-ever X Factor liveblog*, because barely anyone watches X Factor any more, and barely anyone reads the liveblog, and you don’t have to be a genius to see that my heart hasn’t really been in this.
HOWEVER, if Reggie N Bollie X Factor tonight, I will be much MUCH more likely to come back and liveblog next year’s show. But only if they win. Please, you must make them win.
*I did say that last year too, but The Guardian made me liveblog this year’s series. I am essentially powerless. But still, Reggie N Bollie to win please.
Oh, and while I’m embedding tweets, get a load of this.
@stuheritage your X factor live blog is SO funny. Epic.
— Kitty Brucknell (@kittybrucknell) December 13, 2015
Guys, Kitty Brucknell from 2011 is reading this. Shut the front door.
By the way, I really did vote for Reggie N Bollie earlier. Look, have some proof.
Well, this just happened pic.twitter.com/Rw1H8cuGUS
— Stuart Heritage (@stuheritage) December 13, 2015
In case I forget later, I think I should take a moment to say thanks to the few of you who actually stuck around this year. Watching X Factor has been an absolute chore for everybody this time around, and I genuinely expected to be writing this for an audience of zero. The fact that even a few of you clung on means an awful lot. Where we go from here is anyone’s guess, but I appreciate your loyalty nonetheless.
I watched last night’s show, by the way (on catch-up, fast-forwarding through the adverts and recaps – why doesn’t everybody watch it like that?) and truth be told I wish I’d liveblogged it, purely because I think the skit about Louis Walsh being Moon Hitler was a deliberate attempt on the part of the show to appease me. But also, I have some thoughts:
THE BEST BIT: The recap where they played Louisa Johnson’s voice over all the other acts, then cut to Simon Cowell looking all ashen-faced because he knew it’d make everyone claim that the show is a fix again.
Also: the Cameltoe Choir who popped up behind Leona Lewis and Ben Haenow last night.
Also: the return of Simon Cowell’s nearly-beard, currently at the ‘paying for a single can of Special Brew with 2p pieces at 9am in a newsagents’ stage.
Also: Rita Ora’s hair, which was so clearly a wig that I’m going to call her John Travolta for the rest of the series.
THE WORST BIT: Rod Stewart. Rod Bloody Stewart, making the same noise that a waterlogged corpse makes if you poke it with a stick, but worse because waterlogged corpses tend not to heavily allude to sexual intercourse in front of young audiences.
Also: the fact that the entire show didn’t just consist of Fleur East and Little Mix singing songs together.
Also: the duet between Louisa and John Travolta, which essentially sounded like an episode of Jeremy Kyle as directed by Tom Hooper.
SUNDAY! THE X FACTOR FINAL!
Hello literally just my Auntie Helen at this point, and welcome to the X Factor liveblog: the actual actual final. It’s Stuart Heritage at the reigns again. Many thanks to Hannah for doing such a sterling job last night, but now I’m back to ride this thing into the dirt once and for all.
In just over two hours, we’ll have discovered the winner of X Factor 2015. It’ll either be Louisa Johnson or Reggie N Bollie, and if it isn’t Reggie N Bollie then I’m going to have a fit. I’m still pretty sure that the winners’ single will be Forever Young by Bob Dylan, you see, and I really want to hear Reggie N Bollie maul it to death, and I really want that noise to become the Christmas number one. And that means I’ve actually voted tonight. For the first time ever. I didn’t even vote for Wagner, and I properly bloody love Wagner.
We’re in a for a packed night. As well as picking a winner, there’ll be guest performances from Coldplay, Adele and One Direction. And, since this is the final, it only seems sensible that Recap Iguana will get to stretch his legs a little bit too. Thankfully, however, there will be no Rod Stewart tonight. For this alone we should all be extraordinarily grateful.
The show starts at 8pm. We’ve got this far, so let’s all take a deep breath and push through it together. We can do this, egg-kay? We can do this.
Updated
Phonehand, phonehand, vote Reggie N Bollie. May they win and break the Christmas number one.
Join Stuart Heritage, Coldplay, Adele and One Direction right here for the X Factor Final tomorrow night at 8pm. Thank you for your comments. But most of all, thank you, Craig David, for the music and all-round lifestyle motivation. Goodnight!
Che and Grimmy are, in the words of Craig David, Walking Away.
I was going to write that as a Blardigan-style blunder. “Heh heh, as if Reggie N Bollie are through to the final”. But, by the power of Craig David, it has actually happened.
Your X Factor finalists are Louisa and Reggie N Bollie.
SHUT UP, IT’S REGGIE N BOLLIE!
CRAIG DAVID IS THROUGH. Oops, that should read: “Louisa”.
Phonehand all you like, but those lines are closed and it’s time to see who doesn’t come back to watch Coldplay tomorrow. If Reggie N Bollie go now, it’s a travesty.
Things tonight is missing:
1 Seann Miley Moore
2 More Craig David
3 Anyone that would get their songs played on Grimmy’s show
4 The Buble
5 In fact, does anyone remember that time Same Difference did All I Want For Christmas?
Apart from that, there’s not long to go and it’s been a blast, hasn’t it?
Oh please turn this into a Maggie May mash-up.
Imagine if Rod and Craig did a duet right now.
OK, there are a few people finding this liveblog hard to follow. Here’s a recap: Moon Louis Walsh, some songs, Craig David all over your boink, Little Sax, more Rod to come. Everybody clear now? Good.
Recap o’clock. And for anyone finding this liveblog a little hard to follow, all you need is Craig David’s Greatest Hits and another drink.
Blardigan’s right: it’s a modern-day supergroup.
This has a touch of the Lady Marmalade, but it just goes to show how good X Factor runners-up can be. Maybe Reggie N Bollie are the Fleur East of 2015.
Fleur and Little Mix, plus a plinth: that’s Black Magic.
Swap the songs over, but Craig David still wins. Credit to Flackers for holding it together though.
Vote for Louisa or she’ll be walking awaaaay.
These girls can sing. All over your boink.
Louisa is embracing Jennifer Hudson night, but does she have Craig David? No, she has Rita Ora.
Yeah, whatever, Louisa. Unless you’re about to do What’s Your Flava? it’s all over.
Craig David would be in my friendship bucket.
Blardigan wants a re-re-wind. Who doesn’t? In fact, that’s what I’m going to do in the adverts. The moment Craig David took to the stage, though. “You know, you know Reggie N Bollie do it like that”.
Still, he’s got tomorrow to chill.
There’s not enough Craig David on X Factor. Probably because he’s usually making love on a Saturday.
Eat clean and train dirty! It’s only Craig David! The X Factor moment of the century. Where’s Kes?
Reggie N Bollie now. Bring on the Coldplay duet. Oh no, they’ve got Fuse ODG. Your love is like hey-laaaaa. This is total RNB.
Rod! Rod! Rod! Look at him, resplendent with his peacock hair. So he may not have had a decent hit since 1978’s Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? but it’s Rod. You hear me? You can’t hear Che, but who cares? It’s this year’s Alexandra/Beyoncé moment.
Che’s doing The First Cut Is The Deepest and some ladies are waving at him. Where’s Rod?
“It’s the 19-year-old lad from Essex with the incredible voice.” Blardigan is wistfully thinking of his younger self rather than Che.
That song has taken the mood down a bit, hasn’t it? Hopefully they’ll bring out Gamu and Ablisa next.
“Guys”. That says it all, really. They should have got Leona doing One More Sleep.
It’s Chico time!
Uh-oh, I smell Snow Patrol.
This is what you have to look forward to, Louisa!
“One has had an amazing year, the other is Ben Haenow.” Oh yes, it’s the first guest performance.
It’s that time of the night when I get to delve below the line and guffaw at your comments and plinth love. Keep ’em coming! I’m also muting the telly because my neighbours are having a 60th birthday and their playlist is H.O.T. Now playing: Alicia Bridges’ I Love The Nightlife.
There’s a disappointing lack of phonehand tonight. Maybe Louisa just brushed her hair away because she felt one coming on.
Cowell: “You. Can. Sing.” Grimmy: “You can sing”. Ora: Some veiled threat about what’s coming up later.
And again!
Anyone got “17 years old” in their drinking game?
This version’s alright and they’ve booked actual Heaven for the backdrop, so Louisa’s still the favourite.
Yesss! Louisa is busting out R Kelly’s I Believe I Can Fly. Which gives me the chance to bust out my favourite pop fact: R Kelly has a fear of flying, so spends hours on his tour bus rather than getting on a plane. It’s no Ignition though, is it? Toot-toooot.
Only a duet with Wagner can lose it for Louisa now. Ora’s over-the-knee boots would not pass an Ofsted inspection though.
Right, it’s the adverts so time to get another drink and fantasise about how amazing Diva Fever would have been if they’d have made it to The X Factor Final.
Grimmy’s verdict: “Wow”. He loves their contagious energy. “I might be the most hated person right now,” says Ora. OK.
“A strawberry and liver milkshake,” says Cowell. “You’re shouting a little bit.” Who isn’t?
“Guys” klaxon! Drink!
Ooh, they’ve tickled Cowell.
Truly, these two put the R and indeed B in R n B.
They’re singing a bit like they’ve never heard the song before, but at least there’s a Human Centipede. Sorry, conga.
Reggie N Bollie may not have massive baps, but they’re here to Spice Up Your Life. Aaaaaah...
Every time Cheryl does an impromptu dance, another person pines for that time she nicknamed herself “Push Ten” on The Passions of Girls Aloud.
This is just lots of people going: “Mash it up”, isn’t it?
How is Che the underdog? He’s the one who can sing. In case you hadn’t noticed, Louisa is going to win. Don’t bet on it, though. I put 50 quid on Fleur last year and then she got stiffed with a Labrinth duet. “Perfect,” says Grimmy.
“Congrats” Faintest praise ever from Ora there. At least Cheryl says it’s “God-given”.
Will he get in that giant burger and get eaten by Cowell later?
Che has his own diner. He’s singing Amy Winehouse’s Valerie. Actually, The Zutons’ Valerie. But he’s not making that song his own.
Grimmy’s really nice, isn’t he? In other news, that tour bus with Che’s name on isn’t a patch on the Backstreet Boys’ plane.
If anyone has Che crying in your drinking game as well as “journey”, please down in one now.
YOU’RE a massive X Factor bus.
Thoughts so far, you lot below the line? I don’t know if I said yes to one too many mulled wines at a kids’ birthday party earlier, but this reminds me of the Smash Hits Poll Winners’ Party. Oh now Stevie’s singing a Christmas song in the ads. I’m getting all sentimental.
Apologies to any millennials - that was a Kriss Kross reference.
Reggie N Bollie alert! If you’re not swapping rearranging your clothes so they’re back to front, viewers, you have no soul.
First up: Che. He may not have his shirt tucked in, but he can feel it coming in the air tonight. Oh, here’s Louisa. Medley klaxon! Pray that Xtina and the rabbit from the Diirty video storm the stage.
I don’t want to come over all Black Eyed Peas, but I suspect tonight’s going to be a good night. Heritage is going to be gutted he’s missing this. “You remind me of a young Moon Hitler...”
Tonight, X Factor is live from actual Wembley. Not just that studio round the corner with all the crisps. Blardigan and Flackers are ready. Cheryl emerges in full Girls Aloud’s The Promise gownage, Grimmy is working it, no-one is ready for Rita Ora’s jelly and Cowell’s hot like fiy-ah. Actually, this is quite good.
That looks like a young Louis Walsh. Wait, what?
Hello everyone, order your takeaway and charge your glasses: it’s the biggest TV night of the year. Oh yes, The X Factor Final! International superstars are jetting in to duet with the finest talent and a new superstar will be launched… Hang on, it’s not 2009 any more, is it?
Back in the real world, it’s Louisa vs Che vs Reggie N Bollie. Thanks for being here after such a “vintage” year.
You’ve got a stand-in liveblogger tonight, but curtail your complaints because the infinitely more hilarious Stuart Heritage returns for the big finale tomorrow. Until then, I’m borrowing his catchphrases.
It really doesn’t get any better than this, does it? OK, let the Saturday night fun begin (once you’ve all switched over from Strictly).
Good evening, X Factorists. Brace yourself: it’s just one hour to go until showtime. Please try and contain your excitement as there’ll be enough of that once this (drumroll ahoy!) X Factor Final 2015 Liveblog gets started.
Join me here at 8pm and in the meantime, here’s Stuart Heritage on the finalists and their chances of winning…
