It's the question that has been on everyone's lips this week: what is happening in the world of Big Brother 11 winner Josie Gibson? Happily for our collective sanity, Lost in Showbiz has the answer. In a shock departure from the usual career options of the former Big Brother contestant – PhD in cognitive dissonance, appointment to the International Trade Law Division of the United Nations Office of Legal Affairs etc – she has chosen to launch her own celebrity perfume.
It's a crowded market, bursting with winning lines including Carlos For Women by Carlos Santana, ideal for any lady who's gazed at Santana on stage – a sweaty man with a moustache and a woolly hat gurning his way through Maria Maria – and thought, "I wish I smelt like him", and those marketed by Italian aristocrat Prince Nicolò Bonconpagni Ludovisi, based on aromas dating back to the 1600s, the 17th century famously being a time when everybody smelled amazing.
Too many celebrity perfumes have already fallen by the wayside, not least Michael Jackson's Heartbeat – which appropriately enough has been discontinued – and Lost in Showbiz's all-time favourite celebrity scent, Svetlana Stalin's Svetlana's Breath, presumably advertised under the slogan "Feel Stalin's Breath on your neck, as indeed an estimated 1 million Russians did shortly before being executed in the Great Purge."
Getting the right title is obviously a treacherous business. You don't want to end up trying to flog a perfume with a name that conveys something other than you intended it to, like Tramp or Trench – which may well be, as its manufacturers claim, an "explosion of citrus notes blended with delicate red berries, balanced with purest rose", but somehow seems redolent of sewage pipes – or Lenthéric's incredible-sounding Junkie, or indeed Greece's answer to Lynx, which is called Str8t, apparently in a desperate attempt to convince Lost in Showbiz's countrymen that personal hygiene isn't intrinsically the domain of the homosexual.
Luckily, Josie is there before us: she held a competition for OK! magazine's readers to come up with a suitable name. Thus marshalled, Britain's greatest minds set to the task. After much deliberation, the winner has been revealed: the quicksilver brain that came up with the idea of calling it "Josie". Any businesses desperate for some lateral out-of-the-box thinking will now know where to find it.
