NEARLY THERE NOW
The Fiver loves Maltesers. The way the outer layer of chocolate melts, leading you to the honeycomb centre that you can either crunch or suck slowly as it fizzes and dissolves in your mouth, creating an explosion of serotonin that makes us feel halfway human. But after eating 370 of the addictive little brown blighters, we’re no longer floating on a cloud. We’re lying in a pool of our own drool, full of self-loathing and cursing the day we ever set sight on that dastardly red box. It’s a similar feeling to that we’ve experienced this year watching every single Premier League game to date beamed into our front room.
What started out as a happy release of honks as we digested regular helpings of slapstick defending while getting high on goals has gradually morphed into the kind of tasteless stodge that not even Granny Fiver would dare serve up. The fun stopped but football didn’t, relentlessly forcing its way down our throat and into our gut like a parasitic worm. The Premier League finale’s big sell is an invite to viewers to watch Liverpool and Chelsea confirm that, yep, the four richest English clubs will be playing in Big Cup next season. Tempted, much? A Diazepam butty would be easier to digest than that.
If you’re going to make yourself sick watching greedy €$£ breakaway wannabes win the day, there should at least be some silverware on the line. So sink your teeth into the juicy fare on offer in La Liga on Saturday instead, when the title is still up for grabs as we enter the last day. Atlético Madrid lead Real by two points and face a tricky trip to Valladolid (they’re like a Castillian Burnley, so our castanet-clacking, siesta-taking Spanish cousin tells us), who themselves need a win to have any chance of staying up. Meanwhile, the plucky 34-times champions in second place host a Villarreal team whose collective minds are already in Gdańsk, focused on how they plan to torment Scott McTominay and Fred in Big Vase final against Manchester United.
A win would guarantee Atlético a first title since 2014, but if they draw and Real beat the Yellow Submarine then the title goes to Los Blancos on the head-to-head record, despite Atlético’s greater goal difference (imagine how that one might go down). Atlético don’t often win games by more than one clear goal so expect it to be the kind of nuclear-charged anxiety-inducing nerve-athon that should really come with an El Cholo-cam. Mind you, with a 5pm BST kick-off time, Diego Simeone’s touchline cojone-grabbing and Spanish effing and jeffing might not pass the taste test, either.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
23 April: “I have a contract. When I sign a contract, there’s nothing that I can say more. It’s my decision to sign a contract. So, that’s what I want to say. When I make a decision like that, it’s because there’s no doubts in my mind” – Nuno is adamant that the three-year deal he signed in September 2020 means he won’t be leaving Molineux anytime soon.
21 May: “Sunday will be a very emotional day, but I am so happy that the fans will be back in Molineux and we can share one last special moment together, as one pack” – there must have been doubts in someone’s mind because Nuno will Do One after the home match against Manchester United. And now they may get a Bruno.
RECOMMENDED BOOKING
Tickets are available now for Football Weekly Live’s Euro Not 2020 preview special on 10 June. Get them while they’re hot.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: referee misadventures (Fiver letters passim). Back in my very brief heyday as a Sunday League manager, a particular stickler for officiousness found himself on the receiving end of a foul-mouthed tirade from one of my players. Sending them off for an early bath, he yelled after the departing youngster: ‘And if you get home early, tell your mum to order a takeaway.’ It was his son” – Saul Crossland.
“Wouldn’t it be great if Wolves hired ex-Wolfsburg coach Wolfgang Wolf?” – Joe Lakes.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Saul Crossland.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Eight men have been arrested by police and four others interviewed under caution following an investigation into the racist abuse of a Tottenham player.
Leicester’s title-winning captain of 2015, Wes Morgan, is hanging up his boots after struggling with back-knack for most of the season.
St Johnstone chief suit Steve Brown has done his bit in the fight against Covid by urging fans not to gather in large numbers when they face Hibs in the Scottish Cup final. “We are trying to complete an extraordinary achievement of winning both domestic cup competitions,” he said. “[But] please refrain from gathering at McDiarmid Park … it is vital everyone adheres to the rules.”
Manchester United employees have been receiving a new anti-Glazers email from “The Fans”, which sounds about as humorous as other missives closer to home. Entitled NEWSLETTER #1, it said it wanted to give them a different perspective from the one they get within the club. “The briefings you receive [internally] are all very interesting but we’ll provide periodic updates giving a wider view,” it honked. [So probably more humorous than other missives closer to home – Fiver Ed.]
Premier League clubs are winning in Big Cup and also where it really matters, in the transfer market, according to a Uefa report that claimed English teams were responsible for 43% of all player transfer activity last summer.
Chelsea bounced back from their Women’s Big Cup thrashing by Barça with a 3-0 FA Cup fifth-round win over Everton. “What a great group,” cheered Emma Hayes. “Sunday hurt, we didn’t hide that but there’s really no shame to having a silver medal from [Big Cup] final.”
And Kenny Jackett is the new man in charge at Leyton Orient.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ten things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend. Go on, take one last toke before the season ends.
“Death, taxes and Sergio scoring”: Manchester City bid a legend farewell. By Will Unwin.
Richard Foster takes us on a parptastic journey through the Premier League’s 1,000 own goals.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
