The biggest problem with being a noisy neighbour is that it’s just so time-consuming. You have to wear your heaviest shoes, schedule all your arguments for the most antisocial hours and then systematically open all your windows before embarking on grotty, high-volume make-up sex.
And the music? Just choosing what sort of music to annoy your neighbours with is an almost insurmountably difficult task. Do you wear people down with blind repetition, like an old neighbour of mine once did with a La Roux song, or subject them to a long and arduous smorgasbord of fixture-shaking pop?
Luckily, the lives of all aspiring noisy neighbours just got so much easier. Now that Plymouth council has threatened a pair of 68-year-olds with an Asbo for playing Roy Orbison hits as loudly as possible, we’ve decided to create the Ultimate Asbo Playlist for you. Each and every one of these songs has been the source of council intervention following complaints by neighbours. Here they are in one place, ready to help you ruin everyone’s lives for good.
If Roy Orbison can annoy people in Plymouth, he’ll annoy your neighbours, too. Let’s start as we mean to go on, with something relatively loud and obnoxious like I Drove all Night.
Next, we’ll copy deaf grandmother Georgina Sims, who received her Asbo in 2012 thanks to her love of Frank Sinatra and Glenn Miller. Here, obviously, we want full-bombast Sinatra, so New York, New York will suffice. As for Glenn Miller, only the sheer grinding repetition of In the Mood will do.
Next, we’ll go back to 2007, when Diane Duffin from Leeds was threatened with an Asbo for playing Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5 up to 20 times a day. But, relax, you only need to play it once, because next up is I Think We’re Alone Now by Tiffany, which was played by Stephen Parry so loudly this year that he actually went to prison for it.
Now, a change of pace. In 2011, a Manchester man was given an Asbo for listening to Jazz FM too loudly. At the time of writing, the song currently playing on Jazz FM is Brazymuth by Azymuth, so that’ll do. It’s certainly annoying enough.
Now for the big finale: a non-stop wham-bam of Asbo favourites. Wonderwall by Oasis. Faith by George Michael. Babylon by David Gray. Dancing Queen by Abba . It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Andy Williams (preferably performed by a mechanical polar bear. And then, finally, Viva Forever by the Spice Girls. Play this loudly enough and, congratulations, your neighbours will hate you forever!
