Egg-kay. The bad news is that Lauren won’t make it to next week’s final on Saturday. The good news is that, well, neither will I. The liveblog will still be here from 8pm, but I’ll be far far away. I’m sure you’ll cope. Both of you.
However, I’ll be back next Sunday at 8pm for the final X Factor final, where there’ll be guest performances aplenty and – if all goes well – we’ll get to see Reggie N Bollie slaughter Bob Dylan’s Forever Young in the name of charity. Fingers crossed! Egg-kay! See you in a week!
The public says... GOODBYE LAUREN. But this means we get to see Lauren’s Best Bits package, which is essentially the story of a woman gradually having the Instagram saturation filter of her entire life turned down.
Simon gets the casting vote. He’s exploiting this by waffling like a ninny and then initiating DEADLOCK. It’s over to the public, which is a bad sign because the public is a sack of gits.
Cheryl sends Lauren home BECAUSE LAUREN IS CRYING. How amazingly cruel. I wish X Factor was like this all the time.
Rita sends Che home, because Lauren is her act. Now, let’s get brutal.
So, over to the judges. Nick sends Lauren home, because Che is his act.
Based on this, I’d put Che through to the final. But, christ, don’t listen to me. I have to liveblog X Factor for a living. I am essentially entirely worthless.
He’s doing Bridge Over Troubled Water, and he’s chosen to differentiate himself from Lauren by exercising a modicum of restraint. This is actually much easier to listen to, but I’m slightly worried that this is because it’s just fatally boring.
Oh, no, it’s just normal Che, doing the normal Che thing of standing still and holding his belly.
And she missed a cue. This is known in the business as Pulling A Blardigan. Technically that’s a Che move, which leads me to believe that Che’s going to return the favour by coming out onstage coated in three inches of Ronseal.
I have no idea what this song is. This is partly because I’m too old and busy to remember what songs are called, and partly because Lauren is performing it in the style of a schoolbus going off the side of a cliff.
We’re back, and Lauren’s up first. She’s already in years before the song has even begun. This is going to a right old rubbernecker.
And the winners’ single. What does this mean for the winners’ single? The easy thing to do would be to give all the finalists separate songs that reflect their own personality. But I think that’s a cop out. I say either force Reggie N Bollie to struggle through a laboured Bob Dylan ballad, or force Louisa Johnson to struggle through a Hi-NRG Zumba version of Where Me Keys Where Me Phone. No compromises.
But still, Reggie N Bollie in the final. That’s good news, isn’t it? At the very least, it means they’ll get an extended Best Bits package that literally just consists of them yelling ‘REGGIE N BOLLIE REGGIE N BOLLIE’ over and over again.
And Louisa is in the final. It’s a Che v Lauren sing-off. This was entirely expected. I think Lauren will go home, which means that Che will go home because I think I’m currently running at a zero percent success rate here.
REGGIE N BOLLIE ARE IN THE FINAL. This is a very good turn of events. A very good turn of events indeed.
So. Two acts are safe. Two acts will sing. One act will get next week off. They must all be crossing their fingers so hard.
Now, in a gruesome tonal lurch, let’s destroy the dreams of a mediocre performer with limited shelf life!
And we’re back. And now for the bit where they reveal the charities that’ll receive proceeds from the winners’ single. They are Together For Short Lives and Shooting Star Chase.
This is a really difficult film to watch. If you don’t fancy buying the winners’ single – which you shouldn’t, because it’s going to sound like a herd of cattle being fed into a mincer – you can donate to the charities by clicking the links above.
Oh, a James Bond aftershave. Seven, by 007. Smell like a drunk rapist. Pour homme.
And other adverts. So many adverts. Don’t make me introduce you to Advert Iguana, guys.
More adverts now. Adverts for Waitrose sprouts that have gone to such extraordinary lengths to not taste like sprouts that you’re left battling the sensation that it’d be much less effort to just admit that sprouts are horrible and not buy them in the first place. Also, adverts for porridge.
I think I like Sia.
The song is over. Slowly, Plinth Lady slowly runs out of oxygen. Blardigan has to stand underneath the plinth to conduct his interview. ARE YOU ON TOUR SIA HAVE YOU GOT AN ALBUM OUT SIA DO YOU LIKE X FACTOR SIA NOW GET OUT.
And now she’s drowning in milk. Oh Plinth Lady, will you ever get a break?!?!?
Nope, she’s farting geometrical shapes instead. Close, though.
Now the plinth lady is getting attacked by birds. I’ve decided to ignore Sia’s song entirely, because the story of the plinth lady is a bit like watching an interpretive dance version of Mr Bean. Maybe she’ll get a turkey stuck on her head next! LOL!
What’s this, Sia? A transparent plinth? A plinth with a person in it? An actual living person who keeps getting struck by lightning? This is exceptional plinthwork. Exceptional. 9/10 for plinthwork.
Now for a guest performance from Sia, a woman who wears a wig over her face so that nobody ever learns her true identity. Maybe she won’t have to wear it tonight, given that nobody actually watches X Factor any more.
Egg-kay, we’re back. And the voting is closed. This means nothing to you, because you’re better that that, and this is why I respect you.
Great job, M&S. Make an advert about moving food. Yummy! Food that moves!
Oh look, toothbrushes have apps now, in case you’re too stupid to know how to brush your own teeth. This is handy, because 35 years of shoving my toothbrush up my bum, doing starjumps and singing I’m A Little Teapot over and over again has left my dental hygiene in quite the state.
Egg-kay, it’s time for the first ad break of the night.
Time for the post-song interview with Jason. HI JASON IS YOUR ALBUM OUT JASON ARE YOU ON TOUR WHO DO YOU WANT TO WIN JASON NOW GET OUT.
I have a horrible suspicion that this is the 12-inch remix of the song, because it doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to end. For younger readers, a 12-inch remake is a version of a song that’s demonstrably worse than the original.
I can only assume that this entire song is about splattery poo, because Jason is singing all the lyrics in the style of a guinea pig that’s been trapped in a lift door, and they’re quite hard to make out. A lot of his dancers are wearing wipe-clean outfits, though, so one can only assume that this sort of thing happens a lot.
Is this a song about gastroenteritis? Is he singing ’I want you to want me’ at a pack of Imodium? Is he going to conclude this performance by swamping himself in a cloud of liquid diarrhoea? Guys, this song just got really interesting.
Right. He did just definitely say ‘I got the shits on the floor’ just then, didn’t he?
Now for a guest performance by Jason Derulo, the world’s leading one-man Reggie N Bollie tribute act.
Here’s another recap. They’re running the performances out of order, which strikes me as a cynical attempt to position Louisa Johnson as the frontrunner tonight, but that doesn’t matter because LOOK HERE’S RECAP IGUANA AGAIN!
Never leave us, Recap Iguana.
Oh goodness. Reggie N Bollie just absolutely highjacked the performance. This might be because they can’t actually sing, so it’s easier to just draft them in halfway through to jabber on about nothing, but it improved the song immensely. I want Reggie N Bollie to do next year’s John Lewis advert please.
And now for the group performance. It’s a John Lewis version of Happy by Pharrell. Maybe this is the future of music. Maybe all songs will have to be rerecorded as annoying slowed-down ballads, and we’ll only be able to experience them as backdrops for adverts where old people slowly run out of oxygen alone in their beds.
Oh! Che’s Happy Drummer! I miss you, Che’s Happy Drummer.
Egg-kay, it’s time for an interminable recap. You know what that means. Hey, Recap Iguana, tell us a moving story about your troubled upbringing.
God, Recap Iguana, that’s so touching. I have tears in my eyes.
Let’s meet the judges again:
NICK! Dressed as Louis Walsh.
RITA! Dressed as a Pearly King.
CHERYL! Dressed as a literal Crayola.
SIMON! Simon.
Blardigan just pronounced ‘OK’ as ‘Egg-kay’.
Here’s Flack and Blardigan. Tonight’s shtick - pointing and farting. This is probably a series highlight for them, to be honest.
LAST NIGHT! We all made friends with Recap Iguana, and he’s back. Hi, Recap Iguana!
I love you, Recap Iguana.
IT’S TIME! TO FACE! RELENTLESS MEDIOCRITY!
Hooray, Alexander Armstrong’s got a Mulligan and O’Hare tribute album out. That’ll be fun.
Oh, I should probably apologise for the way I ended last night’s liveblog too. Just after I signed off, I saw an advert for next year’s X Factor – which is definitely happening – and I made a sort of involuntary groan of premature bereavement. Sorry about that. Anyway, in short, the campaign to make this the last ever year of these X Factor liveblogs begins now.
RESULTS!
Hello, three people, and welcome to the X Factor liveblog: The Sunday Results Show Afterthought. I’m here, Recap Iguana is here and we’re going to have one hell of an hour. Or we’re going to have hell for one hour. One or the other.
Anyway, tonight marks the very last elimination before next week’s final. And that must be a lot of pressure on the contestants, because it means they’ll somehow have to summon up a single scrap of charisma between them and, judging by everything we’ve seen so far, that’s going to be impossible.
But who’s going home tonight? Nobody cares. But seriously though, who’s going home tonight? It doesn’t matter, because nobody cares. But who’s going home tonight? It could literally be any of them, and nobody would care, because they’re all the same and X Factor is terrible and I don’t know why anyone who isn’t paid to watch it is even tuning in any more. See you at 8pm.
OH GOD WAIT NO THEY JUST SAID THAT X FACTOR IS DEFINITELY BACK NEXT YEAR OH NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. NO NO NO. NO.
Bye.
And, well, that’s it. From this point on it’s just going to be guffy filler, so I’ll bow out now. Thanks for reading, the six people who actually read this. And don’t forget to weirdly prioritise tomorrow night’s 8pm results show liveblog either, because that’s happening too. Bye!
Everyone has performed. There’s a final recap. What does this mean? You guessed it.
Ladies and gentleman, Recap Iguana is here. What did you make of tonight’s performances, Recap Iguana?
Well put, Recap Iguana. Well put. See you tomorrow, Recap Iguana.
Everyone loved that, though. The crowd is still cheering. Reggie N Bollie must make the final, they all say. And they’re right. Because, seriously, I heard that the winners’ single is going to be a ropey old Bob Dylan ballad, and I REALLY want to hear them sing that.
And now they’re doing I Like To Move It Move It. There is confetti. There are lightsticks. Everyone looks as if they’re having a wonderful time. They’re not, because tonight I looked into the eyes of Che Chesterman’s Happy Drummer and saw true happiness for the first time in my life, and I can see this for the sham it is.
Reggie N Bollie are singing I Gotta Feeling, from their new album This Is Genuinely The Worst Zumba Class I Have Ever Been To.
Reggie N Bollie now. Their sob story is that they chose to have families instead of just standing around shouting ‘REGGIE N BOLLIE REGGIE N BOLLIE’ over and over again. Those idiots.
We’re back. Blardigan literally just had a conversation with himself because he doesn’t know how autocues work. I like to think that he did this just to cheer me up. If that was the case, thank you Blardigan.
PLOT TWIST
@stuheritage but suddenly, #saddrummer pic.twitter.com/bk8GrNgkGQ
— Ross Fleming (@rossxfleming) December 5, 2015
More adverts now. A Sin City ripoff where Captain America shags for perfume. The opening titles for True Detective season three posing an an iPad ad. An advert where a city hates Nissan so much that it actively attempts to destroy them. On and on they go. On and on and on. Singing words and adverts. That’s all my life is now.
Someone just tweeted me a picture of Ringo Starr drumming and smiling. @NoelJCullen, you have made this evening bearable. I might sack this off and dedicate my life to smiling and drumming.
I’m so bored. This is barely even a performance. It’s just a woman singing words. That’s all it is. Six years. Six years I’ve been doing this now, and I’ve run out of things to say. That was a woman singing words. Next, some men sing words. Next week, some people sing words and that’s it and none of it means anything and I just want to sleep. That’s all I want. Just some sleep.
Lauren’s singing Run (Lose it All), which is coincidentally what she yelled at 4th Impact as they left the studio last week.
Also, she’s standing in such an embarrassingly small amount of smoke that it looks like she’s farted, and the fart caught fire, and then fell out of her trouser legs.
Anyway, Lauren’s up next. In the VT, Lauren reveals that she sleeps on the sofa. This mainly involves Lauren saying that she sleeps on a sofa, and the sofa smiling a bit.
Now THAT’s a happy drummer.
We’re back. And GUYS
@stuheritage #happydrummer from Love Actually. pic.twitter.com/mox3qlXhf3
— Ross Fleming (@rossxfleming) December 5, 2015
Now an advert for Tesco. The unspoken slogan for this year’s campaign, by the way, is ‘Tesco: for idiots and sex pests’.
This happy drummer thing isn’t really working out from a content generation point of view. I didn’t imagine it, did I? She really was a very happy drummer, wasn’t she? I wasn’t just projecting happiness onto her, was I? I’m questioning everything now. Everything.
That went down well. The judges are lapping it up, because the judges enjoy being yelled at, because the judges presumably get yelled at relentlessly by ITV executives who can’t understand why this year’s series is so massively unwatchable.
Louisa is clearly having a ball here, because this song allows her to bellow all the lyrics at the top of her voice, and that’s the only way she knows how to sing. She’s got weird stage presence too; strutting up and down the stage like Cheryl Fernandez Versini introducing the iPhone 3GS to a pack of slathering bloggers.
Louisa’s singing It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World, presumably because some malicious force within Syco is desperate to position her as the new Joss Stone.
Louisa again now. She’s just said that she was eight years old when Leona Lewis won X Factor. If I stop updating this liveblog, it’s because my bones have literally disintegrated from old age.
Judges’ roundup:
NICK: Crying.
RITA: Not crying.
SIMON: Slagged it off immensely.
CHERYL: Crying like she cried that time she was fired from the board of Apple.
Wait, no it wasn’t. I’ve just realised that it sounded like an outtake from an album called Mick Hucknall Does Amy Winehouse, and therefore I reverse my decision. It was a bad song.
Che’s singing Love is a Losing Game, because there is no song called Che is a Losing Contestant.
Oh, that was mean. This is OK. It’s something that you’d hear a pianist sing at a pizza restaurant, and it’d put you off your pizza because nobody wants to be bummed out with pizza in their mouth. And clearly they made a mistake by not having Che’s Happy Drummer come back out onstage to grin and wink and drum, but this is OK.
We’re back. More singing is imminent. Che’s up first. But first: Che gets to Facetime with Mark Ronson about his choice of song. This mainly involves Che talking to Mark Ronson, and then Mark Ronson smiling a bit.
There are adverts now, but none of them have any happy drummers in them, so they can all go and take a running jump.
The whole happy drummer thing is starting to get a bit contentious now. Look what I just got sent
Korean Drummer Steals The Show - My Way (Original Upload) @stuheritage This IS THE #Happydrummer https://t.co/ycymTyI7pm
— Karen (@Karen_Megster) December 5, 2015
Is he a happy drummer? Is he really? I’d argue that the bulk of his happiness came from showing up the rest of his band. Che’s Happy Drummer, meanwhile, just radiated happiness because she was sitting behind a drumset. She just loves drums. That’s all there is to it. She loves drums. She just bloody loves drums so bloody much.
Recap over, it’s time for Caroline Flack to interview Lionel Richie. This mainly involves Caroline Flack saying some words at Lionel Richie, and the Lionel Richie smiling a bit.
Oh, there’s another recap now. You know what that means! Hey, recap Iguana, what’s new?
Oh Recap Iguana, you crack me up.
I found another happy drummer, by the way.
super pumped!! all my gratitude to @TAMAofficial for building this custom kit for me! #happydrummer @offspring pic.twitter.com/KIj0OKyArh
— Pete Parada (@PeteParada) March 9, 2015
He’s a quite happy drummer, but he’s not as happy a drummer as Che’s Happy Drummer. #Happydrummer.
Cheryl says that Louisa was mindblowing. So mindblowing that she briefly forgets to launch the iPod mini, which she’d been planning to do for some time now.
Before she started singing this, Louisa said that she was putting her own spin on the song. ‘What did that mean?’ I wondered. Turns out it means ‘Doing the version of Power of Love from that advert a couple of years ago’. And also shouting. She shouted a lot. She shouted so much that I think I could accurately identify her last three dinners.
Louisa is singing The Power of Love. Not that version of The Power of Love. And not that version of The Power of Love. And not that version of The Power of Love. The other one.
In the VT, Louisa has a masterclass with Lionel Richie. It mainly involves Louisa singing at Lionel Richie, and then Lionel Richie smiling at Louisa a bit.
GOT IT. Louisa Johnson is a contestant on the 2015 series of X Factor. That’s a fact, isn’t it?
Time now for Louisa Johnson. Quick everyone, state your favourite Louisa Johnson fact. It’s that she’s 17 years old, isn’t it? Now name your second-favourite Louisa Johnson fact!
Um…
Um…
No, wait, I’m sure there’s one somewhere.
Oh, there’s going to a Sound Of Music Live on December 20th. Quick FYI for any of my employers who might be reading: there is literally not a chance in hell that I’m liveblogging that.
And how could I have forgotten the happy drummer from this year’s Eurovision?
A happy drummer is, uh, high #HappyDrummer #Eurovision2015 pic.twitter.com/yn4jX6v7rg
— OfficialDyanno (@MrChaortic) May 23, 2015
By the way, this is basically just going to be a liveblog about happy drummers now. X Factor can do one.
I just checked Twitter to see if #Happydrummer was trending yet. It isn’t, but apparently Che’s Happy Drummer isn’t the only happy drummer in the world. Look, here’s this from two and a half months ago:
Who knew a new drum stool could be so exciting! #happydrummer pic.twitter.com/a2QTuW0fCU
— Sebastian Jones (@sebjones95) September 16, 2015
Che says the best thing about his performance was the fact that he remembered the lyrics. Nicely self-deprecating, Che. But the real best thing about Che’s performance was Che’s Happy Drummer. #Happydrummer.
Simon says that Che’s performance will be enough to get him into the final. He wasn’t talking to Che, though. He was talking to Che’s happy drummer. We’re all talking to Che’s happy drummer. We’ll all be talking to Che’s happy drummer for the rest of our lives. She’s such a happy drummer.
If the happy drummer likes one thing, it’s drumming. If she loves another thing, it’s happiness.
Two things are notable about this performance.
1) Don’t the disembodied Talk Talk heads sing this during the pre-show stings? And if so, isn’t this a bit cynical?
2) Che has got the WORLD’S HAPPIEST DRUMMER. Look at her. She’s so happy to be playing the drums. Drums drums drums. I want to crawl through my TV and squidge her little cheeks, the happy little drummer.
Che’s singing Would I Lie to You, because he accidentally thought this week’s theme was Songs Named After TV Shows. I wish it was, because I’d love to see Reggie N Bollie perform an original composition entitled Paul O’Grady’s For the Love of Dogs.
Time for Che Chesterman, a man who at this point exists purely to foul up songs you used to like. What’ll he do tonight? Forget the words? Beep like a robot? Poo his pants, and then fish the poo out of his hands, and then hold it aloft like it’s the baby lion at the start of The Lion King? I can’t wait to find out.
In the VT, Che has his masterclass with Lionel Richie. This mainly involved Che singing at Lionel Richie and then Lionel Richie smiling a bit.
I just saw an advert for perfume, where a man asks a girl to give some blossom to a woman, and the girl gives it to a boy, and the boy gives it to the woman, and then kisses her, and the woman looked as if she orgasmed. Perfume is weird.
Some adverts now. After the adverts, Che and Louisa will be performing. I’m expecting big things from them, because Blardigan just said ‘You twroo do not want to miss it’, and I believe him. I believe that I really twroo do not want to miss it.
Also, none of the other judges really liked that performance, and they’re right because it was dreadful. This is easily the worst batch of X Factor semi-finalists in the entire history of the show.
Cheryl isn’t convinced by Lauren’s performance. But she is convinced by this new invention called the iPad, which is going to rock your world.
Lauren’s singing her old favourite Take Me Home, but she’s singing it in an unusual style. It’s unusual because she doesn’t seem to be hitting any of the notes. She’s squeaked, she’s burped, she’s yelled, but she hasn’t really sang anything. Personally, I blame the mirror next to her. It must be putting her off. It must be taking all her self-control not to turn around and lamp her own reflection for looking at her funny.
Now for Lauren Murray, who was in the sing-off last week. I hope she’s not too angry about that, because 4th Impact aren’t around to act as a conduit for her rage, so there’s every chance that she’ll get so angry that she turns into pure electricity and rains down a plague of horror on this fine country.
In the VT, Lauren had a masterclass with Lionel Richie. This involved Lauren singing to Lionel Richie, and then Lionel Richie smiling a bit.
The judges, in order.
SIMON: That was awful.
NICK: That was awful.
RITA: Essentially just saying ‘Reggie N Bollie’ over and over again.
CHERYL: Hey guys, I’ve just invented this thing called an iPod. You’re gonna love it.
Also, my favourite part of that performance: the cutaway to Rita Ora sullenly staring at her own boobs.
Oh, it’s OK, they’ve changed some of the lyrics to ‘REGGIE N BOLLIE’ over and over again. Thank god for that. I was a little nervous there for a moment, guys.
Reggie N Bollie are singing a song that’s apparently called Locked Away, but I’m going to level with you, I’m scared of it. It’s got actual notes in it. And lyrics that aren’t just ‘REGGIE N BOLLIE’ over and over again. Are they... are they actually making a bid for legitimacy here? Because, if they are, it’s over.
First up this week: Reggie N Bollie or, since this is ITV and they’re sort for notorious for this, two holograms of Ainsley Harriott.
In the VT, Reggie N Bollie had a masterclass with Lionel Richie. This basically involved Reggie N Bollie singing, and then Lionel Richie smiling a bit. MASTERCLASS.
Let’s meet the judges.
NICK! Wearing an X!
RITA! Already tripping up on her ridiculous Afghan hound of a dress.
CHERYL! Late-period Steve Jobs.
SIMON! Not even trying any more.
And leading the studio audience in an agonised verse of a Lionel Richie song. Do stop being you, Blardigan. Stop being you immediately.
Here comes Blardigan and Flack. Tonight’s tedious shtick: pulling a funny face and turning around. Don’t ever stop being you, Blardigan.
Also in this recap: the contestants describe how much they want to win, with metal buckets on their heads, in a corn silo.
Oh, a recap already. I guess this means you have to SAY HELLO TO YOUR NEW FRIEND, RECAP IGUANA! Say hi, Recap Iguana.
IT’S TIME! TO DEFACE! THE MUSIC!
By the way, I’m so bored of liveblogging recaps that I’ve invented a new way to jazz them up a bit. You’ll see what it is soon enough. Oh, you’ll all see.
Before X Factor starts, a quick Strictly Come Dancing update:
Len Goodman is clearly a man proud of his numerical catchphrases. He’s realised that ‘Ten’ rhymes with ‘Len’, so that’s a catchphrase, and he’s also decided that another catchphrase should just be him saying the word ‘seven’ in a funny way. But what about the others? I’ve decided to help him out.
1 - ‘One, you turd’.
2 - Two-wit, two-two’ (while flapping his arms around like an owl.
3 - ‘You don’t get nothing... FOR FREE (three)!’
4 - ‘May the number four be with you’
5 - ‘Johnny Five is alive beep boop beep boop no disassemble NO DISASSMBLE NUMBER FIVE’
6 - ‘Stick your bricks in my knicks, it’s a six’
8 - ‘ONE! TWO! THREE ! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! EIGHT! EIGHT! EIGHT! EIGHT! EIGHT! EIGHT! EIGHT!’
9 - ‘Len Goodman? Len Goodmnine, more like!’
You’re welcome, Len Goodman.
Welcome, minuscule band of overt masochists, and welcome to the X Factor liveblog. This is it. This is the big semi-final weekend. Only one thing stands between the remaining contestants and the X Factor final, and that’s a song. And then another song. And then a load of recaps. And then, if they’re in the bottom two, another song. Then probably a deadlock. It’s so close they can probably imagine what smelling it is like.
But let’s not get too excited about next week just yet, because we’ve got hours and hours of this week to get through. As is becoming painfully traditional here, I haven’t got a clue what tonight’s theme is or what anyone’s going to sing. I think I remember hearing something about Lionel Richie mentoring everyone this week, and if that’s the case I have a horrible feeling that it means Che Chesterman will probably get to mess up a different song called Hello. But, then again, we might get lucky and see Reggie N Bollie turn Three Times a Lady into an enduring Zumba classic.
Oh, whatever. The show starts at 8pm. I’m here if you need me.
