Name: Leicester City FC.
Age: 133.
Location: Leicester.
Oh, thank God. A feelgood tale for these troubled times. You don’t keep up with the news, do you?
Yes I do. Fairytale Leicester City. Premier League champions. Gary Lineker presenting Match of the Day in his pants. What a Cinderella story. Listen, I don’t know how to tell you this …
Local boys done good. David and Goliath. A heartwarming story of … They’re going to get relegated.
What? I mean, it’s likely. Leicester City lost their fourth successive match this weekend. They are two points off the bottom of the league. If they carry on like this, they will be the first top-flight champions to be relegated for almost 80 years.
But the Cinderella story … It’s still a Cinderella story, just a version where Prince Charming ends up killing and eating Cinderella at quarter past midnight.
What happened? Well, some are suggesting that success has made the team complacent, and that they are too busy enjoying the spoils of their victory to win matches any more. Plus they haven’t scored a league goal this year, which can’t help much.
How disappointing. Do we have a new sporting fairytale to get behind instead? I suppose the New England Patriots did just win the Super Bowl.
Great! How many decades has it been since their last victory? Less than one.
Oh God. Yeah, sorry. They won the year before last. Less rags to riches and more riches to riches. The Patriots are the anti-Leicester.
But they’re still decent, hard-working people, right? Oh no. They have been accused of cheating over the years, including by videotaping opposing coaches and deflating footballs. Plus, they’re all friends with Donald Trump.
Oh God. Yep. Trump tried to set up his daughter with quarterback Tom Brady, the Patriots’ head coach Bill Belichick wrote the president a letter congratulating him on his campaign on the eve of the election and one of Trump’s biggest supporters is the team’s billionaire owner Robert Kraft.
What is the moral of all this? Everything is terrible, the system is weighted against the underdog and we’re all screwed, obviously.
Do say: “If Leicester City win the Premier League this year, I’ll write the next Pass notes in just my undies.”
Don’t say: “Still, at least we’ve got Kasabian.”
