TURFED OUT
You can probably tell which one of the Cowley brothers was more trouble when they were kids. Danny and Nicky, the Lincoln manager and assistant, respectively, were watched by their parents on Saturday as the Imps did what Chelsea and Liverpool have all failed to this season: beat Burnley at Turf Moor. Presumably, at some point after the game but before the pair appeared on Match of the Day that evening, mama and papa Cowley told them both to have a bloody shave: “You’re going on television young man, you don’t want to look like a scruff on the BBC.” Danny complied, but Nicky didn’t, so we all know which brother helped with the washing up and which was hanging outside the precinct drinking Two Dogs when they were youths. Still, you can’t blame Nicky: he had helped his team become the first non-league side to reach the quarter-finals of the FA Cup in 103 years. He can stay out as long as he likes and spend his pocket money on whatever he wants.
For the more churlish, which The Fiver definitely, absolutely and certainly does not include itself in, winning a game against a Premier League side was good, sure, but the real quiz for Lincoln was providing a platform for Joey Barton to make himself look a 100% wally once more. A longstanding advocate against trying to get opposition players in trouble, the North-west Nietzsche collapsed to the turf after the breeze from a wafting Lincoln arm not only removed him from his feet, but caused him to stay on the turf as if he had, to pick a random example, received a thorough shoeing outside a city centre McDonald’s. In the interests of fairness we might excuse Joey on the basis he had earlier received a meaty elbow to the mush, but life isn’t fair and neither is The Fiver.
The rest of FA Cup weekend wasn’t quite so eventful. The slow crumbling of football’s most affable man continued, as Claudio Ranieri’s Leicester had their pants pulled down, ripped off and thrown in the bog by Millwall. Ranieri said afterwards that instead of the shower who played at The Den he needed “gladiators”, although surely that’s exactly what he had: they were, after all, savagely mauled by some Lions. Harry Kane absent-mindedly scored a hat-trick against Fulham, Zlatan Ibrahimovic added to his own personal legend by scoring against, erm, Blackeye Rovers, while Manchester City’s reserves proved to be exactly as good as Huddersfield Town’s reserves.
One more tie remains, as the beleaguered Arsène Wenger’s boys do what many rubbish five-a-siders are doing on a Monday night: playing on a ropey artificial pitch against some half-fit chancers in a remote location somewhere. Or, if you prefer, facing Sutton United at Gander Green Lane. Sutton will presumably have watched Bayern Munich give Arsenal a hosing the other night and gathered great encouragement that they might be able to surprise the Gunners: after all, if they can’t be effed to research which foot Arjen Robben prefers to kick with, then they probably won’t know much about the 17th-best team in the National League.
We know it’s unlikely, but wouldn’t it be good if there was a surprise? What could warm the heart more than (wait for it …) if the underdogs come out on top (it’s coming …), defy the odds (you’ll like this …) and pull a shock out of the bag. Or, alternatively (here it is!): Sutton might win.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Everton should not have reacted but something provoked his outburst, didn’t it? Both sides in the incident should be punished. These things happen in football but it is now up to the authorities to sanction the offenders” – Partizan coach Marko Nikolic on the despicable racist abuse from Rad Belgrade cretins that prompted Everton Luiz to make an obscene gesture at them, sparking an all-out brawl.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Dean Saunders’ Arsenal tactical masterclass in Friday’s Fiver. Surely he is simply advocating playing without a goalkeeper? Which is a tactic Arsène did try in the post-Lehmann, pre-Cech wilderness years” – Jen Joslin.
“There were 5,600 people at Edgeley Park on Saturday for a Conference North game, Stockport County v FC United of Manchester. That is more than a game in the Championship at the same time, as well as lots of games in the three divisions in between” – Dan Levy.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Former Brighton, Wycombe Wanderers and Oxford United defender Paul McCarthy has died at the age of 45.
Barcelona skipper Andrés Iniesta isn’t having any of their fans digging out Luis Enrique, fresh off that whooping in Paris and a fortuitous, jeer-laden 2-1 win over Leganés on Sunday. “We have not lost confidence in ourselves or in the manager,” Iniesta sighed. “I think it’s a one-off situation we’re going through.”
German football suits want Carlo Ancelotti to explain – again – why he flipped Hertha Berlin fans the bird after Bayern’s last-gasp 1-1 draw on Saturday. “Yes, I made the gesture because I was spat on,” he sniffed after the game.
Pope’s Newc O’Rangers caretaker Graeme Murty insists the team are still in the hunt for the fitba prize on everybody’s lips: second place in the Scottish Premiership. “If we apply ourselves and hit maximum heights anything can happen,” he whooped after a 2-1 defeat at Dundee.
Genoa have told Ivan Juric to do one after a 5-0 defeat at Pescara, who hadn’t won on the pitch in Serie A since 2013. Some 200 fans blocked the team bus afterwards, throwing eggs, while offering some full and frank advice via the media of spitting and kicking.
And Mark Clattenburg isn’t done with the Premier League just yet before his cash … sorry, dash to Saudi Arabia. You lucky people.
STILL WANT MORE?
“This is non-league. This is the real world, the real stuff.” Sutton United’s Craig Eastmond looks ahead to taking on former employers Arsenal.
Your FA Cup fifth-round talking points, right here.
Monaco and the new wave. By Igor Mladenovic.
Sean Ingle on the dangers of heading.
Zemanlandia is back open for business, hurrahs Paolo Bandini.
Andy Brassell takes a look at Werder Bremen and all things Bundesliga.
They’re bringing Bielsa back, ye-ah! This week’s Ligue 1 blog focuses on Lille.
Seamlessly moving to League One, where the battle for promotion intensified after Firewall FC’s trip to Bramall Lane.
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