So when Dave said the Queen was coming over, AGAIN, it was like oh how marv, of course nobody considered that maybe the week before Christmas I would be living this 24/7 shopping nightmare? I'm going, basically no offence to the Germans but have you not seen the Asda adverts, thank God people are finally telling the truth about Christmas, plus the Queen = yet another present, I mean, sexism, much?
And Dave was like, babes, look under the tree? So there is this hideous parcel, Waitrose paper & Dave goes hasn't Maria done brilliantly, guess what is in it, I'm like, I don't know, a fucking Primark onesie? And Dave goes, Hunty always says you are psychic, I'm like, please tell me you are not serious, and he's like why not, Maria says they are the new slankets, plus apparently it cost £200?
So people are arriving and I am inside the present cupboard going God what do you give the Queen, I'm guessing something between a teaching assistant and a stepmother, a bottle might do it except Dave has been porting again & the only scented candle is kind of cleaning-lady quality, Nancy says no point wasting good Jo Malone. Dave goes well give her something from your mother's, it is not as if she has any taste, I'm like, fine, let's just give away Picklesey's ceramic balls. And the only other possible is this Keep Calm and Carry On notebook from work, pink & quite darling but barely a stocking-filler now the whole Keep Calm thing is over, but Dave goes trust me, genius nan gift, she will LOVE.
So apparently she opens it and goes how clever, I had almost forgotten the blitz Mr Cameron, now if you will give this to your wife that will be all :(
And afterwards Miller goes do not apologise, if the press get hold of it I will flag up Leveson & Craig will say it was table-mats, and to avoid waste I will keep the onesie. Then I unwrap my present and it is Pippa's tragic book? And Dave and I both shout "Govey present!" at the same time, total ESP & I would call Hunty except he is in his bunker, waiting for the world to end :(((
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