GUNNED DOWN
If recent history teaches us anything at all, it’s that the captain of Arsenal Football Club almost always gets himself into wholly avoidable trouble. Take William Gallas, who went out of his way to start an argument with his teammates and was stripped of the armband as a result. Or Granit Xhaka, who instigated a row with his own fans with predictably similar consequences. Patrick Vieira got into a brawl with Roy Keane that lasted six years, Cesc Fàbregas annoyed Hull boss Phil Brown by wearing a coat, and Tony Adams ended up in prison. That rumble you hear from below the ground isn’t the Piccadilly Line passing through; it’s Charlie Buchan, Alex James and Joe Mercer furiously spinning in their graves.
Hats off to Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, then, for selflessly going the extra yard to maintain this proud modern Arsenal tradition. The once-great striker hasn’t exactly enjoyed a stellar season so far, spending most of it shanking simple tap-ins from a couple of feet on to the woodwork and away. His most recent kick of a football was almost supernaturally abysmal, a gilt-edged chance to rescue a point deep into injury time against Everton slapped harmlessly wide. That egregious miss now stands as his last act as captain of the club, having been relieved of his duties upon breaching pre-match protocols for a second time in 10 months. January window gossip columns ahoy!
To be fair, the player’s 2021 travails haven’t been all of his own making – his mother has been seriously ill, while he was hospitalised after contracting malaria – but ignoring Covid regulations to get a new tattoo wasn’t the smartest move, and so rocking up late yet again proved one stress test too many on Mikel Arteta’s already brittle patience. Aubameyang won’t be considered for Wednesday’s match with West Ham, Alexandre Lacazette taking over coin-tossing and performative-shouting-and-pointing duties. In the longer term, with Auba surely for the off and Lacazette’s future uncertain, Kieran Tierney and Martin Ødegaard will be considered for the captaincy full time. Check back with us in 18 months to see how the next man has managed to irritate and alienate all and sundry.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I am going to die for PSG in the game against Real Madrid … I’ll do everything possible to get through. They’re the team that bet on me” – Sergio Ramos gets a little carried away when asked if he’ll have conflicted feelings when he returns to the Bernabéu in Big Cup.
FIVER LETTERS
“The Liga MX gran final between Atlas and Léon was won by the former on penalties after a 3-3 tie over two legs, but the highlight had to be these honeymooners (at 6m 43s). Nothing says nuptial bliss like razor wire and bare-chested strangers” – Mike Edwards [you weren’t there for Weird Uncle Fiver’s third wedding – Fiver Ed].
“Did you know that in the Big Website column Ten Talking Points from the Weekend, from the 13 games Brighton have featured, they have been said talking point (and thus considered more interesting than their opponent) 10 times, or 77% of the time? The probability of this being by chance is (opening myself to the pedants here), less than 0.05% (0.035%, by my reckoning). Compare that with the team just above them (Brentford), or just below them (er, Palace), who clock in at 36% and 38% respectively, or even traffic generators Liverpool and Manchester United (both on a statistically insignificant 64%). Are we really saying that the south coast’s favourite goal-shy draw specialists have been that fascinating as they once more work their way towards 15th place? Is The Man in fact Attila the Stockbroker? Or, as some of the wildly positive takes on 0-0 draws seem to suggest, is it for a bet?” – Jon Millard.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Mike Edwards.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Burnley’s legendary forward Jimmy Robson, who helped the club win the First Division title in 1960, has died at the age of 82.
Brentford v Manchester United has been called off after the Premier League announced a record number of 42 positive Covid tests.
Meanwhile, United say Victor Lindelöf is recovering well from unrelated breathing difficulties that forced him off in the win over Norwich. “I think he had a collision with another player and he had problems to breathe for more than 10 minutes,” said Ralf Rangnick. “His heart rate was higher than normal and therefore he was a little bit shocked.”
Barcelona’s Sergio Agüero is expected to announce his retirement due to a heart condition.
Dundee captain Charlie Adam has been arrested and charged in connection with a road traffic offence.
Aston Villa might take into consideration a player’s vaccine status when considering transfer targets in January. “We look at everything. So I’m sure it will come up,” tooted manager $tevie Mbe.
Leeds have been charged with failing to control their players after a group of them re-enacted Manchester United v Andy D’Urso when referee Chris Kavanagh awarded a late penalty to Chelsea during the 3-2 defeat at Stamford Bridge.
And Real Madrid are leading the race to sign Antonio Rüdiger on a freebie next summer.
WIN! WIN! WIN!
Streltsov – Jonathan Wilson’s novel.
Like everybody else at Torpedo Moscow, Vanya loves Eduard Streltsov, the dashing young striker who scores hatfuls of goals. But on the eve of the 1958 World Cup, Streltsov is arrested and Vanya has to reconsider everything. Streltsov is a story of fandom and celebrity, of booze and paranoia, of two men who can only really understand the world through football.
The Fiver has three copies to give away to subscribers. To be in with a shout just send an email titled ‘Fiver’ along with your name and postal address to info@theblizzard.co.uk. Streltsov is available in print and digital editions and Fiver readers can get £1 off by entering ‘GSTREL’ at the checkout.
STILL WANT MORE?
The aforementioned floating football brain in a jar gives his Big Cup last-16 tie-by-tie analysis and verdicts after the bungled tombola.
Chelsea’s Jessie Fleming gets her chat on with Suzy Wrack.
Atlético Madrid have got identity issues, reckons Jonathan Liew.
It was raining goals – and teddy bears – as Real Betis were left dreaming of Big Cup after a fourth La Liga win on the spin, writes Sid Lowe.
Is the Premier League jig finally up for Burnley, asks Will Unwin.
Chris Armas was a forgettable boss in MLS, so how the hell has he ended up at Manchester United? Graham Ruthven explains.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
