IT HAPPENS
More than once The Fiver has spotted a wistful tear well up in the eye of Weird Uncle Fiver as he laments the ceaseless passage of time. “What do you mean you’re closing?” he has often been heard to bawl. “Get your effin’ hands off me! Don’t you know who I … Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!”
In truth, time takes its toll on everyone of course, life turning into a slow accumulation of petty indignities: the greying of hair, the sagging of muscles, the forgetting the next bit. And then, to some unfortunates, comes the most humbling moment of all. The moment when your team finishes its campaign below Tottenham Hotspur. It is an ignominy unknown to most Arsenal fans seeing as how they, judging by their behaviour across various social media, are only eight years old. Spurs have not finished above Arsenal since 1995.
What a strange and distant time that was. Blackeye Rovers were English champions! Nottingham Forest were third! Wimbledon, Nasty Leeds and Queens Park Rangers all finished above Chelsea and Manchester City! Eric Cantona had to interact with a fan through the medium of kung-fu kicks because spats on social media disgrace Twitter hadn’t even been invented! Arsenal sacked a manager!
Then came the modern era, once Arsène Who? had replaced Mr Bruce Rioch, who had replaced Mr Brown Envelope. And ever since then Arsenal have been the kings of north London, swanning about as if they own the place, partially because they had to mortgage their gaffs to pay for their season tickets. But this weekend could mark the end of that golden era. For if Mauricio Pochettino’s Spurs beat Arsenal on Sunday, Spurs will be mathematically certain of finishing the season above Arsenal for the first time in 22 years. So there are serious bragging rights at stake, the right to brag about being the best team in London below Chelsea. What a way that would be for Spurs to wave goodbye to dear old White Hart Lane! But they shouldn’t get carried away, according to Wenger. “You cannot say the weight of one year has the weight of 20,” drawled Wenger, who knows a thing or two about fending off power shifts.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I have a thirst for knowledge. I won’t always be a manager” – Brighton boss and Saint Martin’s College sculpture alumnus, Chris Hughton, opens up in this exclusive chinwag with Donald McRae.
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Get your hearing tackle round the latest instalment of Football Weekly Extra!
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FIVER LETTERS
“Considering that Spurs fans have had decades (literally) to come up with a riposte to St Totteringham’s Day, am I alone in thinking that St Woolwich’s Day is well, a little lame? Would love to hear of an alternative, but please make it snappy as that day seems to accelerate towards us almost every time Arsenal step out on to the pitch and I would like to have all my taunting gifs, memes, inept Photoshopping and other associated lumps of social social media nick-nackery sorted in good time. Hubris? Possibly” – John Adedoyin.
“So, $tevie Mbe says his teams will be physical. Apparently he’s coaching them in his mould, teaching them to do something like this, those memorable 38 seconds when he was on the pitch for the last time in Liverpool colours against Manchester United. If that’s the future of English football, well …” – Nigel Assam.
“With regards to your caption on yesterday’s main picture, I happen to rather like Pep’s coat game (though the bold shiny zippers are probably not for everyone). I realise this likely says more about me than The Fiver” – Matt Richman.
“Has The Fiver considered the production of a ‘1,057 Pedants’ T-shirt? I know it means you and your pitiful (and increasingly unfunny) relations would actually have to get your act together but it would be good to know. For the avoidance of doubt, I wouldn’t buy one in a million years” – Joe Mercer.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Nigel Assam.
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BITS AND BOBS
José Mourinho says he might insert Wayne Rooney into the big gullible Belgian-shaped hole in Manchester United’s midfield against Swansea. “Yes, he’s an option,” sighed Mourinho before delivering a ringing vote of confidence. “We don’t have [any other players there].”
French plod have opened an investigation into potential [yes, potential – Fiver Lawyers] corruption relating to Fifa’s vote for the Ethics 2018 and Migrant Workers 2022 World Cups.
Newcastle’s Rafa Benítez will only continue to be Newcastle’s Rafa Benítez if Mike Ashley assures him at a meeting in 10 days’ time that if he asks for a sofa he won’t bring him a lamp.
Dejan Lovren has signed a new Liverpool contract until 2021 and the act of doing so appears to have been as uplifting as multiple disco biscuits. “This is one special day for me and my family,” he trilled. “I think I am the happiest guy [in the world] today, it’s another dream come true. It was always my dream to stay as long as possible at one club that I love – and that is Liverpool.”
Crystal Palace’s on-loan Liverpool defender Mamadou Sakho will not be out for yonks with knee-knack. “Now we know there are no ligaments involved. I think he’s out for a few weeks,” confirmed Jürgen Klopp, of his favourite centre-back.
And Sunderland manager David Moyes still isn’t having much fun on the express route to the Championship. “Oh, it hurts me, it hurts me totally,” he tooted. “I’m certainly not smiling and laughing and enjoying myself. We have forgotten how to win. We have got to find that and we have got to get it back quickly.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Dele Alli, Twitter loneliness and the cautionary tale of Renato Sanches. By Barney Ronay.
The harsh truth is that Hartlepool have been jiggered for quite some time and no amount of Jeff Stelling pieces-to-camera can do much about it, writes Nick Ames.
“There is a showboating mentality through academies. A lot of kids think they have to do 10 lollipops or Cruyff turns to look good or stand out … the kids are coming into an unbelievable place to work, they are getting boss food.” $tevie Mbe gets his chat on with Andy Hunter about how his Liverpool U-18s side will be dead hard despite overindulging in tricks and top, top scran.
If you’re looking for things to look forward to this weekend in the Premier League, League One, League Two and Scottish fitba then step right up.
Partly out of desperation and perhaps because he still has just a smidgen of a finger on the pulse, Arsène Wenger has decided to use wing-backs again 21 years after dumping the system, writes floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson.
A year in the life of Marco Russ: failed drugs test, cancer and a hero’s return.
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