Don’t rush. Be prepared for a long haul. Think about the age of the child you’re trying to bond with. They won’t have asked for this new situation, so try not to threaten the relationship they have with their mother or father – your partner. Give the two of them time and space alone. If you’re getting to know more than one child, spend time with each on their own.
Be authentic. Children can spot insincerity, so don’t worry about being the most exciting person on the planet. Start by spending time with them and showing interest. Listen and watch them play. Wait until they ask for your input: that’s the point where you get down on your hands and knees and engage.
Don’t underestimate the power imbalance. They’re a child. You’re an adult. They have no power, and they know that. Some might automatically feel defensive and frightened. That might mean they look angry, or disengaged, but it doesn’t mean they are. Be careful about asking too many questions – children can find that threatening. Reflect back to them, rather than being demanding.
If possible, extend the hand of solidarity to the child’s other, outsider, parent. Reassure them you want the best for their child and ask how you could achieve that. Be aware they will be jealous of the time you are spending with their child. Work together to develop support, strategies, rules and boundaries.
Be gentle with yourself. They’ll get to know you over time and learn to appreciate you. If you don’t want to play football with them, then don’t. You can hold the water bottles and do the cheering instead.
Advice: Leigh Brannon, Relate.
