Thrillingly, then, to tomorrow's X Factor final, which my civil service-prepared briefing notes tell me will be contested between Alexandra Burke, Eoghan Quigg, and boyband JLS. Artists, good luck to you all.
Only one of them will walk away with the near certainty of being dumped by their record label by next Christmas, of course, but this week details of all the finalists' contracts with Simon Cowell's SyCo have emerged - and amusing reading they make. Apart from stretching to 80 pages, they include a clause banning contestants from being "unduly negative, critical or derogatory" of Simon. "Unduly"? Without wishing to lecture the old buzzard in contract law, you'd have to think that single word renders them unenforceable in the circs.
But it is Clause 1.41 which hints that ground has not been even broken yet on Cowell's reality Xanadu. This proviso states that "the contract is enforceable anywhere in the world and the solar system".
The world, quite simply, is not enough - and while it's difficult not to get swept up in Simon's fantasy of playing commercial hardball when some promoter from the Kuiper belt comes promising the moon on a stick to weird little Eoghan, the clause appears to be a heartbreaking reminder of how unsatiated Cowell remains, despite having realised his dream of owning and controlling the global means of pitchy power ballad production.
How will it all end? Hard to say, but Lost in Showbiz can't help envisaging the flames licking round some notional sled. Speculation as to the nature of Simon's Rosebud is most welcome.
