In Our Time (Radio 4) | iPlayer
Happiness Podcast | happinesspodcast.org
The Moral Maze (Radio 4) | iPlayer
Bit of a morning. My son chucked up all over his bedroom at 5am, then continued on his pukeathon for the following few hours. At 8.30am, perhaps to provide a distraction, the kitchen ceiling fell in. Unsure if the two things were related – is my son’s vomit really heavy? Were both events separate Acts of God? – I turned to the radio for answers.
To be fair, I didn’t find much that dealt with weighty puke, but I did find audio distractions, which took my mind off cleaning up sick and ceiling rubble. First up, good old In Our Time. Melvyn Bragg and guests discussed Simone de Beauvoir, and their chat was so entertaining and enthralling that my hygiene efforts became almost enjoyable. I decided to follow De Beauvoir’s principles. I tried to clean in an existential manner (sort of freely) and without recourse to feminine stereotypes. I am not naturally better at dealing with children’s vomit than a man; neither am I worse at sorting out fallen plasterboard. Gender is a construct! And constructs can topple! Viz, our ceiling.
Bragg, who has a tendency to be impatient with his guests – he always wants to hurry them – seemed more relaxed than usual during this episode. When one academic described De Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre hanging out in cafes, gossiping about friends, Bragg said: “Two people of extreme intelligence, meeting and thinking through talking… Let’s hear about the philosophy!” He also brought up a few arguments against existentialism (which has always seemed to me to be a philosophy for teenagers; it’s far less appealing when you’re older and more inclined to compromise for the sake of a quiet life). As he pointed out, it’s all very well saying everyone is utterly free to do whatever they want when you’re poncing about drinking a frothy coffee in a Parisian cafe, but most people have to earn a living.
Next, I checked out some happiness podcasts. Crikey, there are a lot of them, and every single one is hosted by a presenter whose voice is meant to be soothing, but is in fact guaranteed to make you unhappy, through irritation. Anyway, one of my favourites was the Happiness Podcast with Dr Robert Puff. This is mostly because of his name. Dr Puff reads out listeners’ letters and then tries to solve their problems. He always reads out the whole letter, including any fulsome praise, which reminds me of Steve Wright in the Afternoon. Dr Puff! You don’t need to read that bit out! If we’re listening, we probably like the show! Still, there is definitely something nice about hearing “Dear Dr Puff…” before every letter. Dr Puff, Dr Puff, consult him when your life is ruff. This could be his theme tune. But it isn’t.
Finally, bored of all this feel-goodery, I tried The Moral Maze. Guaranteed to stiffen your upper lip and get your back up. This week, the second of a new series, was about laws we don’t enforce. The police just don’t have the resources to prosecute everyone who uses their mobile phone while driving, nor people caught with a small amount of cannabis. Meanwhile, landlords are legally required to report tenants who they think might be illegal immigrants, and soon we’ll all have to report anyone we think might be committing child abuse, or we’ll be prosecuted.
The discussion, as ever, was infuriating. There is something about The Moral Maze that feels desperately unreal. The positions are finely argued and dissected, Michael Buerk’s presentation and script are both exemplary, and yet somehow we never seem to get to the meat of the matter. That’s because – I thought, as I carted yet another bag of plaster down to the bins – most of life is a compromise, a make-the-best-of-it bodge-job. Things happen, and you deal with them the best you can, usually without recourse to philosophy or law. Or indeed, a happiness podcast. Pass the mop.
