Age: Seven years under current ownership.
Appearance: Formerly, a 90-room grand estate hotel with glamorous ballroom. Currently, somewhere between Bates Motel and Fawlty Towers.
Oh, I know this one! It's that hotel in Blackpool run by that man people said was a real-life Basil Fawlty! Well done, dear! (pronounced in best Sybil-like tone).
Why's it in the news again? Was the proprietor found beating his car with a tree branch in a tragicomic excess of frustration? Did he mention the war to a group of German guests? No. He – Peter Metcalf – has been found guilty of 15 breaches of fire-safety regulations and jailed for 18 months.
Not a lot of laffs in that. The judge described him as having had "a callous disregard for the safety of people living in this premises for which you were responsible".
Oh, come now – it can't have been that bad. All fire exits chained or nailed shut, or blocked by broken furniture. Water to only half the building. Ceilings fallen in. Smoke alarms disabled. Homemade fuses in a cobbled-together electrical supply. Mouldy walls. Broken windows. Debris-filled bedrooms. And a single pole holding up the roof.
Oh, it was that bad. But why did guests put up with it? I mean, I know northerners are tough and Blackpool's seen better days, but still … Metcalf had turned it from a hotel into a multi-occupancy hostel, renting single rooms out by the week.
So he only had to make it slightly better than being homeless? That appears to be something he could have been thinking, yes.
Pretty crappy way to treat your fellow human beings, isn't it? Metcalf first hit the headlines when he hosted three BNP conferences in the building in 2006.
What are you saying? I'm saying that this fact – along with his previous conviction for 20 food hygiene breaches in 2008 and the revoking of his alcohol and entertainment licence in 2009 due to "significant and longstanding fire and health and safety concerns" – does not particularly inspire the belief that the milk of human kindness runs indefatigably through his veins.
Do say: "Let's keep looking. There must be a nice B&B somewhere, even if it's sixpence extra for t'cruet."
Don't say: "So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering and four Colditz salads."
