NASTY LEEDS LEAD NASTY LEEDS FANS UP GARDEN PATH
It’s tough work being a football fan sometimes, having to deal with the constant misery and all those cruel disappointments. Manchester United, for example, have only won 14 major trophies in the last decade, and none in the last 30 months, so you can understand why some of their put-upon supporters finally snapped on Tuesday night and made their feelings known when their winning team failed to replicate the freewheeling stylings of João Saldanha’s Brazil. It was similarly easy to commiserate with those Chelsea supporters who last weekend left their stadium early when it became apparent that the Blues are not quite as good as they were six months ago, when they hoovered up their 15th trophy in 11 years. You wouldn’t treat mangy old curs in this way.
But as Chelsea prepare to re-establish themselves in Big Cup against a Dynamo Kyiv side they comprehensively bossed a couple of weeks ago, and United, top of their Big Cup group, fourth in the Premier League and quarter-finalists of the Milk Cup, wonder where it all went wrong, it might be worth remembering that some clubs have it even worse. Nasty Leeds United, fierce rivals to both, have been on the wrong end of Capitalism Shaft for the best part of two decades now, and for most of that time it has seemed there’s no way out. But last weekend, owner Massimo Cellino offered supporters a chink of light, suggesting he was willing to sell them his controlling interest. However, in a shocking, unexpected and wholly uncharacteristic move, it would appear Cellino has changed his mind and performed a 180-degree switcheroo.
Supporters group [Nasty] Leeds Fans Utd were due to meet Cellino’s men on Wednesday, in the hope of agreeing a period of exclusivity during which they could buy his majority stake for a profit-free £30m. But now Cellino, who has employed 37 managers in his 20 years at Cagliari and Elland Road, appears to have had a change of heart. “We’ve been informed by the lawyers of Cellino he no longer wishes to sell to [Nasty] Leeds fans,” NLFU said in a statement. “Our insistence on him confirming his verbal offer of exclusivity in a legally binding agreement has forced transparency on his motives. It is much better that we identify this insincerity now before we spend our shareholders’ money.” And so the hopes and dreams of the long-suffering support remain subject to the whims and fancies of a man who once decided Giovanni Trapattoni wasn’t good enough to employ as a manager. What they’d give right now for 15th place in the Premier League, or a £57.6m teenager having a bit of an off day.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Pathetic … Well done you lying piece of $hit. I went on to the pitch to hand out prizes. You should be ashamed of yourself” – Darren Anderton calmly takes to social media disgrace Twitter and responds to a hack who’d reported that the former Spurs player had been too knacked to take part in a half-time crossbar challenge during Tottenham’s game with Aston Villa on Monday.
FIVER LETTERS
“In response to the #MourinhoOut and #PardewOut campaign (yesterday’s Fiver letters), no club can feel more embarrassed about a desire to get rid of a manager than my beloved Blackeye Rovers. With new owners promising millions, I looked forward to the dismissal of Fat Sam and the appointment of a real world-class manager to help us attract the Beckhams and Ronaldinhos. Enter Steve Kean-Out, which started the whole fan protest movement Blackeye were widely lambasted for but which has been copied to much praise by Liverpool, Newcastle and now, bizarrely, Chelsea. While they’ve all survived, we’ve suffered through Kean-Out, Berg, Appleton and Black. I wouldn’t say be careful what you wish for as much as what the hell are you all thinking?” – Ferg Slade.
“Can I be the first of 1,057 people who remember the 1990s to suggest that instead of an impersonation of Beaker from the Muppets, the next step for José Mourinho on the trend extrapolation (yesterday’s Fiver) after ‘57 words, and most of those were “no” in 54 seconds’, is to sing 2 Unlimited’s No Limits in its entirety. Beaker from the Muppets, on the other hand, is constantly picking up bizarre injuries as a result of the actions of a professor. Surely this makes him ideal for the Arsenal midfield?” – Ed Taylor (and no other people who remembers the 1990s).
“At first I thought that responding to your miscalculation of the amount of pedants (yesterday’s letters) would be taking the bait for a very unsubtle trap. Then I realised that this is The Fiver and even the limited intelligence required for this decree of fore-thinking would be too much to ask for” – Gareth Collins (and 1,057^0 × 1,057 others).
“No, no, no, no, no! Clearly, not all pedants are created equal. There are Google Translate pedants, and then there are pedants who speak French. I gave you the correct translation yesterday and, faced with a choice of that or another piece of nonsense from Google Translate, you published the nonsense. You should know me better than that by now. ‘Il sera déçu par ce que …’ (sic) means ‘he will be be disappointed because’, whether you like it or not. I’m not sure how much pedantry you can stand at the moment, but ‘he will be disappointed by that’ may be translated in many ways, one of which is ‘celà le décevra’. Google Translate is a computer and computers can’t do this sort of thing yet, otherwise The Man would have replaced The Fiver with one by now.” – Phillipa Suarez.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Ferg Slade.
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BITS AND BOBS
Tottenham winger Andros Townsend wants to become former Tottenham winger Andros Townsend, so Spurs have ditched him from their squad. “When you behave in the wrong way, you need to pay,” 80s action movied Mauricio Pochettino.
Wales coach Chris Coleman has got the funk on with Arsène Wenger after the Arsenal manager’s comments about players getting knacked in the wake of international duty. “Don’t comment on Gareth Bale because he’s nothing to do with Arsenal,” he sniped. “And if he’s got a problem with my selection or one of his players, like Aaron Ramsey, tell me. He called [Mr Roy] to speak about Theo Walcott. He didn’t call me. Why?” [Couldn’t hear the phone over that faulty washing machine? – Fiver Ed.]
Manchester City have got their sights set on winning the group in Big Cup after a 3-1 win at Sevilla secured their safe passage with two games to spare. “We played a complete game,” cooed Manuel Pellegrini. “Physically, technically, tactically. We defended very well, we had good possession of the ball, we scored three goals and we missed five clear chances.”
Huddersfield Town, 18th in the Championship, have sent manager Chris Powell skittering down the Leeds Road with his P45. “It signals a change of direction by the club and a new approach,” parped club suit Nigel Clibbens.
French international Karim Benzema has been taken into police custody as part of an inquiry into an alleged plot to blackmail a fellow international over a bongo tape.
The Pope’s Newc O’Rangers need to find £2.5m before the end of the season to meet their liabilities after posting annual losses of £7.5m. “Further funding will be required during the 2016-17 season, the quantum of which is dependent on future football performance and promotion to the SPFL Premiership,” tootled the club’s annual report.
Turkish football suits haven’t taken too kindly to a referee being locked in his dressing room at Trabzonspor’s stadium last week after not awarding a late penalty in the 2-2 draw with Gaziantepspor, slapping a 280-day ban on president Ibrahim Ethem Haciosmanoglu, and other board members getting as much as year-long suspensions.
Barely a month after undergoing heart surgery, Stephan Lichtsteiner popped up to belt Juventus to the brink of Big Cup’s last 16 after a 1-1 draw at Borussia Mönchengladbach. “The match was really important for us and I really wanted to help the team,” he said.
Steve Evans is feeling a bit more chipper after Nasty Leeds beat Cardiff 1-0 to win at home for the first time in eight months. “At the end of the game I was quite an emotional man, I was welling up,” he warbled. “If I achieve nothing else I have won a game in charge of a famous football club at Elland Road.” Meanwhile, Evans has been getting his third person on again. “Whoever owns [Nasty Leeds] then Steve Evans would be very honoured to be their manager or head coach,” he Steve Evansed.
And York City have appointed Jackie McNamara as their new boss after Russ Wilcox did one.
STILL WANT MORE?
Andy Hunter looks back at Louis van Gaal’s game of Russian roulette against CSKA Moscow.
Why are footballers’ teeth so bad? Leo Benedictus drills down in the hope of finding a root cause.
Michael Lahoud and Kei Kamara escaped civil war in Sierra Leone, got really good at football, went to the USA! USA!! USA!!! to play in MLS, earned a bit of money and went to Africa to build a school together. What have you done with your day?
John Ashdown gives you the lowdown on the most successful towns in football (and tells you why London is not a city), tipsy referees and thieving footballers in this week’s Knowledge.
Jamie Jackson was so impressed with Manchester City’s new-found flexibility in midfield, he penned this piece on why it was a road-to-Damascus moment for Manuel Pellegrini.
And if you haven’t checked it out yet, get all over Next Generation 2015: 50 of the world’s top young football talents. Now.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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‘YOU WANNA SEE CRAZY?’ … ‘NO, I’VE SEEN THAT MOVIE AND – SPOILER ALERT – IT ENDS WITH A CLOSETFUL OF MY SUITS ON FIRE’
