A few days ago the staff of my building presented me with an enormous crate covered in a floral pattern. I had no explanation for them. When I realized what it was, I instantly became an infamous resident.
For, you see, The Rock mailed me a mini-fridge in the shape of a giant Xbox Series X to fill with his new line of energy drinks. That is an incredible sentence. Thank you to Bill Gates for founding Microsoft so that this could one day happen to me.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is a celebrity in the class of Oprah, Tom Hanks, or Kelly Clarkson: objectively talented, an iconic face, and something in their resume for everyone. He’s also got the kind of masculinity that, somehow, isn’t toxic. Oh, and he’s jaw-droppingly hot. So, if anyone is going to recommend a “healthy” energy drink and get me to believe them, it’s this guy.
Achievement —
"I helped Bill Gates launch the first Xbox," he tweeted, presumably to explain why Xbox was now repaying the favor. The drink, designed by the superstar, Dany Garcia, and Dave Rienzi, is presented with the tagline "power up your gaming,” which we assume is what happens when you down a can of green tea and green unroasted coffee blended with vitamins and "superfoods" like camu camu and acerola.
Unlocked —
Journalists and influencers will not be the only people who get such a treasure trove in their lives. “Fans have the chance to win their very-own customized ZOA Xbox Package that includes a custom Xbox Series X ZOA mini-fridge fully stocked with ZOA Energy products, a custom ZOA Xbox wireless controller and other fun surprises through Microsoft Rewards beginning next week on March 25,” reads the press release. “Fans only need to redeem their Microsoft Rewards points for an entry into the sweepstakes, which can be done directly on an Xbox console or at www.microsoft.com/en-us/rewards/xbox/zoa-sweepstakes.”
There’s also been some indication that the units may one day be available for sale, which is incredible. After a decade of branded swag bursting from every corner of the gaming industry, this could be a collectors item for the ages. Please let the people have what they want!
Live –
Okay, but at the end of the day how does ZOA Energy actually taste and feel to use? Great! As someone who knows their way around a Red Bull, ZOA seems like a slightly more adult, refined version of that genre. Bribery aside, I genuinely like the flavors I’ve tried and the packaging is far, far less embarrassing than the mid-00’s nightmare that is a can of Monster.
