Readers, I’ve finally succumbed to the allure of paid-for, streamed TV. My steadfast loyalty to the Aussie schedules of old finally broke when I channel-hopped three times last week, not once escaping footage of people in hard hats video-calling their loved ones to argue about lampshades.
When the options are this dire, and the streamed alternatives so Saulingly, Kimmy Schmidtedly appealing, sticking with scheduled television seems as wilfully self-hating as clinging to the Titanic while a nudist pleasure cruise drifts past.
So expect a wider range of telly picks and previews from here on, as I tumble down a blissful binge-hole. And have no fear: I’ll still be bobbing for apples in the septic tank of scheduled television. I’m sure there’ll be the occasional royal gala that makes it all worth it.
The Good ... Full Metal Alchemist
Before gorging on the big-name dramas and comedies, I thought I’d take the time to pig out on an old favourite, the Japanese animation series Full Metal Alchemist. An odd first foray, perhaps, but then you don’t need me to point out that Mad Men exists, nor to remind you that things come and go on Netflix, so while there are 64 episodes to work through, there’s little time to waste organically bonding with my own pants in a total slothathon.
It’s an exceptional series, brimming with philosophical musings, slapstick humour, heart-wrenching tragedy, an occasionally irreverent animation style, and absurdly exaggerated violence: even a papercut in this universe would result in a crimson reservoir jetting across the screen. Even better, it’s set in a fictitious old Europe, so the aesthetic isn’t as alien to western viewers as other Japanese series.
Watch the big American stuff, sure, but don’t forget there are hidden treats worth digging out too.
The bad ... Married At First Sight
Who knew that instead of scraping the bottom of the barrel you could kick through it and wear the barrel as a splinter-riddled one-piece? Some TV exec must have looked at The Bachelor and thought, “You know what? This doesn’t make the institution of marriage look nearly ridiculous enough,” to have come up with Married At First Sight (Channel Nine), soon to be followed by its spin-off, Divorced A Few Minutes Later. At this rate we’ll be able to adopt a kid using SnapChat by 2020.
The show’s promo desperately tells us that MAFS (please let’s get this going as shorthand for “worse than your mind can handle”) is setting Twitter alight. Then again, so did the hashtag #HowToSpotAFeminist. It’s not so much praise as proof that people on Twitter are about as discerning as a drunk in McDonald’s.
The clip goes on to tell us that arranged marriages “tend to last longer”. Lasting longer is also a quality ascribed to vegetables doused in pesticides, The Hobbit movies, and people called Lance Armstrong who have taken a load of drugs. I’m not entirely sure the ends justify the means.
... And the Eurovision
If you’re one of those people whose musical tastes oscillate between drab ballads and terrifying Scando metal, then the Eurovision song contest is here to tick both of those diametrically opposed boxes.
During the worst audio offerings, my advice would be to mute the TV and pretend you’re watching Cirque Du Soleil on a bad day. It’s where the enjoyment is: embracing Eurovision’s constant and precarious flirtation with the utterly naff.
To get a general idea, you can watch all the semi-finalists here. My marks for most underwhelming lyrics go to Estonia’s Elina Born and Stig Rästa.
I woke up at 6am
My eyes were closed but my mind was awake
Pretended I was breathing in a deep sleep pace.
Got dressed so quietly
I was frozen by the jingle of my keys at the door
As I got outside, I smiled to the dog.
Nul points or douze? You decide.
