In the first few days, I felt I was still getting to know my show. I knew what all the words were, and what order they came in, but the show and I hadn't really got to know each other. Other languages have two different words for those two kinds of knowing, I suspect. But in English we just have to muddle through. On the upside, English is probably the only language that has the phrase "muddle through".
I suppose getting to know the show means getting to know its strengths and weaknesses. Some sections just work. Some need a subtlety of pacing or mood to justify themselves. I don't know if learning these lessons changes the way I perform in a way an audience would notice, or whether the difference is perceptible only to me. But at the end of that process I feel that the show is bedded in.
For example, about five days ago (I forget which exactly - they blur into each other) one of my gigs had a good-sized audience who enjoyed themselves in a mild, undemonstrative fashion. This left me with doubts - maybe there aren't enough bits that are really funny, maybe the jokes are over-complicated and sound more like crossword clues than gags. Maybe, maybe - there is really no end to the different ways you can convince yourself that your material is made up entirely of flaws. Then the day after, there were fewer people in, but their response was positive and vocal. I left thinking that everything was perfect.
The truth is, of course, somewhere between the two. I think it was Terry Venables who said something very wise about English football and the media. (Actually I know it was Venables, but I think you're meant to pretend.) He said that the English papers always behave as though the English team is either the best in the world or the worst - and that, sadly, neither is true. The same relationship exists between your psyche and your show.
At least, that's how it is for the first few days. After that, you get a bit more bullet-proof. I left the venue tonight analysing the audience, not the script. The show doesn't exactly perform itself now, but I no longer wait behind the curtain wondering how on earth I am going to create an hour of entertainment all on my own.
Now my effort turns to finding the stamina to do the next 15 shows - and extracting all the benefit I can out of being at the UK entertainment industry's foremost trade fair. There are people out there, I find myself pondering, who could do my career endless good: I need to find out where they are, what they're thinking, and whether they're busy at 5.45.
