"He's Scottish. He's called Gordon. He's the new prime minister of showbiz!" announces today's Sun, coming over all Alan Partridge for a bit. Meet Gordon Smart - the new editor of Bizarre.
You can tell he's new because there is a giant full-length picture of Smart adorning today's double page showbiz spread, together with a "manifesto" helpfully telling readers what he is going to write about.
It turns out Smart's Bizarre will involve celebrity sleaze and Z-listers wearing very little. A radical departure from the past, then.
"The next Oasis, Peter Kay and James McAvoy will be unveiled by this new regime," promises Smart.
Along with his "manifesto", Smart also reveals his "cabinet" - let's hope Sun readers are keeping up with this tortuous political analogy - his deputy Danielle Lawler, Pete Samson ("office of minister of music") and Jenna Good.
Mercifully he stops short of asking for readers' votes.
But despite the new manifesto today's stories feel distinctly familiar, with Cheryl Cole going out on the town and Amy Winehouse looking a bit worse for wear.
Smart's first lead story lets readers in on the secret that Manchester United players will have a Moroccan Christmas bash. No, they're not actually going to Morocco - it's a Moroccan themed party at Old Trafford.
Elsewhere, Ed O'Brien goes camping on his stag do. Now this IS something new. Sun readers could be forgiven for not knowing who O'Brien is - he has appeared in the paper only twice before, outside of the birthday column. I am still trying to work out if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
"The Sun are clearly selling him as a foxy young heart-throb to appeal to the female readership with his glammy full length photo," is one hack's verdict on his opening column. But why is he doing that funny thing with his hands? Covering up his wedding ring?
Smart succeeds Victoria Newton, promoted to head of features and entertainment at the Sun in a management shake-up a fortnight ago. It has been quite a rise for Smart, who joined the Sun from the Scottish Sun about four years ago and was described by editor Rebekah Wade as a "new young star".
"Cheers to All Saints, Richard James, Paul Smith, Belstaff and John Varvatos for the clobber," adds Smart in today's column. For the clobber? For his giant picture by-line? He is barely wearing enough items of clothing to justify such a long list of credits. Maybe I'm forgetting the pants.
