LET THEM UNDERWHELM YOU
At the time of writing Saudi Arabia have not withdrawn from the Ethics World Cup despite disgracing themselves with the worst opening-day performance since Diana Ross tried to take a penalty. Ross is 74 now and still a woman so Saudi authorities are unlikely to listen to any advice she may have to give; apparently, then, Team Saudi are going to keep plugging away at this football lark, which is good news for Luis Suárez and – eventually, once he comes on – Mohamed Salah, who could effectively have the Golden Boot in the bag before the conclusion of the group stage.
“Results like this don’t happen very often in World Cups,” conceded Saudi Arabia manager Juan Antonio Pizzi. “We need to recover from this shameful situation,” added Pizzi, stopping short of suggesting that hiring a new manager might be a good start on the evidence of Thursday’s shambles. Though he did admit: “The opposing team really didn’t have to make a huge effort to win this game … but I trust my efforts, I trust my players and I fully trust we’ll have a better performance in the next game.”
History, at least, suggests that might be the case. After losing 10-1 in the first match in the 1982 World Cup, El Salvador performed respectably in their next two matches, going down only 1-0 to Belgium and 2-0 to Argentina. And Zaire’s 9-0 shellacking by Yugoslavia in 1974 amounted to an impressive face-saving exercise after a first game in which they were beaten by Scotland. And, of course, when Saudi Arabia were trounced 8-0 by Germany in 2002, they recovered sufficiently to lose only 1-0 to Cameroon and 3-0 to the Republic O’Ireland. The thing is, of course, that El Salvador and Zaire had some genuinely ingenious players and several mitigating factors for their heavy defeats, and even the Saudi side of 2002 looked better than the current shower, who, as things stand, must be hailed at the lamest outfit ever to appear at the World Cup. All that can really save them now is for some clown to start lobbying for the World Cup to be expanded to include 48 countries. What? Oh for flip’s sake.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It was very, very, very unjust. For an ‘assault’ you get maybe four games. They took him out the World Cup, kicked him out like a dog. He wasn’t allowed at the Copa América. It was disproportionate, unjust, and no one will take that indignation from us” – in this chinwag with Sid Lowe, Uruguay’s Diego Godín reflects on that Luis Suaréz bite which, of course, is something a dog could do.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
World Cup Football Daily with Max Rushden, Barry Glendenning and co is up and running and you can find it in this general area every matchday evening.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s your boy, David Squires, on Vlad, Spain and the opening game.
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FIVEЯ LETTERS
“I was idly musing on The Fiver’s use of ‘52 years of hurt’ (yesterday’s World Cup FiveЯ) for England which would take us back to 1966. My question is: when did the hurt really start? The obvious candidate would be the quarter-final loss to Germany in 1970. Less likely, the semi-final loss at Euro ‘68 or even the first competitive loss against Scotland in 1967. Did Skinner and Baddiel not think ‘26/28/29 (delete as applicable) years of hurt’ would scan? I think we should be told” – Chris Richardson.
“It’s all too easy to mock Nasty Leeds for appointing Marcelo Bielsa but he’s their 11th manager in the last four years and clearly won’t be staying long, so they might as well get some slapstick comedy out of it” – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Chris Richardson.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Imagine thinking that producing a cut-price LeBron James tribute act was a worthwhile and not thoroughly dismal endeavour. Imagine. Oh, hello Antoine Griezmann. “My fans, my team, my home!” trousered the France forward at the end of a documentary confirming he’s taking his talents, well, nowhere further than his current employ at Atlético Madrid. The state of him, or at least his advisers.
England are set to go with Jordan Henderson, Harry Maguire and Ashley Young in their opening game against Tunisia.
Suits from the English FA reckon a joint bid with Scotland, Wales and Norn Iron is the way to go for World Cup 2030. The Fiver can only dread to think what it would be called.
Everyone’s favourite football heels, Real Madrid, have taken a pop at the Spanish FA over sacking Julen Lopetegui and freeing him up for them even sooner. “It was an absurd reaction of misunderstanding and pride, which was aimed at hurting the prestige of Real Madrid,” trolled Florentino Pérez.
ITV is investigating how it played up to type and screened betting adverts instead of the first 30 seconds of the World Cup opener on its website stream.
Terry Butcher is back in the game, as the manager of the Philippines. “I’ve enjoyed my punditry work, personal appearances and after-dinner speaking but there’s nothing like getting back in the dugout,” he cheered.
STILL WANT MORE?
Which World Cup player am I? Take on our quiz.
The latest Golden Boot standings.
The making of Christian Eriksen, by those who knew the Prince of Denmark as a lad.
Barney Ronay’s verdict on the opening game.
“They played like Atlético Madrid.” Andrew Roth gauges Russian reaction to that thrashing of the Saudis.
Jorge Valdano is worried about Argentina being unworried by Iceland.
Joshua Kimmich tells Donald McRae that another World Cup win will be tough for Germany.
Is unhappy Hammer Chicharito’s time as Mexico’s leading man over? Nick Ames profiles El Tri.
Got, got. Need, need. How cash-strapped Panini sticker collectors in Brazil are completing their collections.
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