The Olympics haven’t even started yet and I’m already in love with this USA men’s basketball team. First of all, let’s discuss the rather large, clean-shaven elephant in the room: Draymond Green’s penis. Dear lord. Was his posting of said member to social media a mistake or was it the initial step in an elaborate psych-out to demoralize the already overmatched teams in the competition? If I was the Spanish national team, I’d be running for cover and praying for a drunk guy to pull the fire alarm before tip-off. Of course, the squad is handling the situation with true grace under fire, especially DeMarcus Cousins. Laughter really is the best medicine, even for accidentally released Snapchats of your penis.
The team has clearly bonded over Green’s genitals and not even the horrendous living conditions in Rio can ruin this moment. Instead of forcing a collection of millionaires to sleep in the as-yet-unfinished Olympic village, the USA basketball team are staying on a cruise ship. Both the men’s and women’s teams are setting up home base on the Silversea Silver Cloud, which, according to NPR, has 196 rooms and can fit almost 400 people. Also, in case of a riot over bus fare increases or other man-made disaster, the Silversea Silver Cloud can float off into the ocean. If anything goes down, the country wants to make sure Kyle Lowry gets home in one piece.
This collection of NBA players might not be as impressive as the 1992 Dream Team, or even the 2012 team, but there’s seemingly no way they’ll miss out on a gold medal. The biggest threats to American basketball hegemony – Spain, Argentina, and France – are all trotting out players who are well past their prime. Lithuania might be a team to fear in 2020, once Domantas Sabonis has logged a few years in the NBA, but a victory over the USA seems highly unlikely.
With very little doubt hovering over the results of the tournament, the only thing to watch for in Rio is what I like to call the International Bounce. It’s like the US presidential convention bounce, but for basketball prowess. In the 2014 World Cup of Basketball, Cousins dominated and signaled that he’d be taking a step up once the season started. Of course, he didn’t and the Kings were abysmal yet again, but the hype was there over the summer. Do you remember that Carlos Boozer, Tayshaun Prince, and Michael Redd were on the 2008 Redeem Team? For players like that who aren’t perennial All-Stars and don’t win MVP awards, the International Bounce can be a career-defining moment. With this team having so many Olympic first-timers, there’s going to be a lot of guys with a lot to prove. This might be the all-time chip-on-the-shoulder team, so let’s look at what’s at stake for the 2016 men’s roster:
Jimmy Butler
Derrick Rose and Joaquim Noah leave Chicago and it looks like Jimmy’s finally going to be able to call the Bulls his team. But then, he gets Reinsdorf’d and finds himself preparing to share the ball with Rajon Rondo and Dwyane Wade. Also, he still has Fred Hoiberg as his coach, a guy who should be forced to wear a t-shirt that says “Just Happy to Be Here” at all times. Butler needs to prove that he deserves better than the basketball equivalent of that movie where Michael Douglas, Robert De Niro, Morgan Freeman, and Kevin Kline all go to Vegas one last time before they have to start eating food out of a tube.
Kevin Durant
Can he play with Klay Thompson and Green? How unselfish will he be? Will the fans in Brazil boo him, and if so, how much will he embrace his new villain status? And will he meet a nice Brazilian girl and settle down? So many questions.
DeAndre Jordan
In his first Olympics, DJ will want to prove that he is more than just the amazing pair of legs from the Meet the Hoopers commercials and that he can step up in a big game. Also, it will be interesting to see if coach Mike Krzyzewski runs any offense through him, since DeAndre’s coach in LA doesn’t seem to want to.
Kyle Lowry
Lowry is a star player, but because he plays in Toronto, he’s not a superstar. Besides last year’s Eastern Conference Finals, this will be his biggest platform to show the world how talented he is.
Harrison Barnes
Let’s see if Barnes remembered how to make threes in the last couple months. In the NBA Finals, he was about as reliable as the toilets in the Olympic Village. He’s going to want to erase that perception as quickly as possible, so that he can start fresh in Dallas.
DeMar DeRozan
He’s looking to prove that his mediocre playoff performance against the Cavs was a fluke.
Kyrie Irving
A gold medal would be a nice capper to an amazing year for Uncle Drew. Now, if he could just get a better nickname, his year would be perfect.
Klay Thompson
Klay needs to prove that he can be away from home for two weeks without adult supervision.
DeMarcus Cousins
Try not to foul out.
Paul George
This should be a very emotional moment for Paul George. The horrific leg injury that sidelined him for most of the 2014-2015 NBA season occurred during a USA basketball exhibition. He missed the 2014 World Cup because of that accident, making this his first competitive international tournament as a pro. He’s surely going to want to make up for lost time and is my pick to be the most impactful player during the tournament and get the biggest International Bounce of them all.
Draymond Green
Draymond has nothing left to prove to anyone.
Carmelo Anthony
Melo will be 36 during the 2020 Olympics, so this is likely his final run at gold. He had to be convinced by his former college coach and USA assistant, Jim Boeheim, to come back for a fourth Olympics. Assuming the US win the tournament, he’ll be the most decorated American player in the history of Olympic basketball. This is going to be a sort of valedictory moment for Melo, similar to Kobe Bryant’s final run at London 2012, which signaled the start of the final phase of his career. It’s quite a shock to see it come to this for Anthony. Sure, he can claim the Knicks are a super-team, but any right-thinking individual knows that’s far from the truth. The Knicks will be more competitive next season, but to what end? Is there any scenario where they can defeat Cleveland (or even Toronto or Boston) in a seven-game series? Melo’s greatest career glory might occur on the Olympic stage, which is quite something to ponder. A gold medal doesn’t compare to an NBA championship for elite players like Anthony, but in his case, it may well have to suffice.
