The Day that was Fifty Shades
Yes, today was that day. The day of many shades. And tonight can be filled with even more. Colour your evening with the Guide recommends.
Television
Check the musical version of First World War tributes as Garth Malone's six young singers are challenged to write a moving song with Pixie Lott's Cry Me Out as their inspiration. She rhymes emails with females so the kids have quite the task ahead of them. Tune into CBBC at 5pm for The Big Performance.
Film
This was naively recommended last week (as I had not seen it) but I will reiterate my uneducated point from a now enlightened stance. Go and see Boyhood. You will experience a spectrum of emotion and after 2 and a half hours and 12 years of time lapse, you will not want it to end.
Music
Should you happen to be down Leeds way check the tinted glass of Rose Windows psychedelic jams for some heat infused hypnosis. The Seattle based rockers off of Sub Pop records are sure to fulfil all your summer dreams. They play at Brudenell Social Club at 7pm. Tickets are £6.
After-Tune
It is that time of day when puns go from worse to worse. To blind you of the transformation to unfunny I will plague you with music to your taste or not your taste. We will post and you will roast. In the sun.
Vessel – Red Sex
24-year old Bristolian producer Sebastien Gainsborough, AKA Vessel, has an album out this year on TriAngle Records. If you like your electro warped, slightly jarring and with a touch of handmade instrumentation (like “sheets of metal as percussion” ), then feast on Vessel’s first single off Punish, Honey .
Here’s a WORLD PREMIERE of Red Sex, it's glammy with a dark industrial edge. And (if you're standing outside) it will make you hot faster than you can say Fifty Shades of Grey. Full album out September.
Iceage - The Lord's Favourite
If a joke exists to transition from lilting synth's to Danish punk rock, please tell it. Or just accept that you are capable of enjoying the heat of industrial electronic and the cool of Iceage in one post. The foursome appeared on the scene in 2009 and they have been keeping it chilly ever since.
The Lord's Favorite is the first follow up to 2013's release You're Nothing. Which was an album that went down better than listening to All Killer No Filler Sum 41 when you were 14.
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Trailer Tear Up: Part 1
In a very special two part edition of trailer tear up: we will, in usual fashion, be tearing up the trailers of the day with raving or scathing reviews. Part 2 will, as the headline suggests, explore the thrusts and thighs of the Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer. But more on Fifty Shades later. For now lets delve in to a world of Robin Thicke and a nightmare with Jake Gyllenhaal.
Wishing for a world without Robin Thicke in Making the Rules
Jamie Presley, your life dilemma comes in the form of a sliced finger and your temptation out of wedlock comes in the form of Robin Thicke? Really? Then again what can you expect from the women who starred in the third instalment of Drew Barrymore's 1992 erotic thriller Poison Ivy. Sort of a predated-teenage-female-led version of Fifty Shades. And Janet Maslan was right it was quietly sinister. This film looks just fantastic *eyes roll out of head*. Which is probably why it went straight to video, missing out on the theatrical release.
Jake Gyllenhaal explores modern emplyment in NightCrawler
A trailer with main character monologue and opposing scenes illustrating the slow deconstruction of a man, yes please! That is the perfect kind of trailer. Glad to see that Gyllenhaal has moved away from his Prince of Persia hair. And away from the mild psycho of Zodiac into insanity. It seems like a bit of Leonardo DiCaprio move and that is what is great about it. Nightcrawler is set to be released 17 October.
Pierce Brosnan gets back to action in the November Man
Pierce, you seemed all but lost in the world of musicals and suicidal comedies. Alas you have reappeared, back where you belong. Behind the barrel of a gun. I thought the only way to see you there was with a vintage Nintendo 64 and copy of that grey block sized game Goldeneye. And Olga Kurylenko, I thought Terrance Malick had all but consumed you with his attempt at romance. Glad to see you two Bondies teaming up for what is sure to be a sufficiently entertaining B rated action flick, to be released at the end of August. Was hoping for a November release but hey, not everyone is ironic as I am.
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Trailer Tear Up: Part (50 Shades of Grey)
Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan in Fifty Shades of Grey
Fifty Shades of Grey is one of those phenomenons which erupts myriad questions. Zoe Williams attempted to decipher the love affair women have with the book(s) in 2012 after the first novel was released and sold 4 million copies in the UK within a few months of release. As of February last year the book sold 100 million copies and with the Valentine's 2015 release of the new film starring Dakota Johnson and Jaime Dornan the obsession is expected to grow.
Trying to come up with jokes in my usual dead pan expression to match the mystery of the Christian Grey fanaticism, my infatuation with the craze takes over. Not an infatuation with the film or the books but one with the craze. What I am saying is, I would rather watch women pass by Brad Pitt, EL James book in hand, then watch Universal's Fifty Shades of Grey.
Saying that the pornographic end scene was rather enticing. A 21st century upgrade of Meg Ryan's orgasm scene circa When Harry Met Sally. Except Billy Crystal is this guy and there are whips. Not that whips are anything new in cinema, think Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman. The lesson here seems to be a lesson that was explored this year, with Nymophomanic I and II. How best to blur the lines between film and porn. While it is doubtful that Fifty Shades of Grey will be a Hollywood-ised version of Lars Von Trier's exploration into false genitalia. It will certainly tempt to turn you on.
For further clarity check Stuart Heritage's review: through a glass, daftly.
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Commonwealth OC highlights
In case you missed the Commonwealth opening ceremony highlights included.
Susan Boyle
Rod Stewart sans pants
Rainbows
Commonwealth OC lowlights
If the sounds of Rod and Susan accompanied with colourful visuals don't happen to suit your fancy you should probably check this Optimo mix tape that was denied entrance to the opening ceremony. Let's formally introduce.
The Caribbean section
After being summoned by the opening ceremony planners to create a mix tape for the games JD Twitch created said mix tape only to discover the ominous 'they' went with another DJ. A 'bigger name'. Hence we were left with the Caribbean section of Twitch's mix. The sweet steel drums ring in another one of those magical moments for Optimo. And it sounds a lot like what we wish the opening ceremony sounded like.
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R-Kelz and the letter P
The R&B superstar has announced a new house album.
"I want y'all to know a secret. I'm working on a house album right now, and I want y'all to know, it's coming. And y'all know, I love music and I feel like I can do anything when it comes to music because I am music just like y'all."
Are you 'M' for music R Kelly? You may find that you better suit the letter 'P'. There are words that begin with letter that more fittingly describe you. Such as: person, pedestrian come to think of it you may not walk that much. Well the phonetic 'p-e-e' is descriptive enough.
The meaning of this house album is yet to be determined. It is a mix-match of person and purpose. Much like the time he took on Twitter with #AskRKelly. Which we were reminded of with #AskThick.
In celebration of what is sure to be another moment in R Kelly history let us go through the top R Kelly 'P' jokes.
R. Kelly says 'The Notebook' inspired him to divorce his wife, while the toilet inspired him to find his new girlfriend.
R. Kelly wrote a song about Nelson Mandela which is cool because it's R. Kelly pissing on apartheid.
The Yellow King in True Detective is going to be R. Kelly.
Surprisingly the letter 'P' only appeared three times.
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Morning Y'all
And welcome to this Thursday edition of the Guardian Guide Daily. Your hourly update of pop culture news. From the flesh in the 50 Shades of Grey trailer to R Kelly dropping a new house album. He is not the only hate-able pop star to be releasing some new stuff. So to is Justin Bieber. You may remember Bieber from such instances as: that time everyone hated him. And that time American's petitioned to have him removed from America. Also, that time he partied noisily and everyone had more reason to hate him.
But the Beibs is not the only Canadian making headlines today. The politic's favourite junky Rob Ford recently injured his toe. And despite being: "sober as a judge". The heavy set mayor took a tumble down his sisters stairs and broke his "little piggy".
Now go and google image search 'Rob Ford' and 'piggy'.
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