And there we have it. Jay is gone and we’re now officially into X Factor’s final month. The end is in sight! I’m still probably going to run out of sausage jokes in about a fortnight, but we can probably do this!
The important thing is that you don’t forget to join me back here next Saturday at 8pm for next week’s liveblog. Not for any big reason, just that I’m vain and needy, and also your comments make me laugh. As you’re probably sick of hearing, I’m on Twitter at @StuHeritage. That is all. INCREDIBLE SCENES.
Plus, no more Skype jokes. I worry that Jay’s going to go and become the next Steve Brookstein, but at least I don’t have to make any more Skype jokes. That’s something, right?
EVEN MORE INCREDIBLE SCENES
JAY HAS GONE HOME. Stevi’s shaded it on the public vote. And now he’s got to spend the rest of the competition with Simon Cowell, the man who just decided to vote him home. X Factor 2014 just got REALLY BLOODY INTERESTING.
INCREDIBLE SCENES
Incredible scenes.
INCREDIBLE SCENES.
CHERYL SENDS JAY HOME. THIS IS A DEADLOCK. INCREDIBLE SCENES.
Wait... WAIT. Melb just sent Jay home. If Cheryl does the same it’ll be a deadlock.
Louis also sends home Stevi. If Stevi goes home, the studio audience is going to riot.
He sends home Stevi. It’s basically all over.
But it’s over to the judges. Both acts belong to Simon. And he’s choosing first. Everyone’s chanting Stevi’s name. This is going to be interesting.
That was... that was astonishing.
This isn’t very good either. But he’s started a claplong, and he’s marching around the stage. And Dermot’s grinning, bless him. How could the judges possibly send him home after a masterpiece like this?
He’s doing Somebody To Love by Queen. Like Andrea did the other week. And, just like Andrea, he seems to be using it as an excuse to show everyone the back of his teeth.
And now here’s Stevi, walking on to lots more applause than Jay.
Also, when he’s singing “Why don’t we go somewhere only we know” I assume he’s talking about a Skype chatroom, which is creepy.
He’s not making a very good fist of it, either. The first bit’s too weedy, and he’s determined to fit the letter Y into words where it doesn’t belong in the second. “Symplyle thyinyngs” etc. It’s poor.
Jay’s up first. He’s singing... wait, he’s singing LAST YEAR’S JOHN LEWIS CHRISTMAS ADVERT SONG. Low blow, Jay. Low blow.
So it’s a Jay and Stevi sing-off. Stevi doesn’t stand a chance. This is going to be a very upsetting 14 minutes.
Anyway, RESULTS. The final act through is ONLY THE YOUNG. Thank GOD.
Briefly worried that I was too mean about a charity single. Checked Twitter. Realised that I was comparatively quite kind. Twitter’s a weird place, isn’t it?
And now an advert for Olly Murs, ensuring that the Let It Go advert only remained a realistically feasible earworm for three seconds. TROUBLEMAKER.
And now an advert where loads of people sing Let It Go, ensuring that Do They Know It’s Christmas only remains a realistically feasible earworm for approximately 12 seconds.
Also, they’ve changed all the lyrics to be slightly less edgy than normal. This will continue, I suspect, for several decades until the stars of the day gather together to record Band Aid 120, the lyrics of which are just ‘situation’ and ‘yes’.
In summary, it sounds a lot more like the original version than I was expecting, although I’m gutted that Dizzee Rascal wasn’t invited back to do a rap.
Bono’s there, too, not just dumping the song onto your computer for free like he usually does. This is a novelty.
Right. The song. It’s slower, in the style of the 2004 version. One Direction’s there. Sam Smith’s there. About 400 other people I don’t recognise because I’m old are there.
Bob’s warning us to look away if we’re squeamish about disturbing scenes. And the scenes of Ebola sufferers are very disturbing. But we all just watched all of Stevi’s performance last night, so we’re probably quite desensitised.
The song is available to download at 8am tomorrow, by the way. Nobody’s heard it yet. It might be awful. But I do suspect that’s not really the point.
Bob Geldof just referred to ‘X Factor nation’. I’d imagine that it’s a very small nation, full of very angry people.
Olly didn’t even get to listlessly tell Dermot that he’s going on tour - like everyone else who’s ever performed on X Factor - because here’s Bob Geldof!
Incidentally, the title of Olly’s new album is Never Been Better which, if that performance was anything to go by, seems like a tragic indictment of his career up until this point.
4) Olly Murs pulled a face like “WAHEY! LUCKY OLD ME, EH? GOR BLIMEY WORRAMILIKE?” face whenever a dancer walked past him, which was often.
3) Olly Murs human-centipeded a row of dancers with his genitals.
Things that have happened so far in this performance:
1) Olly Murs has acted out every sing word of the lyrics. Literally every single one of them.
2) Olly Murs started masturbating and a dancer had to run on and cover up his genitals with a bit of cardboard.
This is a disappointment. Olly’s performing his new song Wrapped Up, which I was hoping would be Christmas-themed. It isn’t, though. It sounds like a bootsale version of Get Lucky, and is therefore indistinguishable from any other Olly Murs song.
Anyway, now for a performance by Olly Murs that I’ll pretend to hate but secretly quite like. Unless he wears a silly hat in it, because then I will actually legitimately hate it.
We’re back! Again! God knows what happens now! Zack Morris looks miserable backstage! ONLY THE YOUNG!
Of the remaining three, I really hope that Jay James goes tonight. That’s partly because he looks like he has the cold dead heart of an automaton, but mainly because I don’t have Skype jokes left.
So, the final three are Jay James, Only The Young and Stevi. One’s definitely safe. I hope it’s Only The Young, because otherwise that guy in the audience is going to be all like...
BEN CRAP ME A SAUSAGE HAENOW is also through. Nobody has shouted ONLY THE YOUNG for a while. I think he’s probably been silenced by a... nope, there he is.
Ah. LAUREN’s through. I am a terrible predictor.
Oh, STEREO KICKS are through, too. In that case, I think that Lauren’s probably in the sing-off.
Andrea’s through too. Not a surprise.
FLEUR is through. ONLY THE YOUNG MAN is not happy.
And the really loud ONLY THE YOUNG man is back. I love him.
Yup, it’s time to do the first bit of the results. Jay and Stereo Kicks in the bottom two. That’s what I’m predicting.
We’re back! And the judges aren’t in their seats. This must mean...
There are more adverts. One’s for a Christmas advert where a reindeer poos in a child’s face. It is already my favourite Christmas film of all time.
Also, as my wife just pointed out, it’s beginning to look a lot like November.
Here’s a Christmas advert I haven’t seen, where Ant & Dec sing It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas. To be fair, I think I preferred the ones that cynically cashed in on real-life atrocities.
After the song, Nicole shouted the word ‘pussy’. Which is a step-up from ‘balls’ at least. The woman is diversifying.
Right, this song is Nicole giving advice to the next girlfriend of her ex-boyfriend. Her advice is ‘run’, although I’d like to add in ‘Don’t bellow the word Run over and over again all the time three inches from his face when he’s trying to liveblog televised talent shows, because it’s incredibly distracting’.
This song seems to suggest that Nicole isn’t very happy with a boy. Part of that reason, if I heard her correctly, is that he ‘poos you back in’. This is not the time to discuss your weird fetishes, Nicole. Band Aid is on in a minute. Show some respect.
Ah, she’s singing. Sort of. This isn’t so much of a song as a woman complaining about her life while a cat walks across a piano in the background. Still, at least she’s trapped in a sort of crystal ball thing, so at least she can’t run out into the audience and bellow the word ‘balls’ over and over again like she thinks she invented it, which she used to.
And now, the return of former X Factor judge turned professional yoghurt spokeswoman Nicole Scherzinger. I don’t know whether she’s going to sing or just spend three minutes espousing the values of Greek-style corner desserts, so that’s exciting.
And that’s the end of the recap. Brisk. I like that.
NO WAIT, THERE’S THE AUCTIONEER! He was hiding in the shadows, but he was definitely there. HIYA AUCTIONEER!
Also, Louis Walsh is doing all of the backstage reactions, even for acts who aren’t his. I’d like to think that all the other judges gave him wedgies until he relented and promised to do them all.
Also we learn that Cheryl’s East End gangster turned auctioneer has disappeared. Poor man. His time in the limelight was fleeting. I hope he’s got a Facebook page.
Now for the (hopefully less) Interminable Recap, where we learn that Andrea doesn’t like being criticised.
The whole thing’s descended into a hideous kind of conga line. Lauren’s at the front. She might be crying. She’s certainly make the noise of a crying person. Now for Andrea’s solo. Unfortunately it’s not the spoken-word interlude, though. It’s the bit where Taylor Swift goes “AWWWWWUUUUURRRRRRGH SHAAAAAAAAAAAYGH AWUUUUOOOOOOOO” over and over again. Which I’m not even sure was in the original, to be honest.
If I said that they’re doing Shake It Off, I apologise. I’ve just heard them do the chorus and it appears that they’re actually doing Shake It Okk.
Worse, they’re doing Shake It Off. Please, please let Andrea do the spoken-word interlude.
Oh. Nope. We’re still getting a group song. This is a mess of priorities, X Factor. A MESS.
But now, for the billionth time of my sodding life, let’s meet the judges:
LOUIS! Wearing something that looks a little like velour
MELB! Wearing a bowtie
CHERYL! Wearing her hair up all nice
SIMON! Wearing about three acres of manky chest hair rash.
Here’s Dermot. Backhand punch tonight. He’s mixing it up. Like a mad scientist of punch-mimes.
Wow, we’re not even getting a ‘LARST NIYT’ recap because tonight’s show is so packed. They could probably have just shaved about 15 minutes off the recap to accommodate all the new features, but who am I to go around suggesting things willy-nilly?
IT’S TIME! TO BE FIPPANT! ABOUT EBOLA!
SUNDAY!
Well hello again. Thanks for coming back for the Great X Factor Liveblog One-Hour Sunday Night Results Show Segment Extravaganza! If you can think of a snappier title for this bit, by the way, do let me know because I’m already exhausted from typing that out.
Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that I had a word with myself earlier today, and as a result there’ll be none of that awful chummy enthusiasm that clogged up last night’s liveblog. How could there be, when tonight’s guest performers are Olly Murs and Nicole Scherzinger? That’s just X Factor running out of ideas and eating its own tail. At this rate, next week’s performances are going to be by Kate Thornton and the Conway Sisters. In fact, I want next week’s performances to be by Kate Thornton and the Conway Sisters.
All that PLUS there’s the world premiere of the new Band Aid song so, if you like watching professional livebloggers wrestle helplessly with the commentary for a well-intentioned song that’s almost definitely going to be terrible, stick around.
Got all that? Good. The show starts at eight. Hey, if there are three guest songs, maybe there won’t be a group performance this week. That would be amazing! Ugh, sorry, enthusiasm. Won’t happen again.
See you in half an hour.
Updated
Anyway, that’s it! That’s the end of Big Band Night! We made it! Thanks for all your comments, everyone, you’re all very good and stuff
Now, do join me back here tomorrow night at 8pm, because Olly Murs will be performing! Olly Murs! Olly Murs! Olly Murs! I’m on Twitter at @StuHeritage, but you already knew that because it’s all I ever go on about anyway. Olly Murs! Crap me a sausage, Olly Murs!
And that’s the last performance done. I don’t understand why I’ve been in such a good mood tonight. I’m sorry. It’s been weird, hasn’t it?
Simon says that Fleur could win X Factor. And she could. She won’t, but she could.
I’m going to temper my uncharacteristic enthusiasm by saying that it’s the band that’s exceptional during this performance. Fleur is quite good, but the band is amazing. All in all eight out of ten.
And it’s better than Jessie J’s version. That said, the audio track at the end of Grizzly Man is better than Jessie J’s version.
Fleur’s singing a big band version of Bang Bang, which she sang at Judges’ House. It’s sort of impressive, even though she’s singing a completely different song to the one that the band is playing.
In the VT, Fleur goes to a premiere. Last time I went to a premiere, I heard a photographer say to a colleague “Nah, don’t bother, he’s not famous”. What I’m basically saying is that I know how Fleur feels.
Finally it’s Fleur East, ready to not be quite as good as everyone expects, but very slightly better than most of the other contestants. At this rate, fourth place is going to be hers for the taking.
Yes, I’m still trying to make ‘I donkey’ a thing. Deal with it.
There are adverts on now. But, to quote Cheryl, I donkey. I’m still cut up about the one-two emotional punch of no sausages and the Wagner ripoff.
If Stevi sings Ghostbusters like Jedward next week, I’m going to drink bleach.
NEVER FORGET
You’re still She-Bangsing in our hearts, Wagner
This is the week, it seems, that the judges all turn on Stevi for not being a very good singer. Even Simon said he was horrible. And Stevi takes it all with a smile. This is pretty much the origin story of the murder-clown from this series of American Horror Story. I fear for all of us.
It finished, and Stevi remains unpunched. Ah well. Worth a shot.
Wait. Now Stevi’s doing She Bangs. Just like Wagner. This feels like X Factor is trying to remove Wagner from lore in a desperate Stalinist revision.
If I were Wagner, I’d stand up right now and start running for the studio. Run Wagner. Run as fast as you can. Run fast enough to barrel past security and punch Stevi out during his final note. It’s what he deserves for ripping you off.
Mambo Number 5. Stevi’s doing Mambo Number 5, and he’s changed the lyrics to be about the X Factor judges. Of course he is. We built this prison for ourselves, you know.
This week in the VT, Stevi introduces home video footage of himself performing in community halls. Also, STEVI IS THE SAME AGE AS ME. I don’t know if I’m more embarrassed for me or him. Me, probably.
And now for Stevi Ritchie. I’m genuinely not sure if I’m mentally or physically prepared for the next five minutes, especially given the night I’m having. Someone come and hold me.
(I quite liked that too. I have no idea what’s going wrong with me. Olly Murs is singing tomorrow. If I’m in a good mood for that I’m going to start punching myself in the eye)
Things Zack Morris does in this performance:
1) Pull an unnecessarily goofy face.
2) Growl like a little dog in the middle of a line.
3) Fail to properly commit to a dance routine.
4) Commit slightly more to a dance routine, while pulling a face like an inflatable sex doll.
5) Yells ‘Come on!’ at the audience when it finishes, as if he assumes that he deserves attention simply for singing a quarter of a song about a jealous monkey.
Only The Young are performing that world famous big band classic I Wanna Be Like You from The Jungle Book. It’s probably not as much of a world famous big band classic as Let It Go from Frozen, but it’ll do.
In the VT, one of Only The Young made a bad joke and Zack Morris went “WUUUARGH” at her. He hates being here, doesn’t he? He hates it so much.
Time for Only The Young, by which I mean The Zack Morris-Looking Paul Catermole One From Only The Young and his three luckless companions. What face is Zack Morris going to pull today? My guess - a face like he’s trying to contain his delight at the sight of a toddler being stung by a wasp.
Big round of applause for BrokenBiros down in the comments, who pointed out that Stereo Kicks looked like the Bullingdon Club. This is something I will never be able to unsee.
If there’s an advert for sausages now, I am going to KICK OFF.
I’m not sure what’s going on with Simon this week. He’s gurgling like a toddler. I miss the Simon Cowell who hated the world.
But still, crap me a sausage. HEY NOW!
(In other news, that was pretty good. I’d quite like Hank to win X Factor)
Well, FINE. I’m singing it as Crap Me A Sausage. There, that told YOU.
Hank looks furious during this performance. Either he’s channelling the spirit of the song, or he knows how heartbroken I am about the lack of sausages in his VT. It’s probably the first one, because if he really cared he’d have changed the words to Crap Me A Sausage.
Hank’s singing Cry Me A River. Yeah, that’s right Hank, cry me a river OF SAUSAGES. Cry SAUSAGES out of your EYES, Hank. I DARE you.
Hank’s taking his mum to a film premiere. What a waste. He should take a PILE OF SAUSAGES to the film premiere. A PILE OF SAUSAGES.
Time for Hank Hey Now Big Package Sausage Widow Kingsley. I don’t care about Hank any more. He ignored the sausages last week. He ignored them at his peril.
Oh, Hank, you’re Skyping your mum. BIG WOW, HANK. BIG WOW.
Simon Cowell liked the performance. That said, he only liked it on the basis that he knows some of their names. That’s it. That’s literally what it takes to qualify as a good performance these days. Boy, I’m old.
So far, they haven’t messed it up. But then again, they only had to memorise an eighth of a two-minute song each. That’s, what, 15 seconds each? Quick, someone give them a medal.
So far, Stereo Kick are sitting on a big pyramid plinth, and doing terrible exaggerated finger-snaps that make them look as they’re trying to flick unusually sticky bogies from their hands.
Ah, they just mentioned it at the end. Whatever they were going to do, they’re doing Mack The Knife now. Let’s over-scrutinise them for mistakes, shall we?
Not that they’re mentioning this in the VT, though. They’re all ‘I got within 300ft of Jennifer Lawrence once!’ and ‘Go-karting’s fun isn’t it?’.
We’re back (again). Erect Kiosks are up now, and god knows what they’re going to sing tonight. Whatever they’d decided to perform earlier in the week was deemed problematic, so they’re going to his us with a surprise. My guess? Tequila by The Champs because it’s only got one word in it so there’s only like a 75% chance that they’ll bugger it up.
I'VE FORGOTTEN TO DO ANY KEY EVENTS FOR A WHILE
So here’s one. Hope this helps.
There’s another Christmas advert on now. This one’s full of sad-looking people too. You know what’d be nice? A Christmas advert with a bloke dressed up as Santa going “Ho Ho Ho-ray for Superdrug”. Maybe even a bit of tinsel. You know, something nice.
Jay James is thanking everyone who voted for him last week. He could have just told his mum when she came over in the week and saved a lot of trouble.
Just checked Twitter. It’s literally nothing but people using the word ‘nipslip’. Ah well. Anyway, that was an unremittingly bad performance and I’m pleased it’s finished.
There’s a burlesque dancer in the background, and there’s a chance her nipple just popped out. I wasn’t watching it at the time, because I was trying to think of interesting ways to say that Jay James wasn’t very good.
Ah, he’s singing Skype York, Skype York. He’s singing it in his grandpa’s suit, which would be sweet if he didn’t start the song by tearing it off and flinging it at a dancer.
Also, halfway through the song, everyone went ‘HAPPY NEW YEAR’, which was definitely a taunt because he knows in the new year I won’t have to liveblog X Factor any more.
This week, Jay’s mum came to visit him and Jay silently boiled with resentment because he really prefers it when people Skype him. Real personal interaction creeps him out.
The Skypetember of my Years? Skype Work If You Can Get It? In The Skype Skype Hours of the Skypening? See? Millions.
Jay James now. What’s he going to sing? Come Skype With Me? Skype be a Lady Tonight? Mack The Skype? Skype Me A River? Skypey Weather? I’ve got a million of these.
It’s OK, we’re back. And Dermot’s in the audience! With a woman who is either Fleur’s twin sister or the world’s most terrifying stalker. HOORAY FOR DERMOT!
Now for Matalan’s Christmas advert. It’s just a load of people wearing scarves. YOU HEAR THAT, SAINSBURY’S? YOU CAN ACTUALLY MAKE CHRISTMAS ADVERTS WHERE NOBODY WEEPS AT THE SHEER FUTILITY OF LIFE ON EARTH. Please bear that in mind for next year.
Melb and Cheryl are both calling Simon ‘Debbie Downer’. I wonder which Saturday Night Live sketch they’re going to reference next. I hope it’s the one about the fat man who lives in his car.
That was such a boring performance that the studio audience isn’t even clapping the judges when they say nice things about her. And this is the X Factor studio audience, for crying out loud. A contestant could fall to the floor and start crying and pooing and puking in front of them and they’d whoop solidly for an hour.
TL:DR Lauren might be in trouble.
Well, that just happened.
This is good, but I can’t shake the sensation that this is exactly what you hear when a Dignitas clinic puts you on hold.
She is singing it on a sort of gigantic sofa-hammock, though. That’s quite cool. I hope sofa-hammocks are the new plinths.
Lauren’s singing Smile by Nat King Cole. Because, I guess, she smiles sometimes? See? I’ve completely run out of things to say about her.
On the VT, Lauren talks to Fleur. I think this is what’s going to happen on all the VTs tonight. Everyone’s going to talk to Fleur. Except for Jay James, obviously. He’s going to Skype her from the next room.
Anyway, now for Lauren Platt. I’ve run out of things to say about Lauren, because there are only so many synonyms for ‘competent’ in the English language. Sorry about that.
If you enjoyed this World War One-themed Sainsbury’s commercial, wait until next year when Chicken Tonight debuts an advert about the ebola outbreak.
Before this began, the narrator said that ITV was ‘proud to present’ the advert. I wish they’d do this with other adverts. ‘ITV is slightly embarrassed by this Wonga presentation, but they’re paying us and we clearly need the dough’. That sort of thing.
And now an ad break. This time, it’s the Sainsbury’s Christmas ad. If I remember correctly, this advert goes on for longer than Interstellar did. Wiggle your toes during it, or you’ll get DVT.
Simon Cowell just backed up my thoughts about Andrea’s funny face. I think Simon Cowell is reading this liveblog under his desk. Simon, if you’re reading this, pull on your ear. It’ll just be between the two of us.
So far, I’m quite enjoying this Big Band Night. It’s been going for 11 minutes. This is a record, by a factor of about eight minutes.
That said, he still can’t sing a song that contains an ‘ur’ sound without pulling a face like a woman on a hen night vomiting up Bacardi Breezers behind a policecar outside a Wetherspoons. He should probably work on that. This sole criticism aside, that might have been my favourite of Andrea’s performances.
Ah, he hasn’t. But you know what? This is actually rather good. The song’s forced Andrea to learn the meaning of the word ‘restraint’, and he’s much more bearable as a consequence.
Andrea’s singing Summertime. I hope he changes the lyrics to “Summertime, and my beard’s getting itchy / I sang at a wasp, and watched it explode”.
In the VT, Fleur teaches Andrea to speak like all the annoying people on Twitter. Then he does an impression of the queen and talks a lot about toilets. I think I might have eaten some bad meat earlier today. That’s the only logical explanation for this paragraph.
First to sing tonight is Andrea Faustini, ready to show the world what his back teeth look like again. Jesus Andrea, just buy a mirror or something.
I’ve been meaning to mention this for weeks, but I’ve got a bit obsessed with the footage that plays behind the judges as they enter the stage. It’s all ridiculous – Simon in a helicopter, Melb exiting a helicopter, Cheryl in a racecar – but the thing I find most terrifying? The sight of Louis Walsh driving a car. Christ, imagine.
So now let’s meet the judges:
LOUIS! Two buttons undone
MELB! No buttons undone
CHERYL! Fully zipped up
SIMON! Literally doesn’t even know what a button is
Here’s my new Twitter BFF Dermot O’Leary doing a lovely dance in what is admittedly a ridiculously pretty set. He’s great, isn’t he? OH NO, HIS PLAN’S WORKING!
TONIGHT! X Factor literally has to explain what a big band is, because nobody who’s willingly watching this is under the age of 14.
LAST WEEK! Louis Walsh takes the sing-off to deadlock, because when he was a baby a witch told him that snakes would pour out of his mouth if he ever made a decision, and he believed her.
IT’S A CRIME! TO FACE! THIS ‘MUSIC’!
Quick disclaimer number two: I’ve been promised that there will be Ben Haenow sausage calligraphy tonight. But I’ve said that before, haven’t I? I’m a fool for believing, I really am.
Quick disclaimer number one: if tonight’s liveblog goes a bit weird, it’s probably because Dermot O’Leary was nice to me on Twitter this morning. I’ve convinced myself that this was a deliberate ploy to throw me off my game. Sorry in advance.
Before the show starts (if you haven’t already), you should probably try and read Tom Lamont’s brilliant interview with One Direction from today. On an unrelated note, don’t forget to petition The Guardian so that I can write a similar piece about 2005’s eighth-place finalist Maria Lawson.
Start spreading the news! I’d like to leave today, but instead I’m contractually obliged to write the X Factor liveblog for Big Band Week! Never mind.
Yes, that’s right! In its latest step to alienate everyone who might feasibly purchase anything recorded by its ultimate winner, X Factor has brought back Big Band Week! It’s perfect for everyone – young people will neither recognise or enjoy any of tonight’s offerings, and old people will be devastated that the songs they’ve come to associate with a time of innocence and virility have been massacred by a woman with a Sideshow Bob haircut and/or Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell. Tonight, we can all feel equally nonplussed as each other. X Factor has brought us together, and for this we are grateful.
Tragically, the only singer who’d be able to do any of these songs justice was Paul Akister, and he’s gone now. But, hey, I’m sure Stereo Kicks will be able to pull off a Frank Sinatra classic without looking like a belligerent swarm of atonal dimwits, right? Right? Anyone?
Oh, look, fine. This is probably going to be awful. But at least it’s comparatively short, so that’s something. Let’s all band together – me up here, you down in the comments – and I’m sure we can make a decent fist of fending it off. Deal? Good. The show starts at 8:15. God help us all.
