“I love you,” she said; remembering her father, the one she loved the most before finally giving into the feeling of being useless. Finally gathering enough courage to end it all, she did it; she did what she feared the most and yet somehow it felt right.
There was a time when she was the happiest person in the world; even though that time was just a few years ago it felt like decades. She was barely a few years old when it all began. She thought everyone loved her but things changed pretty quickly. It was like no one loved her anymore. She ignored and pushed back. At that time, she did not understand what was going on but she told herself it was just for the time being; but boy was she wrong! As time passed things only got worse, she was continuously screamed at and blamed for things she did not do. As she grew older it felt like she was deliberately targeted by the world.
She had always loved her father the most, so when he had to move away, she was completely heartbroken. That was just the beginning of a flood of heartbreaks. Ever since she was small, her mother had told her things which made her doubt herself. She used to tell her that the kids only want to be friends with her because of her father or that if she looked like that no one would be friends with her. Due to this she developed lots of insecurities and had troubles making friends. Meanwhile in school she was bullied because she wasn’t the best in studies but she always thought that it was also because of the way she looked and made a perception in her mind that no one would want to be friends with her because she was ugly and stupid.
So, every time someone tried to be friends with her, she thought that they wanted something from her in return. Due to this she decided that she would not speak anymore, to save herself and her parents from being embarrassed. She completely suppressed her true personality and became the quiet kid. But still these things did not stop. As she grew older, she began to find more and more reasons to hate herself. She slowly distanced herself from her family and even her beloved father. She could not understand why her father had to stay away form them and why they could not be like other families.
On the other hand, her relationship with her mother had only gotten worse. Her mother would tell her that she was useless and constantly compare her to her brother. If her brother got a scratch, she ran to him worried like anything. But if it was her that was hurt her mother would tell her that it was nothing and she was just being dramatic. Slowly she entered her teenage and by that time she was filled with self-doubt and had changed herself multiple times just to make her mother feel proud of her, in hopes that she would finally love her. But that didn’t happen as she went through her teenage years her mother told her things that made her feel useless and idiotic. Eventually it was so bad that she started to harm herself, but never had enough courage to end it all. By trying to change herself for her parents she lost herself but she did not realize this. Then one day it happened, she felt that she had let her father down in the worst possible way and decided that all she did was embarrass her parents and waste their time and money; so she did something that would change her life forever. She tried to kill herself.
After she did that, she realized what she had done and immediately covered it up. She still did not have the courage to tell her parents but she knew that she had to get help. So, she called someone who she knew would understand. She called her aunt. Her aunt helped her to tell her parents and she was able to get professional help. It finally felt like things were going the way that she wanted. But life does not work that way. Recovery is never easy. Even during this period her mother told her that she was wasting their time and money on her medication and that she was an attention seeker. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain she felt, much less being to be able to put it into words. She still tried her best to improve her relation with her mother but it only ended up hurting her more.
Then slowly her thinking changed. She realized that in trying to win her parents’ approval she had lost herself. She realized that no matter what she does she won’t be enough. It hurt her at first but then gradually she realized that only one person’s happiness mattered and that person was herself. She finally started to see that she was the only one whose opinion should matter to her. She finally started to live for herself. And one day it happened she completely accepted herself with all her flaws and mistakes. She was finally in complete admiration of herself. Looking into the mirror; she said, “I love you.”
Assistance for overcoming suicidal thoughts is available on the State’s health helpline 104 and Chennai-based Sneha’s suicide prevention helpline 044-24640050.
