And that’s it. Somehow – although god knows how – X Factor will have to stumble on without Stevi. I don’t know how any of us will cope.
Anyway, thanks for hanging out with me this weekend. I think it’s clear that I needed all the help I could get. If you fancy following me on Twitter, I’m @StuHeritage. OK! We made it! The end’s in sight! We can do this! ONLY THE YOUNG!
And yet, in Stevi’s final moments, all I can notice is that he hasn’t done his shirt up properly. What a legacy.
But also, Stevi’s gone. This liveblog has absolutely no power whatsoever. I don’t know about you, but I’m quite relieved.
Still, I think the real news is that Louis Walsh actually made a decision. This is the first time ever. He’s going to make more and more now. We’ve created a dictator. What have we DONE?
Wait. WAIT. Louis Walsh has actually MADE A DECISION. I don’t understand. He sends Stevi home, so Stevi goes home.
Simon sends Stevi home. It’s all down to Louis. This never works out well.
Now Simon. This is going to be interesting.
Cheryl next. Andrea’s gone completely dead behind the eyes. He’s a bit scary like this. Cheryl sends Andrea through, obviously.
Melb first. She puts Andrea through, obviously.
Right. DEADLOCK TIME (I assume).
That was... that was preposterous. No, YOU’VE got something in your eye.
This is so weird. It’s not very good, but it’s as stirring as hell. You know, if I was a judge, I’d probably put Stevi through to next week.
WOAH. Stevi’s gone FULL-ON MUSICAL THEATRE. He’s angling for his next job, I think. The next job he wants, obviously. The next job he’s actually going to get is Celebrity Big Brother.
Well, I mean that’s a given. Everything he does is the worst.
OK Stevi, do your worst.
This is very Andrea. And I think that might be the problem. He can only really sing one way. It’s a very good way, but we’ve had seven weeks of it now. It’s crazy that he’s in the bottom two, though.
Either way, he’s giving this all he’s got. By which I mean he’s screwing his face up like an old lady swallowing buckets of mustard, and yelling like he’s trapped in a housefire.
Andrea’s up first. He’s singing that song with the title I can never remember. You’d Better Stop? I don’t know.
Andrea isn’t happy, even though he’d automatically go through simply by lying on the floor and silently wetting himself sing-off.
Well I never. I honestly thought she would be the weak link.
Lauren, Andrea and Stevi. The last act safely through to next week is... LAUREN.
OK. No more embeds. It’s time to see if Stevi can miraculously survive another week.
Like me, I’m sure you’ll go to sleep with these Vines on a loop, to better help you transition into a beautiful dreamstate where he never stops yelling stuff on the telly. Oh, hey, have a bonus video.
And now, my favourite of all-time. A one-two punch of ONLY THE YOUNG that makes my heart explode with joy. Goodbye shouty ONLY THE YOUNG audience member, sweet prince of my heart:
Anyway, more importantly, have another ONLY THE YOUNG Vine:
Dermot asked Howard if the group was working as three-piece. Howard responded by making a noise like air slowly being let out of a novelty balloon.
And it’s over. GARY BARLOW BEARD UPDATE: scummy and a bit mossy-looking.
This is like watching three elderly lift attendants jigging for tips.
This song, by the way, sounds like something that was specifically written for an X Factor group song, which obviously isn’t meant as a compliment. What I’d give to have Robbie Williams turn up all boggly-eyed and fall face-first into the front row right now.
Lord. They’re dancing. Specifically Gary Barlow is dancing. This song is just making me glad that Gary Barlow isn’t an X Factor judge any more. Although, having said that, I wish I could see him fill his pants about Stevi every week.
They’re singing their new single These Days. Remember back in the glory days of 2010 when Take That would turn up every week and sing The Flood, regardless of whether or not they’d been asked? I miss that.
But now, a performance by Take That’s Guilty Remnant. Poor Take That, it’s always the one who everyone fancies that leaves. Poor Gary Barlow, destined to never leave Take That.
Time for Dermot to goad the judges into making the judges say the name of their own acts again. Oh wait, no, he’s making them all say ‘Ooh, this series is close’. Which is much less fun.
We’re back again. And here’s Gandalf again, calling us ‘X Factor Nation’ again. Imagine if X Factor really was a national. We’d all be dead by negligence in about a fortnight.
Fine, have another one. More next ad break:
Updated
Oh man. I love ONLY THE YOUNG man. I love him so much that I spent this morning making Vines of his greatest hits because I never thought I’d hear him again. I don’t need to use them now, but it seems like shame not to waste them. Here’s one:
HE SAID IT. I’m so happy. Anyway - Lauren, Andrea and Stevi are in the bottom three. There is no feasible way that Stevi isn’t going home tonight, unless the audience voted for him a lot.
Say ONLY THE YOUNG again. Say it. SAY IT.
And Ben.
Fleur’s through, by the way.
SAY IT AGAIN.
Also Stereo Kicks are through. But the main thing is ONLY THE YOUNG MAN IS BACK! HE LOVES US!
ONLY THE YOUNG MAN IS BACK!
Right then. The first act through to next week is WAIT! WAIT!
Anyway, time to almost but not quite eliminate one of these contestants. ONLY THE YOUNG!
We’re back! Oh! Next week we actually get to choose what the X Factor contestants sing. Let’s all pick Elton John songs!
There are more adverts now. You’ve seen all these adverts before. It’s the remake of Her that’s all about riding a motorbike to Margate. The Carphone Warehouse one that only succeeds in making you want to torch the nearest branch of Carphone Warehouse. Others.
And now an advert for Olly Murs and his new album Never Been Better. Incidentally, ‘Never Been Better’ is how Olly Murs describes himself whenever Simon Cowell approaches him with a blanket and a shotgun.
It’s finished. Dermot’s asked Labrinth what the finalists should do. He basically says ‘Enjoy yourself while you can, because none of you are actually ever going to sell any songs’. And with that, Labrinth was redeemed.
You know what I’m jealous of? The deaf.
I think this guy might be called Labrinth because it takes forever for him to get out of a song once he’s started one.
Is this how X Factor works now? All the first performances on the Sunday show have to be wrist-slittingly depressing? Remember Nicole Scherzinger’s song from last week? Remember how miserable that was? It was like Agadoo compared to this.
Labrinth’s singing a song called Jealous, where he lists all the things that he’s jealous of because they’ve touched a girl he likes and he hasn’t. Presumably he called the song Jealous because a song called My Goodness I Must Singularly Be The Creepiest Man Who Ever Walked The Earth wouldn’t do very well in the charts.
Was that a technical snafu? There was a loud burst of feedback, and then all the lights went out. To be fair, though, that might just be how the song goes. I’m old, see? I don’t know what the kids like.
Now for tonight’s guest performance by Labrinth, my second-favourite singer almost named after an overrated fantasy film, after the acclaimed songwriter-producer Harry Potter And The Cucumber Of Secrets.
There. That was comprehensive.
STEREO KICKS! NO BODYGUARD.
STEVI: BODYGUARD! Big, bald, perpetually concerned-looking bodyguard. The bodyguards’ bodyguard, if you will.
FLEUR: NO BODYGUARD.
ANDREA: BODYGUARD! A slim ninja of a bodyguard, but it still counts.
BEN: NO BODYGUARD.
LAUREN: BODYGUARD! Looking incredibly suspicious of the camera, as if he doesn’t realise that he works on a television show.
Right. Interminable recap time. I’m going to spend this entire segment looking out for the bodyguards, because that’s the only way I can derive any joy from this joke of a life.
Although I can’t help sensing that the line ‘Saturday night’s alright’ is specifically designed to damn last night’s horrible show with the faintest possible praise. If that’s the case, I’m fully onboard with it.
Guys, though, seriously. It’s Sunday. SUNDAY.
The group songs are basically just Stereo Kicks featuring About Three Other People at the moment. It’s hugely unbalanced. Let’s get rid of Stereo Kicks, shall we?
GROUP SONG! It’s Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting.
It is SUNDAY.
It’s like the judges have split into factions - the ones that know how shirts work, and the ones that don’t. I think I’m on Team Buttons.
It’s time to meet the judges again!
LOUIS! Tugging on Melb’s hand like a concerned parent.
MELB! Standing far apart from Simon.
CHERYL! No buttons done up.
SIMON! See above.
Here’s Dermot, with the gingerest cowpunch I’ve ever seen. Boy was that tentative.
TONIGHT! I realise that I still don’t know who Labrinth is, and also I remember that Robbie and Jason were my favourite members of Take That. AND NOTHING ELSE.
Righto. Let’s get going.
Oh, I forgot to mention. There will also be a two-minute silence at approximately 8:45pm, in commemoration of the incredibly loud ONLY THE YOUNG audience member. Shouting man: we never knew your name, but we came to love you like a brother. You will be missed.
In the meantime, I’m watching that Keep It In The Family gameshow on ITV. Hand on heart, I don’t think there’s a gameshow host around who can touch Bradley Walsh at the moment. I think I might actually be a little bit in love with him.
THE SUNDAY NIGHT RESULTS SHOW BIT
Welcome back, one and all, to the X Factor liveblog results show hootenanny. You know what? Time has passed since last night, and I think it’s only proper to confess that I’m not entirely proud of some the events that took place here yesterday.
Should I have laid into last night’s X Factor theme as much as I did? No. X Factor is family entertainment, and it should cater to as many generations as possible. Even the really old ones who voted for Sam Bailey last year and don’t like music.
Should I have got so excited about a single close-up shot of a sausage during Ben Haenow’s VT? I don’t know. It might have been a direct message to readers of this liveblog, but then again it might have just been a close-up of a sausage. I’m willing to wait and see if sausages get mentioned again next week before reaching my final decision.
Should I have coerced all the readers of this liveblog to repeatedly vote for Stevi Ritchie? God, no. Those were the actions of a power-crazed madman, and I fear that we killed Only The Young as a direct consequence. Now I am become death, the destroyer of Zack Morris. The guilt will live with me forever.
Right, now that’s all cleared up, we have a hell of a show to look forward to tonight. There’s going to be an elimination. There’s going to be a performance by Labrinth. And, best of all, there’s going to be a performance by Gary Barlow and the two members of Take That who Gary Barlow finds it most easy to emotionally manipulate. It’s a new day. It’s a brighter day. The show starts at 8pm. Join me, won’t you?
Well, that’s it. The worst X Factor theme night since the very dawn of the universe itself has reached its horrible conclusion. Thanks for coming with me. I couldn’t have possibly done it alone.
Now, let’s all come back here tomorrow night at 8pm for the X Factor results show. I heard that Take That are performing. I hope they do The Flood! I’m on Twitter at @StuHeritage and, since I’m almost completely certain that nobody at The Guardian actually reads this, I’m going to try and get away with linking to my new podcast series as well. Hope I don’t get sacked! Bye!
I’m genuinely quite sad about this. Tonight’s been a bloody rollercoaster, I tell you.
AOHNLEE VAYUNNN.
And Zack Morris? What’s he going to do now? Muck around sarcastically in his own home? That’s a terrible state of affairs.
I blame you for this, you know. Voting for Stevi when you should have been voting for Only The Young. What were you THINKING?
This is what happens when I say I like something. Every time. Destroyed.
And the one going home is... ONLY THE YOUNG.
Fleur, Stevi and Only The Young left.
And STEREO KICKS.
Also, ANDREA’s through.
A little girl just shouted ‘ONLY THE YOUNG’. But it wasn’t the same. Not really.
BEN’s through too, to sausage another sausage.
In other news, the ONLY THE YOUNG man doesn’t appear to be in the audience tonight. I for one am heartbroken.
So. The first act through to tomorrow is: LAUREN
Oh, they do kick someone off, but only after stringing it out for as long as they can. Who saw THAT coming?
We’re back. I have no idea what happens now. Do they just kick someone off?
I’ve basically just positioned myself to be annoyed whether Stevi goes through tonight or not. I couldn’t be happier about this.
I’ve just had a horrible, horrible thought. Is it next week that X Factor starts making everyone sing two songs each? Right, I’ve changed my mind. I definitely don’t want Stevi to go through to next week.
David Guetta looks like a female 14-year-old French exchange student.
It must be so brilliant to be David Guetta. All you need to do is dress up like a terrible unironic Keith Lemon lookalike, walk onstage in a pair of rubbish headphones and just clap at people. I think that’s a cushy job, and all I do is embed tweets for a living.
Maybe he is. Maybe this is all a weird Hollywood-style bodyswap comedy where an old witch took David Guetta’s soul and hilariously transplanted into a pia... oh no wait there he is.
Technically this is David Guetta featuring Emeli Sande, but so far this is just Emelie Sande and a piano. Is David Guetta a piano?
Right, we’re back. Votes have been frozen. And this means it’s time to dig out all those unfunny ‘Emelie Sande is ubiquitous’ jokes from 2012. Because HERE’S EMELI SANDE!
OK STOP NOW THIS WAS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE
Literally just downloaded the X factor app just to vote for Stevi 5 times. I will never regret this! @stuheritage
— Lois Amy Brown (@LozzAmyBee) November 22, 2014
Imagine if Stevi escaped elimination by 30 votes. I’m starting to regret this whole idea now, to be honest.
@stuheritage Downloaded app, voted 5 times for Stevi, deleted app, let's never speak of this again. #votestevi
— Padraig Stapleton (@padrageous) November 22, 2014
Hey, who knew that just embedding a load of tweets was so easy? I should do this every week
thanks to the X factor app and @stuheritage, @liz_pacey and I have used our free 5 votes sensibly #votestevirichie
— Becks (@beckyreed94) November 22, 2014
I’m going crazy with power here
Downloading the X Factor app to vote for Stevi as per request by @stuheritage
— Maisie Jane Miller (@mayzeejayne) November 22, 2014
I completely forgot. Saturday eliminations mean twice as many interminable recaps. I dislike interminable recaps. Especially when, as this one has, it’s reminded me that Only The Young were responsible for my favourite performance of the night.
IT’S WORKING
Just downloaded the #xfactor app used all 5 votes for @THESTEVIRITCHIE as recommended by @stuheritage #guardian #loveit !!
— Kathryn Day (@k155kat) November 22, 2014
The worst thing about Stereo Kicks, the thing that really boils my wee about them, is that every two or three weeks I’ll see them and think “Oh, I’ve got that jumper”. Can you imagine how that feels? Can you?
All the judges seemed to enjoy that. The judges are weird. I want to eat a sausage.
This is dull. This is beyond dull. This is like being pinned down and trapped in a Clockwork Orange thought-laboratory forever, but one where they show you looped footage of soft furnishing and envelopes. Still, though, there’s a nice plinth. THAT’S RIGHT I’M TALKING ABOUT PLINTHS AGAIN. That’s how boring this performance is.
Erect Kiosks are performing Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me. In case any of you literally die of boredom in the next three minutes, as I assume you will, it was lovely knowing you.
Hope that helps.
This week, Erect Kiosks went out of their way to make sure that people know them all individually. They’ve done this by ripping off The Spice Girls. There’s Baby Kick, Northern Kick, Flirty Kick, Indistinguishable Kick, Anonymous Kick, Another Kick and Another Anonymous Kick.
Anyway, last up tonight is Erect Kiosks. You’ll remember that last week Erect Kiosks blazed through the results without a hitch. This definitely means that they’ll be in the sing-off tomorrow. Definitely.
God, imagine if Stevi’s still here next week. They’ll legitimately just line people up to kick him in the nuts while he sings.
Right, that’s it. I’m downloading the X Factor app. And I’m giving all five votes to Stevi. You should do the same.
All the judges are trying to be nice to Stevi, which of course is their way of killing off his chances. It hurts how much they want him out of the competition. This is sort of painful to watch.
Well, I mean, this is just weird. The dancers just poured honey or something over him for no real reason, and now he’s doing roly-polies on the floor. And now he’s covered in feathers. X Factor literally just tarred and feathered Stevi. That wasn’t a performance, it was bullying.
Inevitably, he’s singing I’m Still Standing. Next week he’ll sing Stay by Shakespeare’s Sister. The week after that he’ll sing We Shall Not Be Moved. He’s trying to make a point, but I’m not sure what it is.
Stevi’s dressed as an ancient Egyptian prince. Because of course he is.
This week, like all other weeks, Stevi reacted to not being eliminated by saying “I’m so sad that I’m still here ahead of better singers, BUT I’M STILL HERE AND I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOULS”.
You know who’s up next? Legitimate folk hero, giantkiller and future X Factor winner Stevi Ritchie, that’s who.
TRESEMME! This week, FOR ONCE, they’re going for a straight and smooth look. I was wondering when they’d finally get around to that look.
There are more ads now. Hey, look, Ed Sheeran’s in one, walking through a pub with his guitar. It’s just like that Diet Coke advert that Duffy did. If I remember correctly, that advert killed her career. Fingers crossed, eh?
If getting families onstage is really going to be a thing from this point onwards, can we start a Change.org petition so that Stevi gets to sing Endless Love with his dad next week? Thanks.
Fleur’s been joined onstage by two members of her family. This is just a hunch but, on the basis of that performance, I’d guess that one member of her family (her sister?) would happily slit Fleur’s throat in her sleep if it meant she got even a fraction of a second of attention.
This might be quite good, or it might just remind me of being drunk at roller-disco karaoke. Given that I’ve never been to a roller-disco karaoke, I think it might actually be quite good. Heavens!
Oh, she’s not doing Rocket Man. She’s doing I’m Every Woman. Because she is every woman (from Addictiv Ladies who hasn’t been whitewashed from X Factor history in a brutal revisionist sweep).
This week, Fleur Skyped everyone she knows. Except Jay James, because he lives in a cave now. A cave of hatred.
Fleur East up now. It’s going to be difficult to put a rap in the middle of Rocket Man, but I believe in her. I believe in you, Fleur!
We’re back. And Dermot’s talking to Stevi’s dad. So, in case anyone wanted to know, it is hereditary.
Also, is it me, or is Dermot O’Leary literally narrating every single advert this evening? This is like living inside a horrific Dermot-based Being John Malkovich nightmareland.
Oh, here’s an advert for Candy Crush, where various giant candies literally drown everyone in New York. Bit weird.
By my reckoning, we only have three acts tonight. And X Factor is on for another HOUR. Either they’re really going to string out the silence before Dermot announces who’s going, or Stevi’s going to hit us with a 45-minute voyage of jazz-funk fusion. I really, really want it to be the latter.
Melb’s almost in tears. “You do something to people when you sing” she says. Yes, that something is a) shout and b) pull a load of silly poo-faces.
In a terrifying bid to literally be on television forever, Andrea just attempted to string out the final note for several minutes after the song ended. Nice try, Andrea, but the X Factor producers have got close-ups of sausages to beam directly into my mind.
THEY CUT AWAY. They actually cut away right at the key poo-face moment. Maybe the producers knew we couldn’t take the sight of a man contorting his face like the runner-up of a regional egg-eating competition.
I’ve already counted two poo-faces, and he hasn’t even got to the loud bit yet.
Oh god, he is singing a Whitney song. And it’s I Have Nothing. Christ, brace yourself for an onslaught of poo-faces, everyone.
This week Andrea went to the National Stereotype Convention, where he basically acted like a bloody Dolmio puppet while someone filmed him.
And now for Andrea Faustini’s weekly dentistry demonstration. God, I hope he’s not doing a Whitney Houston song this week. Not with all these unsecured vases around my house.
Simon’s critique of that performance was ‘I like you and that was good, but also you’re terrible and I hated it. In summary, you’ll probably be eliminated tonight, unless you’re not. Either way, I agree’. Attaboy, Simon!
This whole thing is like being trapped in a Build-A-Bear Workshop on a Saturday afternoon, after five tons of vaporised taurine was accidentally pumped through the air conditioning. In short, I can’t work out whether it was terrible or brilliant. Terrible, probably.
Let’s see what Zack Morris is doing. Oh, he’s standing on top of a bumper car. He’s such a rebel, that Zack Morris.
Only The Young are singing Something About The Way You Look Tonight. You know how I look tonight? BORED BLOODY SENSELESS, that’s how. However, they’re doing it in the style of Faith by George Michael, so at least you have to give them props for massacring two terrible songs at the same time.
This week Only The Young went to a toy shop, because they wanted to meet their young fans. But then all they did while they were there was just take a load of selfies of themselves. I blame Zack Morris for this.
We’re back! And it’s Only The Young now. Or, as that man in the audience every Sunday calls them, AOHNLEE VAYUNNN. I love that man. I hope we get a close-up of him tomorrow. I want to put his face on a pizza.
Ad break now. Including one where it’s revealed that Narnia was actually an out-of-town department store in Aldershot. Who knew?
Oh, in all the sausage excitement I almost forgot. HAENOW!
Also, Simon just said that nobody picks up their phones any more, JUST LIKE I DID LAST WEEK. This whole show is a special message aimed directly at me. I know it is. I know it is.
In other news, I think you might all be witnessing a fairly comprehensive nervous breakdown tonight.
The judges are all talking now, but forget that. Was that sausage close-up a coded message to me and readers of this liveblog? Was it? I think it probably was. Either that of I’m suffering from a nightmarish combination of Stockholm Syndrome and deluded egomania. No, it was a special secret message directly to me. That makes much more sense.
Thankfully, Hank isn’t doing a straight version of I Will Always Love You. Unfortunately, though, he’s doing a grotty Bryan Adams version of it instead.
You know what Hank will always love, though? Sausages.
Hank is… dear lord, he’s doing I Will Always Love You. Hank is. Not Lauren or Andrea or anyone you’d expect. Hank. Still, at least now we know how this song sounds when performed by an Aerosmith tribute band made of malfunctioning food processors.
It wasn’t sausage calligraphy, though. You’re fooling nobody, X Factor.
Time now for Hank Hey Now Big Package Sausage Widow Crap Me A Sausage Kingsley, ready to break my heart yet again with his tremendous lack of sausages.
WAIT! HANK’S EATING A SAUSAGE! THERE WAS A CLOSE-UP OF A SAUSAGE!
Still, the good thing about Lauren’s brother being onstage is that he totally just stood between Lauren and Dermot as Dermot tried to kiss her. He’s a total cockblock, that boy.
Someone just told Lauren how old she is. DRINK!
Don’t get me wrong, there isn’t a drinking game or anything. I just think tonight would go a lot better if we were all drunk.
OK, it’s not so much ‘dancing’ as ‘walking’ and ‘pointing’. Babysteps, eh? Also, Lauren’s little brother is a back-up dancer this week. ALSO, I think Lauren’s little brother is one of the Peaky Blinders.
This is a terrible version of an uninspired song. But it looks as if Lauren’s going to have a crack at dancing onstage, which is new.
Lauren’s singing How Will I Know, which as we all know is short for How Will I Know If He’s Passed Out From Boredom Oh Wait He Definitely Has. But, hey, at least she’s singing quite near a ladder. That’s something, right?
This week, Lauren sang Let It Go at the Albert Hall. Well, she sang it inside the Albert Hall. She might have sang the song at it too, although I don’t know what Lauren would want the Albert Hall to let go. There’s a chance that I’m overthinking this.
Right. Anyway. First up is Lauren Platt. Some people complained that her rendition of Smile last week was identical to the one Diana Vickers did a few years ago. Hopefully this week she’ll rip off Phillip Magee’s version of Jonny Be Good.
Did Dermot say that Emeli Sande was performing tonight? Oh GOD, my life is THE WORST.
But now, let’s meet the judges:
LOUIS! Still basically looking like a competition winner.
MELB! Dressed as Tanya off EastEnders: The Early Years.
CHERYL! Tonight accompanied by a version of herself from a decade ago.
SIMON! Looking like the world’s least enthusiastic dad.
Here’s Dermot. He didn’t do a dance, but he was accompanied onstage by two lovely ladies. Maybe he’s got weak legs. Maybe they cut up his food and helped him eat his dinner too. Huh, Dermot? Huh?
THIS WEEK! Another double elimination. Including someone tonight! I did not know this. I am inadequate at liveblog research.
LAST WEEKEND! People got ready to sing songs, then they sang songs, then NOBODY MENTIONED SAUSAGES, then I was OK with it. Then THE WHOLE NOT MENTIONING SAUSAGES THING continued and I died a little inside. Oh, and Jay went home, so it wasn’t all bad.
IT’S TIME! TO DEFACE! THE MUSIC!
IMPORTANT SAUSAGE UPDATE: Oh, who cares any more.
Seriously, X Factor, pick better themes. Or let me pick themes for you, because I’d do a much better job than whoever’s doing it now. And I’m old.
What about a Songs From The Charts This Week night? What about Songs From X Factor night? What about, if push really comes to shove, Ed Sheeran v Paloma Faith night? Yes, that last one sounds beyond hellish, but at least it’s not Sodding Elton Titting John Bloody Versus Flipping Whitney Arseing Houston night.
Obviously when I said ‘Nothing about this week’s X Factor theme makes me happy’, I had clearly ignored the possibility of seeing Stevi perform Crocodile Rock. That would make me happy. Only The Young performing Crocodile Rock, on the other hand, is pretty much self-harm o’clock.
Hello proud faithful, and welcome to this week’s X Factor liveblog. Just a quick FYI, I’m not in a very good mood tonight.
“But Stu,” you’re asking “Why aren’t you in a very good mood? Jay James, the man you inexplicably came to perceive as your all-time arch-nemesis, was eliminated last week. Surely this should be a time of huge celebration and wild abandon”.
Well, first of all, stop having thoughts that take so long to type out. And second, yes, Jay James has gone away to Skype in a better place. But have you seen the theme of today’s episode? Have you? It’s dreadful. It’s worse than Disco Night. It’s worse than Eighties Night. It’s even worse than Michael Jackson v Queen Night.
It’s Whitney Houston v Elton John Night.
That’s it. That is literally the worst X Factor theme in all of human history. Songs by two different artists who haven’t been in any way relevant for at least 20 years, performed by people who visibly couldn’t even give a fraction of a stuff about them. For an hour and a half. Nothing about this week’s X Factor theme makes me happy. Nothing.
But, hey, thanks for coming. The show starts at eight, so if relentlessly embittered whining is your thing, I suggest that you stick around. See you soon.
