Name: Strictly Come Dancing results.
Age: 15 years.
Appearance: Sparkly. Controversial.
Yeah, I think I know this one. It’s about how everyone who goes on the BBC dance contest ends up splitting from their actual life partner after copping off with their dance partner. It takes two to cha-cha-cheat … No, that’s the Strictly Curse. A thing, undeniably, just not this thing. This is about the results.
What’s controversial about them? Well, most recently, in the Halloween-themed show last weekend, Catherine Tyldesley was booted off.
Who? She’s an actor, formerly of Coronation Street. And you’re an out of touch, elitist snob.
No, I did see it, really. Catherexit. Her and her dance partner Johannes Radebe’s cha-cha-cha was a disgrace, more akin to the haka. Maybe it wasn’t their finest moment, agreed. But some people thought they weren’t the worst of the show and shouldn’t have been eliminated.
Who thought that? Most significantly, two of the judges – Motsi Mabuse and Bruno Tonioli – thought that Mike Bushell and Katya Jones, against whom Tyldesley and Radebe were competing in the dance-off, should have gone. Craig Revel Horwood gave Catherine’n’Johannes the red card, though, as did Shirley Ballas, and hers was the deciding vote. Off! Off! Off!
Hang on, I’m no mathematician, but that sounds like a 50-50 split, doesn’t it? Even more split that a 52-48 split. Don’t even go there. Procedure was followed, Strictly (!) speaking. The decision should be respected.
I’m guessing it isn’t? No.
Who doesn’t respect it? The people.
Oh God, not them again. What do they know? That Tyldesley danced consistently better than Bushell throughout the series, that the wrong person was sent home, and they have taken to all the usual channels to express their disgust. Some have even suggested Bushell was spared because he works for the corporation. His wife has begged Strictly fans to stop abusing him.
What do they – the fans – want, a people’s vote? Don’t! And there is a public phone vote, of course, also not without controversy or scandal.
Go on! It’s about another contestant, Emma Weymouth, Viscountess Weymouth. A manager at Longleat, her Wiltshire stately home, apparently told staff that any calls they made voting for the lady of the house would be reimbursed (although no one acted on the request). And if they didn’t vote for her, they’d be fed to the lions … only kidding, Longleat lawyers.
Any evidence of collusion with Russia? Or Cambridge Analytica involvement? Copying in @carolecadwalla.
Do say: “Da dada da da da daaaaaagghhh.” (That’s the theme, obviously, but going dark and controversially off-key at the end.)
Don’t say: “How about VAR next season?”
