Dreading your work Christmas party this year? You’re not alone. It has been reported that some of us hate office parties so much that we’ll invent a “social sickie” – a convenient minor illness – to get out of them. As a chronic sufferer of social sickies (I’ve managed to dodge all work Christmas parties since 2011), allow me to pass on any and all symptoms of this terrible condition:
1. The first symptoms of a social sickie will often knock you sideways when you receive your invitation to the party. However, they may also strike you down when you’re dressed and at your front door, when you suddenly realise that you’re going to miss something quite good on TV.
2. Social sickies can be brought on by any of the following: a realisation that you’ll be expected to dance, seeing the words “till late” on the invitation, fear of being trapped in a corner by the world’s dullest man like you were last year, or a sudden understanding that you only put up with these bloody people because you’re paid to.
3. If you primarily communicate with your employer in person, your first symptom will involve looking sad and holding your head whenever you meet their eye on the day of the party.
4. If you primarily communicate with your employer by phone, a social sickie will affect your speaking voice on the day of the party.
5. If you primarily communicate with your employer by email, a social sickie will make you type everything in lower case, because that makes it look as if you’re so ill that you can’t hold the shift key down.
6. If you really must go out on the night of your Christmas do – maybe to see a friend in a pub for medical advice – make sure the pub is nowhere near the party venue. Otherwise, you will definitely be spotted.
7. It is important to remember what illness you have, so that you can describe it later. Failure to do so may result in you blurting out: “I fell asleep,” in a panic when your boss asks where you were. As someone who used this excuse for missing the Guardian Christmas party in 2013, I can promise you that this doesn’t work.
8. The day after the Christmas party, expect to receive treatment in the form of nobody even noticing that you didn’t show up. Secretly, this will hurt.
