THIS CAN’T BE A GOUDA THING
The Fiver have been clean 28 days, six hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds. That’s how long it’s been since we ate our last bit of ill-smelling cheese. It was one bite too many and prompted a sickening Twin Peaks-themed dream in which we looked in the mirror, saw Brian Kilcline staring back, and could not stop shouting “How’s Granny Fiver?” All of which makes it a particularly sadistic decision by The Man to ask us to write about the special cheese lounge at Spurs’ new stadium!
The H Club, which costs £15,000 to join, will have Michelin-starred chefs, a special selection of half-time cheeses and chalkboard analysis with Gregg Wallace. The Fiver is not so much nouveau riche as vieux skint, so we prefer a bit of Ginsters therapy of a weekend. But our wealthy cousin, Burning Fivers, loves this gastrofooty development. The day can’t come soon enough for him to be able to watch the boys while supping on a Flat White made with Monmouth beans and flavoured with a soupçon of nutmeg. And he is positively euphoric that he’ll no longer have to eat any of that ghastly processed chicken that wreaks havoc with his peptic ulcer.
On the field, Tottenham – pick this contrived segue out – want to wreak havoc with Pep. Mauricio Pochettino’s adorable team are basically a coming-of-age film disguised as a football team, and their latest intrepid adventure is a trip to take on Manchester City at the Etihad. In reality, this weekend will just be another reminder of the inescapable futility of trying to catch an Antonio Conte side, but let’s not dwell on that. City, symbolised by their under-siege keeper Bravo Four Zero, deserve far more credit for so effectively lightening the mood of the nation in these dark times. They can also call on £27m teenager Gabriel Jesus, who is available for the first time and may replace Sergio Agüero. It all has the whiff of something special. Mind you, so did that last bit of cheese.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Mr Becchetti did not like the fan protests because at the beginning of the season everyone, supporters included, praised the club for their summer transfer business. Thereafter Mr Becchetti doesn’t play on Saturday” – Leyton Orient chief suit Alessandro Angelieri releases a shambling statement, the gist of which is that some toys have been ejected from a pram and the club is up for sale.
RALLYING CRY OF THE DAY
“I’d be kidding you on if I said the players we’re hoping to bring in this month are going to make a big difference because, first of all, we probably couldn’t get that level of player and, secondly, we probably wouldn’t have the finances to do that. To suggest that a player we might bring in would be making a big difference would not be correct” – fun times for David Moyes at Sunderland.
FIVER LETTERS
“Is Pep Guardiola the first man in Christendom to sign a Jesus (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) in a Hail Mary reaction to a post-Christmas slump, having already banished his Joseph, somewhat Hart-lessly, into exile?” – Justin Kavanagh.
“With Jesús Navas already at the club, could we say that Manchester City’s newly registered Brazilian is the second coming?” – Michael Glogower.
“Is Emmanuel Adebayor telling people he’s ‘humble’ (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) the ultimate humble brag?” – Alex Roy.
“Has Ben Jones (yesterday’s letters) confused The Fiver with The Knowledge? How?” – Andrew Tate.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Alex Roy.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The sports foundation at the heart of the Millwall FC compulsory purchase battle has been making false claims of having a £2m funding agreement from Sport England during the ongoing CPO process. They also managed to record the 1980s cartoon superhero Bananaman’s address as their own on their official website.
The organisers of the 2022 World Cup in Qatar have announced a British man has died while working on one of the tournament’s venues.
Fifa technical director Marco van Basten reckons football should consider bundling the offside rule through the door marked Do One, producing a spectacular funk in the Rennes area. “This is the worst cr@p I have read in a long time and yet I did not read it wrong. It’s immeasurable bull$hit,” fumed their coach Christian Gourcuff. “We would return to the time of village versus village, and at the time it ended with players being killed.”
Southampton captain José Fonte is set to join West Ham for £8m which, and The Fiver can’t confirm it just yet, is probably the record fee for a 78-year-old.
Norway defender Omar Elabdellaoui is rejoining his former club boss Marco Silva at Hull City on loan from Olympiakos, although the Tigers are losing Jake Livermore to West Brom for £10m. “It is never good when we lose an important player, but it was a good proposal for the player and the club,” cheered Silva. “It is important to bring in funds.”
Henri Lansbury has hot-footed it across the midlands to Aston Villa after Nottingham Forest accepted an offer of £2.75m for their hairy captain.
Will someone at Fifa just give Jürgen Klopp a call? “I don’t have an update [on Joel Matip],” he sniffed. “Fifa mentioned to us Friday would be D-day. The Matip case is obviously, for us, special and we do not feel it is fair.”
Lyon chief suit Jean-Michel Aulas reckons Memphis Depay is champing at the bit to show his “immense talent”, something he hid brilliantly well in his time at Manchester United. “It [is] a dream,” whooped Aulas. “He has a certain panache.”
And if Manchester City have a moral compass it probably went spinning out of control when the club coughed up £175,000 to secure Southend’s 13-year-old Finley Burns last week. “There were four or five Premier League clubs after Finley in the end and it’s extremely difficult to keep hold of a boy once that happens,” blared Southend youth coach Ricky Duncan.
STILL WANT MORE?
“I used to have Domino’s all the time and ice creams from Baskin Robbins … I had fat cheeks. I wasn’t as ripped as footballers are. I’ve learned to cook, I’ve got Lean in 15 cookbooks – I even make my own sauces.” Bournemouth’s Ryan Fraser chews the, um, fat with Stuart James on the issue of being big-boned, his “Wee Man” nickname and how it’s hard to tell Eddie Howe and Pep Guardiola apart.
Michael Butler bathes in the muddy, pig-ugly glory of the goalmouth scramble in this week’s Joy of Six.
Jesus coming to Manchester City’s rescue and nine other things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend. Hallelujah!
Ah, but Jonathan Wilson reckons there’s already a new saviour in town. His name’s Sadio Mané and, after his Afcon gift from God, he’s only gone and heightened expectations in Senegal.
One for the Moyesiah, here: what must the Premier League’s bottom four do to emerge from the filth? Dominic Fifield, Louise Taylor and Stuart James tell all.
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