The Spin always likes to look on the bright side, so let's begin our last email of 2007 with the most generous possible assessment of the last 12 months: yes, it's been a so-so year for England. But, heck, they beat West Indies in the Tests, and - as Busking Half-Brother Spin always used to point out as he was led away for the umpteenth time by the law - the show must go on. Which is why this column has decided to proceed regardless with its annual awards ceremony, the One The Players Talk About. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you... The Spins!
The Chisel and Abacus Award for Services to One-Day Batting Luddism
Where were you when Michael Vaughan and Ian Bell decided that the best way to win what was in effect a World Cup quarter-final against South Africa, one of the few teams more likely to choke than England, was to treat the first few overs as an extended net? By the time Bell miscued a pull in the eighth over, England had not even reached double-figures, and the Spin was preparing the obituary. Nothing summed up Team Fletcher's one-day intransigence more damningly than this, except perhaps for the sniggers of the rest of the world's press in the media centre at Bridgetown. Yes, it was a proud day all right.
The Graham Poll Three Yellow-Card Trick for Inept Officialdom
How many elite umpires and match officials does it take to ensure that a World Cup already creaking under the weight of its own obesity ends in an explosion of Mr Creosote-like awfulness? Er, five, apparently. Still, at least the erroneous insistence that Australia bowl three more overs to the Sri Lankans in the dark allowed the ICC to flex its muscle and ban the offending officials from the World Twenty20. After years of dithering on less crucial matters such as Zimbabwe, it was an in-no-way misplaced show of strength.
The God, No, Not Again Rosette for Groundhog Day Horror
The Spin often bores strangers in pubs about the merits of the four- and five-Test series, but was it alone in doing an uncanny impersonation of The Scream when Daren Ganga, buzzing after scores of 5, 9, 5 and 0 at Headingley and Old Trafford, expertly tucked the first ball of the fourth Test at Chester-le-Street into Alastair Cook's hands at short leg? Losing 5-0 to Australia was bad enough; beating West Indies 3-0 came a close second.
The Why Do I Bother Bucket and Mop for Selfless Houskeeping
After scouring its notes from the West Indies series, the Spin can confirm that Shivnarine Chanderpaul was "crab-like" during his one-man show in England. It's just a shame his team-mates could only be compared to assorted invertebrates. In five Test innings, Chanderpaul poked, prodded and scuttled sideways to scores of 74, 50, 116*, 136* and 70, which meant he passed 50 as many times as all his colleagues put together.
The Elixir of Youth Goblet for Things You Shouldn't Be Able To Do At 38
The Spin once had an embarrassing conversation in a crowded bar in Perth with Ottis Gibson in which the old man's hearing proved to be a notch above your young column's. (Tip to reader: if, after the third repetition, you still can't hear what the other person is saying, don't whatever you do just nod and smile; he might be telling you you're a bumbling idiot.) And to rub salt into our weeping wound, his bowling is pretty good too, at least if figures of 17.3-1-47-10 for Durham against Hampshire are to be believed. There have even been rumours coming out of Sri Lanka that he has been the most dangerous bowler in the nets. Ottis, start acting your age!
The Elixir of Youth Goblet for Things You Shouldn't Be Able To Do At 37
What, wonder the denigrators, is county cricket for (if you ignore for a moment the small matter of providing a breeding-ground for the Test team)? Mark Ramprakash, that's what: 2,026 championship runs at an average of 101 and a conversion rate (10 hundreds, four fifties) fit for the Gods. When the Spin saw Ramps dance like Fred Astaire's more talented older brother on the BBC's Sports Personality of the Year Awards the other week, it was tempted to wonder about the justice of it all. But 'tis the season to be jolly and all that, so well done Ramps and keep going.
The Michael Vaughan Cardboard Cut-Out for References in the Third Person
The winner is Michael Vaughan, whose habit of talking about some character called Michael Vaughan - careful, Michael, he seems to be vying for your role as England captain - has apparently spread to the tea ladies at Worcester ("No, Ethel cannot provide you with an extra dollop of whipped cream"; "Yes, Margery is most disappointed with her latest batch of cheese twirls"). Look out for a late attempt by Michael Vaughan to consolidate Michael Vaughan's position if Michael Vaughan scores a century at Galle.
The Hokey Kokey Prize for Going In and Out of the Pavilion
The Spin yields to very few in its admiration for Kevin Pietersen (apart from members of the Pietersen clan and Pietersen himself), but it can't help feeling he reserved his least assured footwork of the year for two walks back to the pavilion: at Lord's v India and in Colombo recently. On the first occasion, he was alerted to a dodgy catch by his team-mates on the balcony; on the second, it was the gasp among the travelling England fans that briefly encouraged him to retrace his steps. Cricket needs to sort out its relationship with technology.
The Hell Hath No Fury Trophy for Swift Revenge
England might think twice before regaining the Ashes in 2009. Look what's happened since they last muscled in on Australia's territory: Ricky Ponting's boys have won 18 Tests out of 19 and a World Cup, which makes their defeat to Zimbabwe in the World Twenty20 one of the aberrations of the sporting year. And now some of them want to play Tests in the dark just to make things more interesting ...
The Hell Hath No Fury Trophy for Swift Revenge II
Yuvraj Singh was damned if he was going to be remembered as the bloke who was hit for five sixes in five balls by Dimitri Mascarenhas, so he calmly went one better, taking 36 off Stuart Broad at the World Twenty20 as Mascarenhas watched helplessly from the outfield. Among contemporary cricketers, only Andrew Symonds and Jacob Oram can hit the ball so far, so regularly. And neither looks quite as arrogantly dismissive as Yuvraj while doing it.
The Frank Sinatra Golden Mic for Most Stirring Comeback
During the round of publicity interviews he did for his book, Duncan Fletcher argued far from convincingly that he did not blunder by failing to give more than a single Test to Ryan Sidebottom, because the Louis XIV/Roger Daltrey lookalike was not quick enough back in 2001. Wrong: he simply didn't know how to swing the ball. Since then, he has even proved he was not a one-trick pony bred merely for England's green pastures. And he even wins an extra prize for those random shows of aggression which leave batsmen unsure whether to flinch or smirk.
The Victor Meldrew Slap Around the Chops for Mealy-Mouthed Praise
When Muttiah Muralitharan broke Shane Warne's Test-wicket record at Kandy, the ex-pros were falling over each other not to shower him with compliments for one of sport's greatest feats of endurance. The consensus was that concerns over Murali's action would always cast a bent-elbow-shaped shadow over his stats, which was a cowardly way of accusing him of chucking. Folks, the laws are as they are and Murali operates within them. If you want to pick a fight, try the lawmakers.
The Sigmund Freud Leather Couch for Honest Self-Assessment
People generally say what they like about Steve Harmison, but at least he says what he likes about Steve Harmison too. This, prior to the Sri Lanka Tests, was a rare gem of refreshment in a world of guarded cliché: "If I'm supposed to be in the side for line-and-length consistency, I shouldn't be." Here's to more of the same in 2008. Happy Christmas!
Extract taken from the Spin, Guardian Unlimited's weekly take on the world of cricket. Subscribe now, it's free.
