EIGHTIES BARÇA OR MODERN BARÇA: WHICH IS BEST?
Twenty-five years ago is, by any common metric, a very long time. Back then, Big Cup was known as the European Champion Clubs Cup. The Queen’s Celtic had won it more times than Barcelona. Indeed, the Catalan giants were mainly famous for throwing hands, launching absurd two-footed lunges, missing quite a lot of penalties, and losing all the time to Dundee United. But time passes, money gets spent, and things change. The world is now totally jiggered, competitive football isn’t in much better nick, and neither are the Queen’s Celtic. Barcelona, meanwhile, keep winning Big Cup every other year. They’re pretty good to watch, to be fair, though in The Fiver’s book, 90 minutes of predictably one-sided tiki-taka is beaten every time by a donnybrook culminating in a studs-first high-kick to the chest. Oh for it to be 1983 all over again.
Anyway, it’s not, and on Wednesday night the Queen’s Celtic have to try and somehow forget memories of September just gone, when they suffered a club-record 7-0 defeat at Camp Nou. They face Nice New Barça again at Parkhead, and will be hoping that Lionel Messi, who scored a brilliant hat-trick in that thumping win, has had an uncomfortable time sleeping in the woods, which is where he spent Tuesday night if the current wild state of his beard is any measure. For the record, the needle on our Fungus-o-meter has gone past the Designer Stubble, Noel Edmonds, Hipster and Al Fresco Buckfast Consumer readings, and is nudging dangerously close to Craig Levein When Scotland Were Doing Particularly Badly. We’re worried about him, reader.
The Queen’s Celtic might also take succour in the fact that Neymar’s mind may be elsewhere. Spanish prosecutors have called for the Brazilian striker to be banged in the slammer for a couple of years for his part in his allegedly corrupt transfer from Santos in 2013. The details are far too boring to go into here, and no we’re not just saying that because we can hardly decipher a till receipt from the Co-op, never mind a complex tax return. But he’ll be up before the beak soon enough if Judge José Perals has his way. Not that Brendan Rodgers is taking anything for granted. “No matter who plays, we know Barcelona are a very good side,” says the coach whose recent record against Spanish opposition is played three, lost three, scored none, conceded 11. Here’s hoping the Bhoys can bhuck that pitiful trend and record a shock victory. Or at the very least start a memorable bench-emptying brouhaha, in the style of Old Barça. Either is fine by us.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We sometimes laughed on the bench. It reminded me of funfair football. One more ride, who wants to score, who has not scored yet?” – Dortmund’s Michael Zorc on his team’s Big Cup record 8-4 shellacking of Legia Warsaw. To go with their 6-0 win in the first game.
FIVER LETTERS
“As a reader from USA! USA!! USA!!! I was surprised to learn on Monday that the men’s soccerball team was sure to qualify for Big Kerfuffle 2018 in Russia. 1,000% sure, no less. However, The Fiver could not see that our comeback in form would be without trusty Jurgen Klinsmann at the switch. Today, though, we learned that my home country will be treated to a footballing Bruce Arenaissance as we mow down powerhouse Honduras. Who could possibly forget what many consider the gaffer’s ‘signature game’, the 2002 draw to South Korea? Or the cagey Italian own goal, making up half of the team’s offense for the 2006 tournament? Or his eye candy 7-3-0 attacking formation? It’s a brand new day here, and good riddance to those fancypants European ideas, we’ll make American football great again” – Thad Brown.
“Re: Mark Harwood not wanting to wreck something of value while reading The Fiver in disgust (yesterday’s Fiver letters), may I suggest to him that hard copies of articles are generally found in actual newspapers, which are easily disposed of in anger. However, unfortunately for Mark, even Big Paper has enough good taste to not print The Fiver. As you were, Mark” – Travis Giblin.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Thad Brown, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve got a couple of copies left to give away, so if you want one, get busy writing.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
BITS AND BOBS
José Mourinho’s bid to inject more pace into his Manchester United side has continued with the club taking up its option to extend Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s contract for a further year; since signing for the club, Ibrahimovic has notched a whopping eight goals in 17 appearances. “He is happy, he’s committed and he is loving his life as a football player at Manchester United,” cheered Mourinho of one of the world’s best-paid players.
After Spurs’ early exit from Big Cup, Mauricio Pochettino has been taking stock. “Maybe we need to add more quality in the squad,” he tooted, remaining curiously silent as to his own role in the abject failure. “We have quality, yes, to compete in the Premier League but, today, you could say we struggled a little bit. When you have problems, injuries, it is difficult to be competitive.” Curiously, he was less loquacious on the subject of resting key players for key games.
Gareth Bale has knacked his ankle, with Real Madrid declaring: “He has been diagnosed with a traumatic dislocation of the peroneal tendons.”
Meanwhile, He has been holding court on the subject of Portugal’s European Championship win. “I had the feeling of doing a specific job, because the players see me more as a leader, someone who helps them and protects them,” he said of his shouting, huffing and gesticulating.
Despite the rumours, there will be no hilarious joking about Robbie Keane having supported Shamrock Rovers since childhood. “So many people asking if we’re moving back to Ireland,” tweeted his wife, Claudine. “We will be home for Christmas, but not for long, maybe in a few years from now.”
And Welsh FA suits are seething after Fifa’s fashion police charged them over fans wearing poppies in the crowd at last week’s game against Serbia.
STILL WANT MORE?
Great things were tipped for Tony Watt after his famous winner for the Queen’s Celtic against Barcelona in 2012. But it hasn’t quite worked out for the striker, now at Hearts, reports Ewan Murray.
David Hytner on where it went wrong for Spurs in Big Cup.
He’s dreamy, he’s talented, he misses too many big chances in big games. Paul Doyle looks at the Edinson Cavani conundrum as the PSG striker rolls into town to face Arsenal in Big Cup.
Goals! Goals! Goals! From Marco Reus to the Milan derby to Toni Duggan – our roundup of this week’s most spectacular strikes.
Do three home draws prove Manchester United really are the unluckiest team in the Premier League, as José keeps complaining/mind-gaming? Paul Wilson is sceptical.
And this week’s Knowledge looks at players and referees being flummoxed by penalty rebounds, among other items of exquisite nerdery.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
