Like a proto-Amy Winehouse, Baroness Thatcher once said "No, no, no!" to creeping European federalism. We didn't heed her warning. Now God, in the form of Channel 5, has punished us by reviving the Europhile quiz show Going for Gold.
While lobbyists insist that the perils of TV revolve around lack of exercise and children becoming desensitised to sex, violence and swearing, it's possible that the return of Going for Gold is now the number one danger facing viewers.
Running from 1987 to 1996, Going for Gold began innocuously enough with a one-off series featuring contestants from seven European countries fighting to win a trip to the 1988 Seoul Olympics. The show proved bafflingly popular, however, extending to ten series and stretching the "gold" theme to breaking point as holidays on the Gold Coast or trips panning for gold were offered as prizes.
My own Going for Gold experience came, predictably enough, when I was a student. Screened immediately after the lunchtime Neighbours, the quiz was the second half of a compulsory student double bill. It had unique hypnotic properties. The remorselessly optimistic Europop theme tune, the pastel graphics and smiling, waving, geography-teacher contestants combined to put you in a soporific trance.
After the show finally finished, it was common to get Going for Gold flashbacks. You would remember curious features such as how many of the contestants appeared not to speak English, the weird demolition-device buzzers, and the smiling Irish host from Game for a Laugh.
Henry Kelly, educated at the same Jesuit institution that produced James Joyce, Garret Fitzgerald and Éamon de Valera, never once betrayed any resentment that he was punching under his intellectual weight. Nonetheless his "What am I?" catchphrase had a particular poignancy. "What am I doing here?" was the unspoken, despairing follow-up.
I am no stranger to daytime telly. I watched the carnival of the weird that was Nigella's chat show and emerged unscathed. And yes, I watched the reformed Nolan sisters perform I'm In the Mood for Dancing on Loose Women and came up smiling. I even watched Rob Curling's Turnabout without significant psychological damage.
But Going for Gold is just different. No good can come of its revival. Once you start watching an episode, it's practically impossible to stop. It drains the lifeblood from students, jobseekers and homemakers. It references a pan-European unity that doesn't exist. It is quite possibly predicted in the Book of Revelation. If we must have a baffling, fast-paced, never-ending quiz, could somebody please develop Numberwang before it's too late?
