A HARD SHANE’S A-GONNA’ FALL
There’s a thin line between comedy and tragedy, supposedly. That’s what someone much smarter than the Fiver once said, anyway. But, displaying the formidable mixture of arrogance and bluster that has got us to the lofty heights of bashing out half-baked snark about people much more successful than us every day, we think that smarter person is wrong. There is, on occasion, no line at all. Take Shane Duffy, for example. The Blackeye Rovers defender has had quite a week, so let’s take it step-by-step. On Saturday, Duffy scored an own-goal in Blackburn’s 3-0 defeat to Wigan, diverting a cross into his own net, following the ball into the net by falling over himself while trying to rectify that error, failing and instead kicking the air like a giddy newborn baby. Duffy then, as you might expect, received some ‘feedback’ on the internet about this, enough ‘feedback’ that he deleted his Twitter account. Enough to keep anyone busy, but he was very far from done there.
Then on Tuesday, news emerged that Duffy (and colleague Ben Marshall) had turned down a new contract from Blackeye Rovers, offered after several bids for the defender were rejected over the summer. “I’ve spoken to both lads extensively,” said manager Owen Coyle, unwittingly providing an explanation for why they had decided against committing themselves to the club. “The only thing they can affect is their play on the field … because if you don’t perform well on the field, who’s going to want to come and buy you anyway?” Well, quite so. And Duffy took those words to heart and set about proving Coyle’s point on Wednesday night, in his own special way.
For Duffy put in a masterclass of buffoonery, a lesson in incompetence, the standard to which all future gaffe-merchants should aim. Not only did he score an own-goal to give Cardiff the lead in the 15th minute, rifling into the bottom corner with nary an attacker in sight. Not only did he score another own-goal five minutes later, a bullet header from a cross that left his goalkeeper with absolutely no chance and his team-mates wondering why the lovechild of Bobo the Clown and William Prunier was playing at centre-half. Not only that, but he then got himself sent off in potentially the most brainless manner possible, wellying the ball at an opponent’s tail in frustration, five minutes into injury time. Reports that Blackeye’s opponents on Saturday, Burton Albion, are appealing against Duffy’s subsequent suspension cannot currently be confirmed.
“I’m not going to stand here and single out players,” said Coyle after the game, rolling out the sort of understandable platitude that managers fall back upon, in order to make whoever effed up feel better. But on this occasion Coyle would have been entirely justified in saying: “I am going to stand here and single out players. Specifically, the bloke who scored two own-goals and got sent off pointlessly. Him. That guy. I’m standing here and I’m singling him out.” Coyle did describe Duffy as not “being at his best”, a Hall of Fame calibre understatement, and noted that speculation linking his hapless player with other, bigger, shinier clubs might have “turned his head”, but it looks very much like that speculation hasn’t so much turned his head as spun it right round, like a record baby, right round.
Still, at least one positive can be taken from the whole sorry experience, as Duffy has now almost certainly solved the problem of being distracted by interest from other clubs. Every cloud, and all that.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Football is a wonderful sport and it cannot be stuck in the past. If the authorities are not willing to evolve, it is one giant sh!t” – Barça boss Luis Enrique gets fresh and funky with his language over the scheduling of the Spanish Super Cup before La Liga’s big kick-off.
LUCRATIVE COMEBACK OF THE DAY
13 June 2016: “I feel that the joy, the flame and the desire are no longer strong enough for me” – John Arne Riise announces his retirement due to a lack of desire.
18 August 2016: “We are delighted to have signed John as our marquee player for the 2016 ISL” – kerching! John Arne Riise rediscovers his de$ire at Chennaiyin FC.
FIVER LETTERS
“In response to David Sutherland’s prediction that Yaya Touré could end up an invisible six (yesterday’s letters), may I speak for many Blackeye Rovers fans in saying we all pray that Shane Duffy stops playing as a trojan nine” – Ferg Slade.
“Unlike David Sutherland, I’m quite for the innovative new positions of Pep’s Manchester City. I am disappointed that the Fiver is not pointing out the brilliance of Guardiola in positioning Joe Hart in his true role as a Do One” – Connor Flanagan.
“All you Premier League fans moaning about the cost of tickets and travel, take note: I paid more than 20 quid to watch my local team Sheffield United play in League One. We were three-nil down within 15 mins… against Southend United… managed by Phil Brown … who have a player with his own name tattooed across his forehead. You get what you pay for I suppose”– Dan Makeham.
“If Riyad Mahrez really did end his hints about his future with the words ‘… it definitely makes you think, if you understand what I am trying to say’, then full marks to him for referencing a classic of British comedy from a distant time back in the last century. With luck he may have tapped the side of his nose and given an outrageous wink. How Leicester City fans will be laughing” – Charles Antaki.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ferg Slade.
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BITS AND BOBS
1,057 pedants would probably say there isn’t irony to be found in Liverpool boss Jürgen Klopp’s strong defence of Alberto Moreno but the Fiver would like to argue otherwise. “I’ve said a number of times that I don’t have any interest in criticising players,” he growled at various hacks who do have an interest in criticising players.
Joe Hart is definitely going to stay at Manchester City … unless he decides he wants to go. Hmm.
After signing a new contract, Riyad Mahrez is definitely going to stay at Leicester … unless he decides he wants to go.
Aston Villa have snapped up Crystal Palace’s Australian midfielder Mile Jedinak on a three-year deal.
West Ham’s record signing André Ayew is set for a lengthy spell on the sidelines after suffering thigh-knack on his debut. “André is facing a significant rehabilitation period,” trilled a club doctor.
After walloping Honduras 6-0 in the semis, Brazil will face Germany in the Big Sports Day football final. Woof! Great Britain meanwhile, aren’t allowed to play at Big Sports Day … and England’s head coach Mark Sampson says ‘no fair’. “I believe this team would have won the gold medal,” he blubbed.
Newcastle’s erm, Rafa-lution, is up and running thanks to £10m (TEN MILLION) man Dwight Gayle and his goals against Reading.
The Queen’s Celtic are closing in on the group stages of Big Cup despite a scare in preliminary round No65,597.
And don’t expect much from Paul Pogba, honks José Mourinho.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires on ... Hope Solo’s inglorious exit from Big Sports Day.
Floating football brain in a jar Jonathan WIlson outdoes himself in analysing Manchester City’s first two matches under Pep Guardiola. Featuring a 4-1-4-1-cum-W-M formation, free eights and Nat Lofthouse.
Paolo Bandini downloaded some of the Italian football knowledge stored in his head into this article so that Big Website had a Serie A preview to flog. Whisper it, but Juve might be in the mix.
Big Paper exclusive alert! Valencia’s new winger Nani gets his chat on with David Hytner and talks David Moyes, new Manchester United contracts and growing up in the dodgy part of Lisbon.
Meet Henry Farrell – the man who helped put the exclamation marks in USA! USA!! USA!!! at Big Sports Day.
And Joe Hart has got the funk on with Pep and he’s going to go out on loan from Manchester City. That’ll show ‘em, reckons today’s Rumour Mill.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
