The Viz Christmas Gift Guide

Everyone knows that you shouldn't give pets for Christmas, but who could say no to one of these adorable Klondike Kittens? Especially when you realise that each one is guaranteed to shit its own weight in gold... every day! The breeders say it may be necessary to experiment with your cat's diet in order for it to shit gold, but once you've cracked it, you'll never work again. £2 each from Tipton Cat & Dog Shelter, Scrotum Road, Tipton. Photograph: Viz

Teenage girls can be very difficult to buy presents for. One day they love One Direction, the next they're wetting their knickers over Justin Bieber. But one thing you can be certain of is that they all love the 9 O'Clock News's Robert Dougall. Now in its 60th year, the Robert Dougall Annual is packed with "facts, stories and loads of fab pics" of everyone's fave newsreader, who died in 1999. £3.99 from all good bookshops. Photograph: Viz

What better gift could you give anyone than everlasting life? This bracelet, crafted from pure Eternium, an element famed for its life-giving properties, is guaranteed to prolong the wearer's life indefinitely. But don't take my word for it - read this testimony from YL of Bolton: "I tried everything to become immortal but nothing worked. Then a friend recommended the Bracelet of Immortality. I put it on and immediately began to live forever." £8.95 or £15 for 2 from Methuselah Industries. Photograph: Viz

The most revered artefact ever robbed from a grave - the death mask of Tutankhamun. The greatest singer the world has ever known - Elvis Aaron Presley. The most daring raid of World War II - the flight of the Dambusters. All brought together in a magnificent collectors' clock plate. £49.99 from the Shit Things on Tick Mint. Photograph: Viz

He died for all our sins¿ and now he can dry for all our sins. This Life of Christ in Cats tea towel lets you reflect on the life of our Saviour as you dry your dishes. Every aspect of Christ's life is whimsically depicted in cats, from his lowly birth to his agonising death on the cross. Made from fine quality cotton, this is the perfect gift for any fan of cats, tea towels or Jesus. So any woman you know is bound to fall into one of those categories. £8.99 from www.moretvicar.com/collections/viz Photograph: PR

Whether it is inconsiderate parking, overhanging branches or loud parties late into the night, we all have trouble with our neighbours. We could take them to court, but once lawyers get involved the costs begin to soar. A much cheaper option is a set of these handy Tyre Nails. Chances are they'll escalate your dispute rather than resolving it, but you can't put a price on the feeling you get as you hammer them home. £12.99 a dozen from www.iwanttobursthisfuckingtyres.com.. Photograph: PR