Dear grownups, my dad wants me to do the colum this week instead of him because he can’t be arsked. So instead of him riting about me, I’m going to rite about him.
It is not easy having parents, tho I spose it is necesary. They are good to have around when you need something. The thing about my dad is that he’s old. Really old. Sometimes I play noughts and crosses on the wrinkles on his forehead. People think he’s my grandad. I think that’s funny, but he doesn’t think it’s funny.
Dad doesn’t always find the same things funny as me. I threw a water bomb at him when he was just about to go out to a fancy meeting and he didn’t think that was funny at all. Everyone else did, though, and that seemed to make him even more upset.
I don’t really understand grownups. They are annoying. They are like silly giants who are always getting things wrong. My nanny was helping me make cookies for a cake baking competishun last week and she told me to put couscous into the mix because she thought it was brown sugar. Do people just go madder the older they get? I think they do. My dad once tried to pick up a picture that was printed in a newspaper.
My dad always says, “You don’t know you’re born.” I don’t know what that means because I do know I’m born, otherwise how would I be here? He says he thinks I have it much easier than he did when he was a kid before the second world war. He never used to get holidays abroad or toys or anything or smartphones, just rubbish like old apples or cardboard boxes because his mum and dad never had any money, they were poor like everyone else in the olden days. I think he thinks I’m meant to feel sorry for him, but I don’t, because he can’t complain about what happened about a million years ago.
Sometimes my dad shouts at me for no reason or just because I’ve left a mess in the kitchen or the bedroom or the bathroom or the toilet or the sitting room, and he says he won’t clear it up, it’s my responsibility, and then when I don’t do it he says I’m lazy, and then I hate him and I cry, and make him feel sorry for me, and then he clears it up anyway. LOL.
Things that make me unhappy are 1) my sister when she is being mean to me, which she is all the time. 2) Mum and Dad taking away my iPad when screens are so much more interesting than people, especially adults. 3) them making me read books instead because their meant to be good for me, though I don’t know why their better than Austin and Ally on Disney Channel. 4) The clowns who hide under my bed.
I wonder if my dad gets paid for writing about me every week or does he do it just to show off? If he does, I’d like to be paid for writing this please. £1 will be enough, that’s the same as my pocket money. I expect my dad gets paid twice as much though at least.
Some other things: I hate vegetables except potatoes, especially brockley which you can stop throwing up over if you put on soy sauce. I know what the F word is but I’m not sure I know what the C word is. Mummy says it’s “crap” but I think she’s lying. I’m nearly nine years old and I want to have a kid one day when I’m grown up. I’m sure even though I’ll be stupid by then it can’t be all that difficult.
