This week I witnessed the most excruciatingly boring gig of my life (and I speak as someone who endured Bruce Springsteen at Glastonbury) – Rufus Wainwright's Christmas revue, A Not So Silent Night, at the Royal Albert Hall.
Billed as an "off-the-cuff evening of friends and family", featuring various fun-sounding special guests (Boy George! French & Saunders! Um, Ed Harcourt!), what we actually got was a bizarrely downbeat succession of carols played at funereal pace, punctuated by blasts of hurdy-gurdy, and climaxing in a grim-faced rendition of Happy Xmas (War Is Over) – surely the most depressing Christmas song ever written.
To compound the misery, there was no booze allowed in the main arena. I've sat exams with a more cheerful atmosphere. Indeed, it's difficult to see how the evening could have been any less festive, short of The Grinch himself swaggering onstage and taking a leisurely slash on the monitors.
As I sat in the nosebleed seats, idly wondering if I'd ever enjoy Christmas again, it occurred to me that Wainwright – usually such a magnetic performer – had managed, in just a couple of hours, to rehash pretty much every tiresome live music cliche in existence. It inspired me to come up with a list of seven deadly sins committed by musicians. Let me know if I've missed any other annoying habits that you'd like to see the back of …
1. Not playing the hits
In no other profession is it acceptable to arrogantly disregard the wishes of paying customers. It's like getting a plumber round and him saying, "Look, I know you wanted me to unblock the drain but I didn't fancy it, so I've carved this ornate marble swan instead, yeah?"
2. Introducing the band
Take a bow, random session bloke! You've played the bass with the minimum level of proficiency!
3. Encores
Sigh. Must we all stand here, clapping and stamping and hooting like simpletons? We know you're coming back, we can see you standing in the wings. (In 2009, of course, we have the post-modern, self-aware encore, where bands like Elbow explicitly tell their audience, with a knowing wink, 'OK we're going to pretend to go off now, and you're going to cheer for a bit until we come back'. Like that's an improvement).
4. Inviting family members onstage
Nothing screams "Stampede for the bar!" like the phrase, "I'd like to bring a special someone up to sing this one with me ..."
5. Ditto celebrity mates
What's that, you've brought Pixie Geldof along to flounce about shambolically during the final song?
6. Not having rehearsed
No, please carry on tuning your guitar and tweaking the levels on your delay pedal with your back to the audience. We love it when you do that.
7. Pretending to have not rehearsed
"This is something we just worked out backstage [cue huddled conference with the lead guitarist], how does it go again?" Nice try, but we're not fooled – you said the exact same thing at the Frome Cheese & Grain last Tuesday.
