SELF-CONGRATULATORY BACKSLAPPING
“It is beyond me that we feel the need to set aside a night to give out these jag-off bowling trophies six times a year so all these people can pat each other on the back about how much money they’re making, boring the [pee] out of half the world,” said Jerry Seinfeld of awards ceremonies. The stand-up was picking up an award at the time and was sure to add the caveat that “if I hadn’t already won all these awards I would not be talking like this”. Like the business they call “show”, football is similarly obsessed with org1es of self-congratulatory backslapping, but few do it with quite the same amount of bells, whistles and bloated self-regard as the sport’s world governing body, whose third annual I Can’t Believe It’s Not The Ballon d’Or awards were staged in Big London on Monday night.
Also known as the Best Fifa Football Awards since their conscious uncoupling with France Football’s better known shindig in 2016, the purpose of the ceremony is to honour individual excellence in a team sport and few could have complained about the main winners, although He is almost certainly still seething after missing out on two of them. The Juventus striker came up short in the men’s player award, which was won by his former Real Madrid team-mate Luka Modric, while the Brazilian footballer Marta took the women’s equivalent. France manager Didier Deschamps won the gong for men’s coach, having masterminded his country’s Ethics World Cup win. His compatriot Reynald Pedros picked up a bauble for women’s coach in the wake of Lyon’s Big Cup success last season.
Elsewhere, neither Gareth Bale nor His Big Cup bicycle kicks – among other strikes – were deemed worthy of the Puskás Award. No, to everyone’s surprise that one went to Mo Salah for his comparatively “meh” effort for Liverpool against Everton in the Premier League. “Congrats @MoSalah on your 7th best goal from last season winning goal of the year,” honked James Milner after the result was announced. Milner’s surprise mirrored that of everyone else, although it was shock that quickly turned to acceptance when it was revealed the decision was made by the general public. A general public which includes the same kind of people who voted for Brexit and Donald Trump and clearly can’t be trusted. For all that, The Fiver’s just gratuitously carping now and only the most churlish of tea-timely football emails would deny Salah, an all-round good egg, his mini-moment of triumph.
“The whole feeling in this room of reverence and honouring is the exact opposite of everything I have wanted my life to be about,” continued Seinfeld, whose sterling contribution to today’s Fiver has at least helped make some of it funny. “Awards don’t mean a goddamn thing. It’s stupid. They’re all stupid.” He’s not wrong, but in the unlikely event that Fifa or anyone else ever decides to give The Fiver one for our services to football, we’ll happily throw on our best bib and tucker and saunter up the green carpet to collect it.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Newcastle are a real one-off. I don’t know of a club that has been run as badly or with such disregard for people” – Kevin Keegan tells Simon Hattenstone all about Mike Ashley, managing the Toon and plenty more besides.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
No Country for Proper Football Men. This week’s David Squires cartoon.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism [the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – Fiver Ed] is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us. In return we can hopefully arm you with the kind of knowledge that makes you sound slightly less uninformed during those hot reactive gegenpress chats you so enjoy. And if you think what we do is enjoyable [again, etc and so on – Fiver Ed], please help us keep coming back here to give you more of the same.
FIVER LETTERS
“The great thing about football is its ability to take you away from modern life. As a result, instead of spending my time looking at spreadsheets of pointless rankings that I’ve put together, I’m now looking at spreadsheets of pointless rankings that Fifa has put together and converted to a pdf first. By the way, top marks to Malawi coach Ronny Van Geneughden for saying that Bobby M should be men’s coach of the year” – Noble Francis.
“I would be tempted to say ‘them’s the breaks’ to Adam Uncamus (yesterday’s Fiver letters), who bemoans the lack of video tech denying Fulham sufficient advantage before the ref blew for a foul against Watford. For one, referring all judgment calls to video would kill the game, but Timothy Fosu-Mensah might also have seen a card of a different colour than yellow for his tackle on Troy Deeney if anyone were asked for a second opinion. (Kudos to the players concerned for hugging it out on Social Media Disgrace Twitter after the game, btw)” – Ian Jackman.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Noble Francis.
BITS AND BOBS
Manchester United’s latest financial results show record revenues of £590m, but the Glazers’ debt from buying the club 13 years ago stands at nearly at £487m. “We are the biggest sports team in the world,” gulped Ed Woodward.
Dan Ashworth is set to jump ship from the FA and set up at Brighton.
Milk Cup Simon Mignolet will get the nod in goal for Liverpool against Chelsea on Wednesday. “He would have been ready to go to another club to be the No 1 but we couldn’t do it,” cheered Jürgen Klopp. “Since then he’s brilliant, he trains very well, deserves that game. I’m happy to give him that opportunity.”
Uefa has reopened its investigation into PSG finances, having previously cleared the club of breaking FFP rules.
Sunderland have sacked £13.6m record signing Didier Ndong, after the awol midfielder failed to report for pre-season. “No reason was given for his continued absence,” sighed a statement.
Pablo Zabaleta has assumed the role of Declan Rice’s Mr 15% after urging West Ham to get the teenager tied down to a new deal. “He is in the last year of his contract so West Ham need to think about his situation because, even though he is young, he looks so mature,” he beamed.
And former Hull City forward Daniel Cousin has a new gig … as manager of Gabon. “As a former captain, being able to train this team is seeing a dream come true,” he tooted.
STILL WANT MORE?
“Being a woman playing soccer, and being a gay woman, provokes a lot of hate. We’ve come far but there’s a lot of work to do” – Wolfsburg and Sweden’s Nilla Fischer talks to Suzanne Wrack.
Five months ago, Cameron Norman was at King’s Lynn. Now a test against Manchester City awaits.
What’s that weird feeling? It’s a whiff of Paul Pogba-shaped sympathy, so-says Barney Ronay.
Frank Lampard is ready to do battle with his mentor, Mr Mourinho, writes Simon Burnton.
MLS Ultras? Plastic wannabes or sign of a thriving league, ponders Graham Ruthven.
Entertainment or winning: what would you choose?
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