What kind of relationship does your new partner want with your child? Have a frank discussion: do they want parental responsibilities, or something looser? They may have their own children to consider – this is just a small piece of a big jigsaw.
Make sure that your relationship is set to last. You don’t want your children to grow attached to a new partner, only for it all to go wrong later. Children in this situation can become mistrustful of people – including you. Concentrate on building a relationship with your child as a solo parent. They are the most important thing.
If you’ve been single for a long time, be aware that your child may feel threatened by someone new. If they’ve had your undivided attention, it may be difficult to share. You don’t want your child to feel pushed out or usurped. Introduce child and partner gradually. Consider your child’s opinions and show you’re listening. It can be threatening to have someone coming into the family home; keep early meetings on neutral territory.
Tailor everything to the age of the child. Younger ones may not be bothered, but an older child may remember a difficult and angry break-up, or be struggling with where their allegiances lie. Remember that no two children will react in the same way.
If you can, talk to your ex, to assure them that their contact with, and access to, their child won’t change. Be transparent, so your child feels they can talk about your new partner when they’re not with you. Show your child that grownups fall out, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t fall in love again.
Advice: Denise Knowles, Relate
