Knowing the signs of domestic violence could help you spot a friend or family member who needs your help.
According to the Office for National Statistics one in every four women experiences domestic violence in her lifetime and every week two women are killed by their partners every week.
We have spoken to domestic violence charities to help you support your friends and family who are suffering abuse behind closed doors.
The signs to look out for
Welsh Women's Aid say that if you family member report any of the following behaviours this could be signs of domestic abuse. Bear in mind these lists are not ehaustive.
Destructive criticism and verbal abuse : shouting, mocking, accusing, name calling and verbally threatening someone.
Pressure tactics:
- Sulking
- Threatening to withhold money
- Disconnecting the phone and internet
- Taking away or destroying their mobile, tablet or laptop
- Taking the car away
- Taking the children away
- Threatening to report them to the police, social services or the mental health team unless they comply with his demands
- Threatening or attempting self-harm and suicide
- Lying to their friends and family about them
Disrespect : This can include not listening or responding when they talk, interrupting their telephone calls,; taking money from their purse without asking or refusing to help with childcare or housework.
Breaking trust : Lying to them, withholding information, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
Isolation : Monitoring or blocking their phone calls, e-mails and social media accounts, telling them where you can and cannot go, preventing them from seeing friends and relatives.
Harassment : following them, checking up on them; not allowing them any privacy, embarrassing them in public or accompanying them everywhere you go.
Threats : Making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting them down, destroying possessions, breaking things, punching walls, threatening to kill or harm them and the children, threatening to kill or harm family pets and threats of suicide.
Sexual violence: Using threats or intimidation to make them perform sexual acts, having sex with them when tjeu don’t want it, forcing them to look at pornographic material and forcing you to have sex with other people.
Physical violence: This can include - punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling, pinning them down, holding them by the neck, restraining them.
Denial : The perpetrator saying the abuse doesn’t happen, saying they caused the abuse; saying they wind him up, saying he can’t control his anger, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness and saying it will never happen again.
What should you do?
According to Welsh Women's Aid, though your first instinct may be to protect your friend directly intervening can be dangerous for both them and you.
Listen and believe them
Let them know that you are concerned, and that you are there to help. Listen to what they say and let them see you are supportive and that you believe them.
All too often people are not believed when they first disclose their abuse.
Recognise that even if the abuse may have happened a long time ago you may be the first person they have felt able to talk to about it.
For example, it can take survivors a long time to recognise and/or feel safe to talk about sexual violence, they will do it at a time that is right for them.
Be understanding, try not to criticise them, the abuser or the relationship. Focus on the abuse and their safety.
Be supportive
Show that you support them, and don’t judge them. Help to explore all their options, such as finding appropriate specialist support.
This can be really difficult, as if the abuse is from someone they know, they may choose to remain in the relationship while you think they should leave or go to the police.
It’s important that you support them to make their own informed choices by finding out what the options are and what support is available.
Focus on supporting them and building their self-confindence.
Acknowledge their strengths and frequently remind them that they are coping well with a challenging and stressful situation.
Domestic violence and children
It can be difficult to tell if domestic abuse is happening and those carrying out the abuse can act very different when other people are around. Children and young people might also feel frightened and confused, keeping the abuse to themselves.
The NSPCC has offered guidelines on how to spot children who may have experienced violence or abuse in their home, and what you can do about it.
Signs that a child has witnessed domestic abuse can include:
aggression or bullyin
anti-social behaviour, like vandalism
anxiety, depression or suicidal thoughts
attention seeking
bed-wetting, nightmares or insomnia
constant or regular sickness, like colds, headaches and mouth ulcers
drug or alcohol use
eating disorders
problems in school or trouble learning
tantrums
withdrawal.
If a child talks to you about domestic abuse it’s important to:
listen carefully to what they’re saying
let them know they’ve done the right thing by telling you
tell them it’s not their fault
say you’ll take them seriously
don’t confront the alleged abuser
explain what you’ll do next
report what the child has told you as soon as possible.
