MORE THE MERRIER FOR THE TERRIERS
The Fiver is no stranger to a cliched comparison so here’s another to wrestle with. Are you old enough to remember the 1997-98 season when Barnsley – scampish, tousle-haired Barnsley – competed in the Premier League. You might not be but, in any case, they finished 19th despite playing stuff that was nice enough to make Danny Wilson – that’s the Danny Wilson who was sacked by Chesterfield in January – into one of the country’s most sought-after, up-and-coming young managers.
Said manager launched into a pre-season spending spree in a bid to keep his Tykes up. There was Georgi Hristov, who left only his disdain for local women as a souvenir of his time in South Yorkshire, there was Ashley Ward, there were the exotic additions of Ales Krizan and Eric Tinkler. It all rounded up to almost exactly £5m of deft summer transfer dealings: huge money for a promoted side.
Barnsley is less than 20 miles from Huddersfield. Huddersfield, who happen to be unfashionable arrivistes themselves, albeit with a richer history of silverware if you can crane back several aeons before When Football Began and learn about those marvellous sides of the 1920s and 1930s. Huddersfield, who are rivalling Everton as this summer’s insatiable tigers of the transfer market. The arrival of Beninese goal-getter Steve Mounié – we’ll leave further description to people who actually know – for a keen £11.5m was their fourth club record deal of the summer. Of course, nobody really knows what transfer fees mean any more and in general they tend to represent the utmost one might shell out for a swathe of bandage to cure a slightly annoying itch, but they are making what transfer narrative demands are called a number of “statements” and this deal brings their splurge up to something around £31m. That’s a lot of John Smith’s in anybody’s money.
It’s also somewhat more than Barnsley were able to manage even if it is particularly odious to compare on this front: the transfer market is beyond help, while it was only showing signs of going round the bend two decades ago. You only need to have enjoyed, well, no seasons just yet in the Premier League to be afforded monopoly money and that’s just to keep up with the Palaces … and the Burnleys … and the West Broms … and the interchangeable slew of mediocrity from eighth place downwards. David Wagner’s trolley dash could precede ignominious relegation for Huddersfield; you sense though that it might just as easily propel them to the fringes of the Europa League spots.
The … urrgh … composition of Wagner’s evolving squad befits the style he likes: scurrying, full of dash and thrust, with a healthy note of nuance thrown in too. Already you sense they could hold their own. Just two seasons ago, Huddersfield’s biggest spend before the campaign was £300,000 on Carlisle’s Kyle Dempsey, who has since been shipped to Fleetwood. Huddersfield are now in a universe beyond their wildest imagining and even less of their own making; the parallels with Barnsley exist but, while there was a certain quaintness to things at Oakwell throughout that gamely-fought campaign in 97-98, all anyone in their position can do now is plunge headlong into the unfettered madness.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“What happened to us today is a once-in-a-lifetime thing” – Pope’s O’Rangers manager Pedro Caixinha tempts fate after their big European tour came to a juddering halt in Luxembourg, where they lost 2-1 on aggregate to part-timers Progrès Niederkorn.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FIVER LETTERS
“I would like to write a letter of complaint about the Pope O’Rangers’s (latest) debacle. I haven’t even gone away for my summer holiday yet but I was fully expecting to return from my usual jaunt full of energy and ready for the Annual ‘Laughing at Scottish Clubs Going Out of Europe in August Summer Fete’. Furthermore, I’ll also be writing a similar letter (with a change of names) once the Queen’s Celtic lose to Linfield at the end of this month” – Noble Francis.
“Did enjoy Pope’s O’Rangers having it handed to them by seminal Krautrock also-rans Progres Niederkorn. Looking forward to watching Everton get gubbed by Floh de Cologne” – Jon Millard.
“Living and working in Luxembourg, I don’t get to see much quality British football. Going to the Progrès v Rangers game hasn’t changed that” – Luxembourg Matt.
“Fascinated to hear that Crystal Palace are spreading liquid garlic on the pitch. I’m not convinced by this grassroots parasite story though. Do they perhaps have Barcelona visiting for a pre-season friendly? It’s certainly a novel way of warding off that nice Señor Suárez, I suppose” – Ben Jones.
“I hadn’t heard of nematodes before Tuesday’s Fiver landed. Given they have the capacity to create a weak plant that is susceptible to disease and wear and tear, I’m wondering whether my team’s medical staff have given any thought as to whether certain members of our squad have become infected, in which case they’ll find the 200 garlic naans I’ve ordered to be delivered to the London Stadium handy” – Ian Sargeant.
“Simon Toms’ paint-related letter of yesterday left me with mixed emulsions. I’ll get my coat” – Martyn Shapter.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Jon Millard.
BITS AND BOBS
Wayne Rooney could be about to make a romantic return to Goodison Park, if Everton will match his £250,000-a-week Manchester United salary. Which seems like a pretty big ‘if’.
Alexandre Lacazette has passed his medical and will be confirmed as an Arsenal player, just as soon as their social media team have pushed the button on something they’ll soon regret.
Lionel Messi has saved us all weeks of idle speculation by extending his Barcelona contract until 2021. “The club is very happy with the renewal of Messi, the best player in history” trilled an official statement.
Former Sunderland and Everton midfielder Steven Pienaar has joined South African champions and 10.4% craft ale Bidvest Wits.
And in a thinly veiled attempt to boost shirt sales, Inverness Caledonian Thistle have signed Collin Seedorf – nephew of Dutch midfield general Clarence.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Transfers of the past! Transfers of the future! In the Premier League! This summer!
Inflatables! Epic contracts! Negative goal difference! Stock picture of a football! The Knowledge!
World Cup! Argentina! Goalposts! Political intrigue! In Bed With Maradona for the Sport Network!
WhatsApp! Takeaways! Smiling chairman! Bryan Robson’s hair! Transfer unveilings! Simon Burnton!
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
