Whoever decided to make Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie act as British trade ambassadors by driving through the streets of Berlin in a union flag-branded Mini deserves, at the very least, a medal. Maybe even a job as a reality-TV commissioning editor.
It's a wonderful idea. Imagine being a wealthy German businessman and catching a glimpse of two minor royals, both still in their silly wedding hats and arguing about which Spice Girl they'd be (either Ginger or Horsey, it doesn't matter), pootling through Alexanderplatz in a tiny, unnecessarily jingoistic car. You'd open trade links with the UK immediately, wouldn't you?
However, the question remains of what Beatrice and Eugenie should actually do while in Berlin. It's a wonderful city, full of history and culture. But, perhaps if the royal siblings want to experience the real Berlin, this should be their itinerary:
Thursday: Drive through the Brandenburg Gate in a silly car and let people take photos of you. Then head out to one of the city's magnificent sex clubs, where you can witness any number of rubber-clad gimps being paddled by intimidating 7ft-tall dominatrixes in nippleclamps while industrial techno plays so loudly that you can feel your eyeballs liquidise inside your head.
Friday: Since the sex club doesn't close until 10am, you'll want to catch up on your sleep. However, this won't happen because last night's activities have left your skull involuntarily vibrating. So it's on to the next east Berlin rave, held in a squat that looks like it was thrown together from several tons of impacted human faeces and three sheets of corrugated iron. Here you will mainly meet hundreds of incoherent British tourists who read about the party in Time Out, and four or five middle-aged German punks who hate what their city has become. Again, there will be techno. It will be so loud that your fingernails fall off.
Sunday morning: It turns out that the rave was actually 48 hours long, but no matter. Now you get to enjoy Berlin in the daytime. Why not go to an overpriced organic coffee house and watch the city's youth stand around holding iPads and being as self-consciously listless as possible? Warning: to fit in, you may want to get an asymmetrical haircut and a pierced breastbone.
Sunday afternoon: Remove your top and dance through the streets like a Techno Viking. Fly home.
