THIS IS ENGLAND
All size is relative. There would be nothing big about an elephant were it not bigger than every other animal, just as there would be nothing big about “Big” Sam Allardyce were he not bigger than every other thing. But he is, which is just as well, given he seems poised to become England manager, a job which has squashed comparative pygmies like Bobby Robson, Sven-Göran Eriksson and Fabio Capello. But, unlike them, Not Insubstantial Samuel is absolutely impervious to the horrors of success and entirely unburdened by the anguish of a job well earned; it is this freedom which makes him the obvious choice for the role.
Nor is that all; Diminutively Challenged Sammy is also a star in his own right, a Prozone-toting love machine with Kevin Davies eyes and Jussi Jääskeläinen tatts, who once managed Bolton to the brink of a Milk Cup final draw with Middlesbrough, only to be foiled at the last by the cruel hand of deserved defeat. Oh, and Steve McClaren. Yes, Steve McClaren, the tactical genius and motivational guru whose dazzling performance at interview foiled our hero last time there was a comparable dearth of candidates for the aforementioned role. And of course, responsibility for this atrocity cannot lie with Notably Proportioned Shmulik, whose only error was to rely on his mastery of PowerPoint, that essential tool of football management and handy vehicle for double entendre in a family newspaper.
Which is to say that Il Grande Samuele cannot be blamed for his failure to impress, just as he cannot be blamed for any of the other things for which he cannot be blamed, which is all of the things. Such as the accusation that his teams were quick to resort to long-ball football and tactics, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth, were the word “truth” to mean something other than the meaning of the word “truth”.
And yet, The Fiver cannot help but be moved by the romance of it all, for Infinitely Infinite Sam-Sam wants to be England manager more than anyone has ever wanted anything. But it is not all about him, far from it; a planet already amazed, obsessed and besotted with the sheer wonder of his giganticism deserves to experience an ego which would redefine all previous human conceptions of size for evermore, Amen.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We need to get to the group stage. That is the reason I came to [the Queen’s] Celtic, to play in [Big Cup] games against the big guns, and we are as good as anybody on our day,” Scott Brown gets his honk on before their Big Cup second qualifying round, first leg with Lincoln Red Imps in Gibraltar.
FIVER LETTERS
“Even disregarding my potential bias as being Portuguese, I am a bit disappointed at the coverage about the Portuguese victory at Euro 2016. Portugal is being pictured as an essentially defensive side. And yet it ended with the same amount of shots as France, having more attempts on target. And if you think it was because of all the extra-time games think again. Portugal, in the group stages, had 63 shots overall with 21 on target, compared to France’s 43 shots with seven on target. You can say Portugal had a poor scoring record, but they were attacking. Iceland’s goalkeeper topped the saves list with 27, 10 of which came in their first game against Portugal. He, also the target of bad press, has ended second in the scoring list and third on the assist list. He has been derided for His Iceland-Portugal analysis (granted, with a wrong choice of words in one interview), yet Didier Deschamps did not take any flak for mentioning that Portugal had one day longer to recover and reached the final with only one victory on 90 minutes (which, by the way, means Portugal played about an hour and half longer than France in these Euros). And I even heard on the Guardian’s podcast that Portugal had an easier route to the final. With two games going to extra-time before the final and with the third group stage game being of vital importance, the Portuguese path to the final was certainly not a walk in the park. Then, with all due respect to the other teams, Croatia, Poland and Wales compared to Republic O’Ireland, Iceland and Germany. With the probable exception of Germany (who had been worn out by Italy – I admit this is a bias stab), I don’t think France had such a tough path to the final. I am not saying Portugal played fantastically well – they did not, but certainly did not play much worse than most of others” – Nuno Almeida.
“Watford seem to be especially proud of their pitch this year” – Andy Myall.
“Re: Adebayo Akinfenwa joining Wycombe (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). United Biscuits are also located on Sands Industrial Estate. Perhaps that’s why the ‘location … played a part’ in his decision to join the mighty Chairboys?” – Ben Graham.
“Re: NME reviews (Fiver letters passim). Upon deciding I had too much money a few months ago, I purchased ye ol’ prog rockers Yes’ post-90125 catalogue. The 1994 album Talk was reviewed by Musician magazine with ‘Shut Up’ (a good summary as it turned out)” – Rob Horan.
“Another review gem was for Depeche Mode’s 1981 magnum opus, Just Can’t Get Enough, which succinctly read: ‘I can, you will.’ This works equally well in reply to: ‘I just can’t see England making the same mistakes at the next tournament’” – Ian Johnston.
“We now live in a world where a front man of one of the finest ever bands – Stiff Little Fingers – writes to The Fiver. Don’t think this can be beaten” – Andy Attwood.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ben Graham.
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BITS AND BOBS
Tottenham are £17m lighter in the pocket but one Vincent Janssen to the good.
Watford’s first-team squad have been ordered to stay together at a hotel during July by new manager Walter Mazzarri. “There has been a lot of bonding but it’s a great bunch of lads,” cheered Jerome Sinclair.
Wayne Rooney says working under José Mourinho will give him extra motivation. Because the £300,000 a week and captaincy of Manchester United hasn’t been conducive? “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit more motivated when a new manager comes in,” he yawned.
The English Women’s Super League is to be switched from a summer to a winter calendar.
Pope’s Newc O’Rangers boss Mark Warburton has agreed a contract extension until 2019. “All the speculation was due to a 12-day holiday. It was no more than that,” he tootled. “‘Why have you not signed?’ Because I was away with the wife for 12 days.”
Hull City boss and poker amateur Steve Bruce wants to sign free agent Hal Robson-Kanu. “We are booked in for talks and to see him in the next few days. Do we intend to offer him a deal? Yes,” he negotiated.
And Bradford City are clearly buying their way out of League One after activating a release clause in Blackpool keeper Colin Doyle’s contract for £1.
STILL WANT MORE?
Jonathan Wilson asks: was Euro 2016 the death of cute, easy on the eye ball-on-the-floor possession football?
Resident cartoonist David Squires has sketched Portugal winning Euro 2016, co-starring Peter Kay and Steve McClaren’s snake.
Good friends Copa90 spent six days carving together a love letter to you: the international football fan, so you don’t have to.
Vote! vote! vote! ... not for the new PM (because you can’t) but for the best goal, team, player and biggest disappointment at Euro 2016.
Back to France, 24 fans have rated their teams at Euro 2016.
If you’re already fed up to the back teeth with that tournament in France, Martin Belam reckons Euro 2020 could struggle to be half as good.
The meatiest Premier League rivalries unravelled, courtesy of Nick Miller.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT TOO!
