Difficulties can creep up slowly, and suddenly one person realises they’re doing more than everyone else. Resentment sets in if you feel that you’re landed with more responsibility than your siblings, so try to take the emotion out of the situation and look at it from arm’s length.
Don’t make assumptions: a sibling who appears to have a trouble-free life could be dealing with their own problems. Work or financial worries may also stop someone helping as much as they’d like, and guilt could make them defensive.
Share what’s happening – siblings can’t read your mind or know exactly what’s going on if they live farther away. A WhatsApp group is an excellent way of asking calmly for help.
Assume everyone wants to help. “Mum’s at the eye clinic on Wednesday, Dad has to get his blood pressure checked and they need a big shop. I can take Mum to the clinic. How is everyone else placed?” This group approach helps with anyone who is shirking, as it quickly becomes clear how responsibilities are being shared.
Avoid one-to-one confrontation. Directly flagging up someone else’s inadequacies is counterproductive, as that puts you in the role of organiser, which you don’t want. Ask others what they think needs to be done, make a list together and agree on a fair division of chores.
Work as a team – recognise what can’t be changed and work around it.
• The Supermum Myth by Anya Hayes and Dr Rachel Andrew (Crimson, £12.99)
