DERBY DAY
On Saturday, as so often in recent years, an awestruck gaggle of tourists will totter along to Anfield, grin for some commemorative snaps and treat themselves to branded crockery or garden furniture from the club shop. Then they will spend 90-plus minutes sampling, but not properly enjoying, the live match-day experience before the referee blows for full-time and they file off the pitch and back on to the Everton team bus, their heads hung low and their backsides ablaze. That’s pretty much how the Merseyside derby has gone in the 21st century, a period of history in which we have found ice on Mars and grown human ears on rats but Everton haven’t mustered a win at Anfield.
Since the last time Everton left Anfield with three points, Liverpool have been beaten at home by the likes of Grimsby Town, Barnsley, Northampton Town and even Tottenham Hotspur. Everton fans have to cast their minds all the way back to 1999 to find an occasion when they returned from the home of their neighbours with the sweet gloating of victory blaring loudly from their mouths, and that was after a match in which Liverpool were so stretched that they ended up having to deploy Stan “Steve” Staunton as a goalkeeper.
The hosts are in something of a crisis again this time, seemingly with little option but to entrust goalkeeping duties to Simon Mignolet. What is more, Liverpool will be deprived of Adam Lallana, who may be out of action for up to a month as he tries to recover from the excitement of the international break. And Jordan Henderson will not be available to Jürgen Klopp either, as the German revealed on Friday that his captain “has had a little setback” while attempting to regain fitness after foot-knack.
But don’t talk to Everton about knack woes. They lost Ramiro Funes Mori to a knee-gah during the international break, while James McCarthy suffered hamstring-twang and Séamus Coleman was mowed down by Neil Taylor’s untimely impression of a man playing football in a bobsleigh. All things considered, The Fiver could make a plausible case for either side winning this showdown between the sides placed fourth and seventh in the best league in England. But the safest prediction, surely, is that for once Liverpool and Everton’s players will do their utmost to ensure the referee of the Merseyside derby has no cause to flourish any red cards.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I had a Dacia Duster, it had a floppy top and looked like an old war truck. I remember Joe Royle pulling me in the office one day and saying: ‘What the [eff’s] that outside? You can’t be coming in in that.’ I said: ‘Joe, I either had central heating or a nice car. And central heating won’” – Brian Kilcline makes for a stupendously entertaining interview in this zinger of a chat with Stuart James, talking all things Coventry, arm-wrestling Kanu and why he lives with a nine-metre-long metal dragon.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
A cracking film this, as Paul MacInnes visits the red and blue halves of Merseyside.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I noticed in yesterday’s Fiver that Tryggvi Kristjánsson has won consecutive prizeless letter o’the day awards. For some reason I think Noble Francis has eclipsed that streak with three. Can you confirm that Noble Francis or some other hopeless soul/Fiver reader (and letter contributor) with nothing better to do with their time has made it to three in a row, or better?” – Steven Mintz.
“Re: yesterday’s Bits and Bobs. Nowadays at Leyton Orient, Manager of the Month is a job title and not an award” – John De la Cruz.
“I didn’t realise yesterday’s Fiver was going to be a press conference special. You should have included this belter after Wednesday’s Hibs v Morton goalless draw, in which nothing of note happened until the last minute. Neil Lennon’s barely disguised rage is something to behold” – James Atkinson.
“Re: yesterday’s Fiver. Only our beloved Fiver can plumb the depths of reporting ‘no news’ as actual ‘news’, while simultaneously trying to backchat the fact ‘no news’ constitutes ‘some news’ in order to fill up enough copy to get an issue out the door (just) before 5pm. Bravo. The irony of me doing exactly the same thing in order to look like I’m busy in the office hasn’t been lost” – Marc Lawrie.
“I’ve been following The Fiver for a few months now and have had to resist the temptation to correct you on a few occasions. Some mistakes are easy to make, however, on this occasion, I just can’t stop myself from writing in. You have done something that is totally unforgivable. Gareth McAuley is not 82 years old (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). He is in fact older, having turned 83 in December, making him the second oldest player in Premier League history, behind only Diego Costa, 148” – Billy Bliss.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Billy Bliss.
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BITS AND BOBS
Saido Berahino claims he failed a drugs test because someone spiked his drink in a trendy nightspot. “You go on a night out, you don’t know who you are around and there are people who are out to get you,” he tooted. “To be banned for something you haven’t done is hard to take. To this day, I still cannot understand who would want to do that to me.”
Now that Bastian Schweinsteiger has done one across the Atlantic, José Mourinho feels bad for how he treated the German, blubbing: “The last thing I told him before he left … ‘I was not right with you once, I have to be right with you now’. I will miss a good guy, a good professional, a good influence in training – a very good influence.”
Fifa has handed over 20,000 pieces of evidence after its 22-month internal investigation into alleged corruption and fraud came to an end.
Born from an egg on a mountain top, Monchi has finally called time on Sevilla. “I haven’t signed any deal with anyone but Roma have shown the most interest in me,” he yelled.
It’s the end of an international break, so Everton boss Ronald Koeman is having a dig at Republic O’Ireland manager Martin O’Neill. “James [McCarthy] had an injury when he reported for duty last week,” he trilled. “Our medical team made the Ireland medical team aware of this, of course. But, of course, James has a strong desire to play for his country. So, when asked if he was fit to play, he said he felt he was fit, and he was selected to start the game by the Ireland manager who, in my opinion, in this instance was not protecting the player.”
And Watford have triggered a clause to nail on-loan Toffees midfielder Tom Cleverley down to a permanent five-year deal. “I believe it’s a sign of our ambition to recruit the highest calibre of player,” whooped Watford suit Scott Duxbury.
STILL WANT MORE?
Chelsea defender Dave has a right chin-wag with Sid Lowe.
Neymar is destined for greatness, not the Premier League, predicts Barney Ronay.
Are Manchester United better off without Zlatan Ibrahimovic? One of 10 thinkers before the weekend’s Premier League action.
Jürgen Klopp faces a midfield juggling act against Everton but Alberto Moreno might just hold the answer, reckons Andy Hunter in one of his things to look out for in the Merseyside derby.
Romelu Lukaku’s old-fashioned battering-ram style would have racked up goals in any era, writes Jonathan Wilson.
Now $tevie Mbe has done one, what hope for a Galáctico-less LA Galaxy? Some hope, proffers Matt Pentz.
Virgil van Dijk is a wanted man and Chelsea are head of the queue, if today’s Mill is to be believed.
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