Could it be the board of governors’ report from your children’s overpriced independent school? Or the annual review from your personal wealth management consultants? Ah no, it’s the Conservative manifesto of course, this year disguised as a generic corporate brochure, clearly designed to be at home in the baize-lined in-trays of the Tory heartland.
It follows a similar format to the 2010 manifesto, with its authoritative statement on a simple navy blue cover, only this time it has the added bonus of a photograph of the people you would be voting in. Whether this is actually a bonus is debatable.
No doubt intended to instil confidence in the executive cabinet – a personification of the STRONG LEADERSHIP headlined below – it looks more like the boardroom finale at the end of The Apprentice. Theresa May in particular seems to be longing for Alan Sugar to burst in, point the finger and declare: “Dave, you’re fired.”
Look closely and you’ll even see a little black desk partition (or is it the headmaster’s cane?) dividing Team May, Javid and Morgan from Cameron, Osborne and McVey; the former three leaning in, as if desperately trying to eavesdrop on what the boss is explaining to his chief prefect. George Osborne, keen to look the part, has a ring-binder open at the ready, containing what must be the CLEAR ECONOMIC PLAN alluded to below. A plan so clear that it appears to fit on a single side of A4.
They should have known to stick to the text-only approach. Last election’s famously airbrushed headshot of Cameron, which gave him the waxy look of an embalmed dictator, dramatically backfired, spawning a tidal wave of mocking memes. This stock-photo cabinet-and-caption cover design is only an invitation for more of the same.
As for the text, it shows a shift from last election’s traditional serifed typeface to bold sans-serif caps. A progressive move, they might imagine, but it instead recalls the bold block type used in the era of negative campaigning in the 1970s and 1980s, dreamed up by the Saatchis, that cemented the image of the “Nasty Party”.
While Labour’s minimalist 2015 manifesto has sensibly ditched their party logo – perhaps realising the rose has become entirely illegible since it was confined in a strange box – the Tories are back with their scribbled oak tree, this time sporting a union jack costume.
When the tree was unveiled in 2006, imagined as a brave new image of “strength, endurance, renewal and growth”, it drew ridicule from Tory grandees. They compared it to everything from a bunch of broccoli to the work of a three-year-old let loose with a crayon. But with the union jack get-up, it’s got a whole lot worse. Slumped in a forlorn heap at the bottom of the page, the country’s flag now looks like a tatty wind-beaten rag, as if torn and battered by five years of austerity. Is this the symbol of a BRIGHTER, MORE SECURE FUTURE?
The Greens manifesto
The Greens have also launched their manifesto on Tuesday, along with a fun-size “mini manifesto”, designed as a 15-page booklet that people might actually read. Its approach couldn’t be more different: if the Tories are posing as accomplished executives, besuited leaders in the boardroom of power, the Greens just want to be your friends. The party leaders are even smiling in the opening spread. Might these politicians actually be real people with emotions?
But rather than them, they want you to think that it’s all about YOU. The cover title declares VOTE FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN in blocked-out text, tilted jauntily askew over a photo-montage, displaying what are presumably some of the things you might believe in: money, departure boards, pencils, houses and solar energy. They all seem like good things.
While the Tory publication looks like a corporate annual report, this has more of the look and feel of a local council recycling leaflet. It is full of thematic colour-coded spreads inside, each election issue brandished with a hashtag – reminding us, like your dad at the disco, that this is the party for the yoof.
As for the question of the logo, it’s another shocker. Even BP, surely the ultimate enemy of the Greens, has done a better job of looking like it might have something to do with being green. The Greens’ logo seems like it is supposed to be the globe emerging from a halo of leaves, or adorned with a classical wreath like a Roman emperor. But, at most distances, the leaves look more like flames, as if the earth has erupted into an infernal ball of hellfire. Which may well be what will happen if the Greens don’t get their way.
